Hello

[Dreamingoffreedom]

Hi, I have been watching from afar for a little while and now feel that the time has come to share my story. I am at the point where I feel I NEED to start talking.

I am in my (detail removed by Moderator) and have been with my husband for a long time. I have always known he didn’t treat me well and came to the conclusion many years ago that it was emotional abuse. He has always been a hot head and would fly off the handle for many reasons, accusing me of starting arguments. He shouts and swears, and basically makes me feel intimidated. On some occasions he throws things, breaks things, punches walls etc. Sometimes he refuses to talk to me for days on end, me not knowing what I have done. Other times he will not leave an issue alone, wanting to talk over and over again, going on and on about what he thinks I have done wrong. I constantly feel like I am walking on eggshells.

In some of our darker times there has been some really messed up behaviour too, such as hiding the car so I couldn’t take my son to (detail removed by Moderator), putting (detail removed by Moderator) in my hair and turning the water off, threatening to pee on met etc. He often tells me he wants to kill himself and that I’ve created it and on one occasion I did have to lift him down from a noose (detail removed by Moderator). When I’ve tried to get peace from him in the house he won’t let me sleep, coming in and shouting, playing music and on one situation taking the door off it’s hinges.

He has always been jealous and this has caused the majority of our arguments. He thinks I cheated on him many years ago and although I didn’t, I know I made the situation a lot worse by lying to him. This is constantly brought up. He accuses me of planning arguments before nights out so that I have an “excuse” to cheat, accuses me of buying nice underwear for other people and even accuses me of using deodorant bottles to pleasure myself when he is out. For many of the reasons listed in this post, I rarely want to have sex with him and he thinks there must be a reason – getting it elsewhere, pleasuring myself or even the programs I watch or books I read. He always gets in huffs when we don’t do it, even though it is now my job to come on to him as he wont because he is sick of getting turned down. (detail removed by Moderator) occasions (detail removed by Moderator) he has woke me up in the middle of the night, ranting and raving to himself that he isn’t getting sex, feels like a teenage boy etc.

He has let me down on many occasions, refusing to come to friends weddings at the last minute, going away for a big birthday because I’d questioned him on how much he had been spending in the pub and even leaving me hanging about whether he is coming on holidays. He seems to have a problem with everyone, my friends, his friends, our son’s football team and

I feel that I am constantly grovelling to keep the peace or to stop the neighbours hearing or our son from waking up. I recently spoke to a friend about things and though I left out a lot of things she told me what I know, its emotional abuse and I deserve better. I know it wasn’t even a shock to her. She recommended Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that and it was a revelation. I felt like he described so much of my life.

Things have been okay over Christmas and I found myself feeling bad about wanting to get out! I know I need to leave so why can’t I? I have been crying all of the time and think I am becoming depressed. I feel like there has been excuse after excuse. I told my friend after Christmas but here we are… I don’t feel like I am in physical danger and I have the finances to do it, I suppose I am worried about the repercussions as I know he will stop at nothing to make me look bad.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for listening.

[KIP.]

Hi, he sounds dreadfully abusive. Please contact your local women’s aid. Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is another good book. Abuse always gets worse over the years and he tries harder to keep control. My advice is to talk to women’s aid about a safe exit plan. Do not tell him you’re doing this. Abusers control us by keeping us in a fog fo fear, obligation and guilt. It’s brainwashing and programming.

[Wants To Help]

Hi dreamingoffreedom,

There is no doubt about it all from what you have written, your relationship is abusive with emotional, psychological and sexual abuse. Your husband appears to have a lot of deep rooted issues going on, possibly mental health issues that are way beyond your ability to treat or help him with. However you behave it will never be good enough. The fact that you have had to cut him down from a noose does indicate a high risk of suicide. Many abusers threaten suicide if we leave them but only a very few percentage actually go through with it. Suicidal intentions are one stage, but suicide attempts are much more serious. When this happened did he seek help, or did you speak to any professional for advice or help for him, or did you both keep this quiet from people in order to ‘protect him’? No one can dismiss that this was not a genuine attempt, however, if he knew you were in the house and he’d told you that he was going to go and hang himself (detail removed by Moderator) right away then he may have relied on being found ‘in time’ or he may have also had something nearby to stand on to take his weight. Either way, this behaviour is extremely concerning behaviour and if it was the latter then it’s an extreme form of control. If he starts talking like this again and taking these steps then ring 999 and call an ambulance as they will do a mental health assessment and either take him to hospital or call for him to be detained under the Mental Capacity Act.

