Hello

[Newst@rt]

Hello, I came across this forum over Christmas and would love the opportunity to share my story and find some support. I’m lucky in that I managed to escape an abusive relationship of (detail removed by moderator) years earlier this year; I left with my (detail removed by moderator) young children and returned to the UK from overseas to live with my parents. My ex was a lot older than me ((detail removed by moderator) years), was originally my boss, and was very controlling and manipulative. He pressured me to work hard; throughout my pregnancies I worked long hours, with my first up until (detail removed by moderator), I started work again the day after leaving hospital following (detail removed by moderator), and was full time again (detail removed by moderator). He opened my post, checked my emails and phone, and isolated me from my friends and family. He took out a lot of loans in my name without my knowledge or consent (including when I was in hospital after giving birth) and pressured me into signing them. He made poor decisions in business which resulted in him (us) being investigated for fraud, theft and money laundering. When I walked away from our home overseas I left everything, bar some clothes, toys and jewellery I could sell. The house was in my name and my ex stopped paying the mortgage and because of this, and the loans he took out and stopped paying, I had to declare myself bankrupt. I had no control over money whilst in the relationship, he consistently overspent and I never felt safe; we kept losing everything. On the way home from hospital after having my (detail removed by moderator) child he told me we’d missed a mortgage payment. He was sexually abusive; in the very early days he would ply me with alcohol and behave in a degrading way. Towards the end he would get drunk, lock me out of the living room and watch live sex shows or research how to find Russian and Thai brides, and join dating agencies. He stopped me from returning to the UK to see my family, even when my grandmother was dying, and would ban me from making friends, unless they were people he approved of. My eldest child didn’t socialise until he started school (detail removed by moderator), and he would put me off trying to organise play dates or attend groups to build my son’s confidence, which, because of the language barrier and my lack of confidence, I already found a struggle. He’s been pretty nasty since we left, pressuring me to get the children to speak to him, and hoping they ‘his children don’t blame him for the decision I made’.
I’m very lucky to have had the support of a counsellor, health visitor and a local domestic abuse charity. All these professionals have confirmed his behaviour is (‘extremely’) abusive, and the charity also suggested we go no contact, which I’ve tried to do and has made a difference (although he’s recently sent me a letter by post saying he will always look after (detail removed by moderator) us and would take us back tomorrow, and he emailed me yesterday because he wanted to speak to the boys). My boys are thriving back here in the UK and are really growing in confidence, I’m very proud of them. My eldest ((detail removed by moderator)) asks about his dad perhaps once every 3 months. I don’t know if this is indicative of damage, the da charity believe he was abusive towards them too; he’d take over, become ‘fun, involved dad’ and block me from getting to them, including when my eldest was hospitalised with (detail removed by moderator).
Deep down I know it was bad, and feel very lucky to have escaped, and also to seemingly be free of him, but I also keep thinking that it wasn’t that bad, that I’ve exaggerated what happened, am making a big deal and blowing it out of proportion, and I feel a responsibility regarding the children and their father and I’m terrified I’m going to damage them and they’ll hate me when they’re older for blocking contact. I see that nice side of him and feel I understand him (his dad was abusive) and I feel so guilty, even though my ideal is that we never have to see him again.
We’ve just left my parents house (to compound everything my mum is abusive and an alcoholic) and are renting a lovely little house (detail removed by moderator) where my eldest is at school. It is all I’ve ever wanted but I’m drinking too much, feel depressed and heavy. I’m university educated, have always worked and lived on a farm with (detail removed by moderator), and am now an unemployed, bankrupt single mum on benefits. On one hand the future feels exciting and I can finally be whoever I want to be, but on the other hand I don’t know where to start and the future feels scary. I’ve always attachment parented (one of the few things I stood my ground on) and really believe in giving the boys a firm foundation where they can go off and feel secure, knowing they’re loved, but I’m so tired and irritable, and don’t know how I’ll ever balance the boys with home and work. I can’t rely on my mum so don’t have anyone I can really rely on to help. I also feel as though I’ve lost (detail removed by moderator) years of my life, I’m almost (detail removed by moderator) and suddenly old; as though I’ve looked up and my youth has disappeared.
I’ve made a doctors appointment to get some antidepressants and have reached out to the domestic abuse charity for help again recently. I’m learning the trick isn’t to try and forget about what happened, but to keep confronting it, otherwise I minimise my experiences and wonder why I feel so terrible when I have nothing to feel depressed about. I know this is a long, rambling email but, even though I now have support, I feel so alone and as though no one really understands. I’d love to know if you think of my expdriences as really being abuse, and any advice you cn give to get through how I’m feeling right now. Also encouragement from anyone who has been in a similar situation! Thank you for reading xx

[KIP.]

Yes, he is a horrible nasty abuser and I’d advise you to stick to zero contact and that includes your children too. Good counselling is important and also an understanding of abusers. Living with the Dominator and healing from Hidden Abuse are a couple of good books. Keeping a journal and writing three positives each day to keep you thinking positively. Have you thought of further education meantime. An evening class or part time day class to get back your confidence. Perhaps a teaching assistant on a voluntary basis until you feel ready and supported to work again. Self love and time and zero contact are the way forward. We all minimise the abuse as a way to cope but he sounds horrific and what he did was cruel, nasty, uncaring, illegal and abusive. I’m so glad you escaped with your precious boys. Well done, that took real courage x

[Newst@rt]

Thank you. I have thought about further education, my youngest will start pre-school for a couple of afternoons (detail removed by moderator) and I’d love to start a course, and I’d also thought about volunteering at my eldest’s school; I’d love to get into education (and applied for teacher training weeks before I (detail removed by moderator) met my ex – it is funny to think how different things could have been, although now I have my boys I wouldn’t change anything).
I don’t feel that anyone around me understands how bad it was, and I don’t suppose they would if they haven’t been through something similar. My dad is amazing but told me (detail removed by moderator) he feels sorry for my ex because he isn’t in touch with the children, it is all very confusing!
Thank you again for your lovely words x

[Cecile]

With regard to your father, he is the confused one, not you. You have had to develop very clear boundaries as to what is abuse and it’s consequences, and to learn to prioritise your own safety and your childrens’. This is entirely correct and right, and I understand that you are wavering and seeking affirmation. It has taken me decades to get to the same point. Well done, brave lady. State your boundaries loud and clear to those around you. They are not optional or subject to being knocked down by others, they belong to you and they are yours and they must have priority over relatives resentful of change in their lives. People don’t like change or instability and I have learned that people will swop it for turning a blind eye to abuse any day rather than accept that relationship breaks and changes must happen when abuse occurs. Your mind is in a tender place at the moment and you need time and space to heal, it can take years, but be assured you have done the right thing.

[Newst@rt]

Thank you. Funnily enough my dad came over this morning and said he can see I have been through a lot and agreed it is better not to have any contact. He is of a different generation and is trying his best but don’t think he always knows how to navigate this new territory. Thank you for reminding me that what I think and feel is ‘real’. I find myself swayed easily by (well-meaning) others around me who have an opinion on what I should be doing. Exhausting and confusing, isn’t it? I guess no one else understands exactly what I’ve been through and what I need.

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