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I don’t know what to say or how to start really. I’ve never spoken on one of these before. It’s been going on for so long, so many years and I’m really only just seeing it.. everything is always my fault, my responsibility. He ties me up in knots when I try to speak, my brain gets cloudy and confused and I can’t say what I want to. Then he tells me he’s the victim of my domestic abuse and that everyone knows it. He says I gas light him when I try to speak and then twists what I’ve said and tells me I’m twisting his words. I have covid and he’s been horrific, just emotionally pushes me down further when I’m ill. I’m trying to get out and do it safely but he won’t accept it’s over and won’t move out. He’s vile and then says he loves me and wants to fix it followed by calling me names and telling me his drink and drugs issue is because of the kind of wife I’ve been. Two minutes later he’s trying to get me in to bed. He says I’m leading him on and giving mixed messages, maybe I am because it’s not easy having to consider how he will react when I say it’s over and even though I’ve said it again and again he doesn’t hear it. I’m exhausted 😩 sorry to ramble on
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Hello, welcome and it’s great you’ve taken that first step to reach out to people who will understand and support you. I’m sorry for what you have been living through, I hope by being here you will feel less alone. Have you read Lundy Bennett’s books Why Does He Do That and Daily Wisdom. The Daily Wisdom one is perfect for inspiration and comfort when living with this abuse.
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Hello lovely, I’m sorry you’re living like this. Definitely read the books Livinginhope recommends. But know this – he hears you. When you say it’s over, he hears that. He’s choosing to ignore you because it suits him – you should be allowed to leave someone if you want to it’s not their decision but this is how much we’ve been conditioned. Like you I told mine it’s over, he ignored me for weeks, I had nasty version, then overly nice acting like we were still together trying to kiss me, then vile again when he realised I wasn’t going to change my mind. He won’t leave of his own accord why would they, it doesn’t suit their needs or their entitled beliefs that they’re better than everyone especially us. You’ll need to look at your options which might be leaving yourself or seeking orders to get him out.
The twisting everything and making out you are the abuser, his reasons for the way he is, the drink/drugs are super common, abusers hold the mirror up and reflect their own actions into us as they won’t accept their own behaviour, again why would they, keeping us scared, anxious, confused, apologising and grovelling to fix things plays right into their hands. I hope I don’t sound too hard, I’ve been exactly where you are and it’s a hard, eye opening journey when you learn about abusers. But lovely you deserve better than this, this isn’t love or right. x
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Well done for starting to talk. I’m relatively new and know how hard it felt to post for the first time. I know what it feels like when someone twists your words or makes you doubt yourself. I’ve known it was emotional abuse for a long time but now things are really starting to fit together in terms of what is happening – mostly down to what I see and hear, as well as validation I am getting from a counsellor I’ve just started seeing. Keep posting and reading, it is opening up my mind and giving me reassurance that it isn’t just in my mind…
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It’s mind-blowing what they will blame others for. I was asked to ‘help him’ not do drugs before, when I told him that was down to him not me, I was told how cold and unsupportive I am and given the silent treatment. When I asked if he could start getting up earlier in the day (he generally stays in bed until the afternoon) I was told he does it because he’s depressed which again I apparently don’t ‘help’ with. So everything always circles back to being my fault. Although I can understand now that he isn’t my responsibility I do really struggle not feelinh guilty or sorry for him after being conditioned for so many years xx
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Nothing is ever their fault nothing, they will do no wrong at all it will always be you, your fault you will always be the problem.
You now need to see over all that bs and start to fight for yourself for your freedom i guess.
Read learn arm yourself with as much info as you can the amazing @kip always says knowledge is power and boy is she right. If you can lean on people you have around you as you wont be able to do this alone so talk things through if you have nobody then talk to womans aid or a dr or just keep talking on here but dont stop talking now it will really help clear your head and help you learn. Stay strong stay safe x
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