Abusers are not abusive 100% of the time. They can be nice. However, the niceness of them is temporary. What we have to ask ourselves is “Do we want to live a life that is nice for one weekend every two months?” For some people their question might be “Do I want to live a life that is nice for one hour every day?” Many circumstances have been discussed on here and all are true. Please research and learn about

Trauma Bonding
Cognitive Dissonance
Sunk Cost Fallacy

Living like this is very stressful and you may be suffering from situational depression, stress and anxiety. I lived like this with my abuser and I ended up on anti depressants. My abuser then used this information to tell me I was mentally ill, and then used the fact that I was ‘mentally ill’ to abuse me more and tell me that if I left him then he’d get residency of our son because I was ‘mentally ill.’ For a while I believed him so I continued to put up with his abuse because I didn’t want to lose my son. It’s all a vicious circle.

You are in a rare situation where you can afford to leave. Your fear of ‘looking bad’ is out of your control, and yes, he will make you look bad to everyone else, so if you can accept that will happen will it make it easier for you to make that decision to leave? Abusers ALWAYS put the blame of a break up on to us, I’ve never yet a man who has told me “Yeah, well the reason we split up was because I was very jealous and controlling, I wouldn’t let her go out with her friends because I thought she would cheat on me and if she didn’t toe the line I’d punch her in the face, so basically, one day I came home and she’d left me, and I thought, fair play – I hope you now go off and have a happy life and meet someone who doesn’t do that to you.” Also, what other people think of you is again out of your control. Who cares what they think? YOU know the truth of why you left and that’s all that matters, you really don’t have to justify yourself to him or anyone else.

If you do leave and he sends you messages that he is going to kill himself then don’t respond to him, instead call an ambulance or the police who will attend his address as an emergency to do a ‘safe and well’ check and leave it to them. Don’t follow it up with any concern for him because that will just confirm that he knows what he needs to do to get you to respond in person, even if it’s after the emergency services have attended. Suicide is not cowardly or brave, it is a choice. It is no one’s fault, the act/decision lies with the person who chose to do it.

Keep reaching out on here, but honestly, your life will not get any better by staying in this relationship, I think you know what you need to do.

xx

[Dreamingoffreedom]

The noose incident was over me not telling him something and said he would kill himself if I didn’t. He had stepladders near by that I think he knew he could reach – I think it was more a way to get me to do what I want… but who knows.

Thank you for your advice.

[Wants To Help]

That is a really extreme form of manipulation and control. He is using this to instil fear in to you that if you do leave him and he kills himself you may believe it will be your fault, he is showing you he wants you to live a life of guilt and blame for his death, and rather than tell you he will do it, he has taken that extra step to show you he will do it. Please mention this incident to any of the DA professionals you reach out to. This is actually one of the questions asked in the Risk Assessment, they ask
“Has [the abuser] ever attempted suicide or considered suicide?” In this case, his attempt has been as a direct result of something you “haven’t done” compared to some answers such as “before I met him he told me he took an overdose after his mum died.” Your answer to this question affects the Risk Assessment differently, it shows how controlling he is.

I’ve just read my previous reply back and it doesn’t read very sympathetically, that wasn’t my intention so sorry for that. I’m not excusing your husband’s behaviour at all by thinking he has MH issues which are a reason he is behaving this way, I think he is both an abuser and has MH issues.

[Dreamingoffreedom]

Please don’t apologise at all, I am so grateful for the support from everyone and genuinely feel like it’s giving me strength. Ive cried do many tears tonight, I think that people understand is do comforting. I do think you are right about the mental illness and going an abuser. He went through trauma in his own family when ge was young. However I have lost all sympathy about that because of the way he treats me. Thanks for the suggested reading, I have already started. I do feel the more I know, the more in control I am. In terms of leaving, when I say looking bad I don’t necessarily mean my reputation, more how it will affect custody of my son I suppose. I am lucky in the fact that I have really good friends and family. They will be either me all of the way. A few years ago I said I was going to leave and he told me he would get counselling. He did and told me about how the counsellor justified his reactions by different theories. I don’t think he lied either, I think he worked her… For now I’m going yo keep talking, reading etc and hopefully soon I’ll walk away. I don’t even love him now when things are good….

[nbumblebee]

Hi,
Ive been here a while and am just beginning to understand admit and realise what my husband does and says is abusive its a nasty nasty word and i feel sick each time i use it.
What your husband does is rotten its just not at all how a marriage should be we all have different stories to tell but also there are always similarities i can relate to alot of your story. It takes time to admit it takes time to see it takes time to start to believe in yourself enough to leave, none of this is easy at all staying is hard leaving i imagine is hard too.
Nobody can make the choice for you its up to you.
Ive spend months pretending lying to myself telling nyself i dont need to leave im still here and no doubt will be here this time next year but thats my choice, I am working on myself finding strength self love courage, putting finances in place finding a support network lots to do b4 i even think about leaving.
You say youve opened up to a friend thats a great start you say you have finances in place thats amazing so next ask yourself whats stopping you?
You can see its abusive as you are here right?
You know he will make it hard but living with him is also hard right?
Sweetie you deserve so much better, talk to womans aid arm yourself with as nuch advise you can reach out and get some help then sit down with yourself write a list of reasons to stay reasons to go but be honest with yourself he is abusive he is and nobody has to out up with that. Xxxx

[Cady York]

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I have recently come to accept the fact that I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship and I’m planning a way out. I understand the confusion and the flip flop of emotions. I recommend reading up on “Trauma Bonding”. It helps explain why a lot of us have a hard time leaving. I was driving myself crazy trying to figure out why I can’t just get up and walk out. In a nutshell, the brain gets addicted to the good moments. When you are treated poorly for most of the time, then you finally get a smile or a compliment, it floods the brain with feel good chemicals (I’ve forgotten the actual name…dopamine maybe). We become addicted to this and act and think irrationally in order to avoid loosing it. Granted this is very basic and there are lots of other things at play at the same time but, learning this has significantly alleviated a lot of the guilt and shame I’ve felt about letting it go on for so long. My own brain is working against me!! Regardless what our brain chemicals are doing, the fact remains that we are being treated badly and it won’t change until we get out. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. There has been layer after layer of realisations and they didn’t happen over night. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not. Don’t give up on yourself, ever.

[Wants To Help]

Abusers are very good at manipulating professionals and getting them on board. That is why it is never recommended that abused women go for ‘couples counselling.’ It has been in the news recently that the two women who have been jailed for the death of (detail removed by moderator) were able to manipulate and deceive the police and social workers who paid visits due to the concerns raised.

When you mention the custody of your son and how this could look bad on you, how do you mean? What are your concerns in relation to this?

[Anonymous]

Dreamingoffreedom hi hun, your husband sounds seriously mentally ill an assessment may be needed, he is also abusive without question, I hope you leave and hope it’s soon as it sounds like absolute torture living with him right now and it’s also unhealthy for your son, maybe consider refuge (I think people have an opinion of them but in my experience they were really nice places, but as you say you have the finances I just wonder whether due to his mental state he may get obsessive when you leave and you may need a restraining order and cut all contact with him as he is seriously unhealthy and these types sometimes end up as stalkers and harassers (not meaning to scare you but he sounds the type) please let us know how you get on as no one deserves this kind of treatment 💗🤗💗

[Dreamingoffreedom]

He said years ago when I talked about leaving “I would do whatever it takes” in terms of custody. It’s a joke really as he does very little. Even this weekend, his family even acknowledge that our son is a lovely little boy down to me. My concerns are him, that I know he should be with me as I am his primary carer and we have a much stronger relationship. I would never stop him from seeing his dad and I think I would be fair in terms of arrangements but I can bear to think of how he would lie, or twist situations to manipulate people into thinking I’m a bad mother.

[Dreamingoffreedom]

I suppose, I just don’t trust what he is capable of.

[Anonymous]

You’ll be fully protected if you went into refuge he wouldn’t be able to contact or find you (if you also take protective measures) it might be a good idea if you ever chose to leave to change your number due to the spyware location apps available out there, 💛☀️💛

[Author]

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