Hello

[Breadandbutterpudding]

(timeframe removed by Moderator) I used the emergency bag hidden in my car and got out. Ex was a dependent alcoholic. It’s taken me a very long time to realise what’s been going on but I’m still doubting myself when others have it so much worse. I’ve done a witness statement (timeframe removed by Moderator) and he’s been told not to contact me. He’s going to be furious. I’ve got to collect my belongings (timeframe removed by Moderator). I’ve had (number removed by Moderator) months of verbal, coercive, n**********c, gaslight, etc. It’s been escalating to physical slowly, had threats to kill before.

The police said its my word against his so they can only go on actual criminal evidence so it probably won’t get to court, which is why I’m wondering why I’m bothering.

My brain is soup.

Thanks for reading

[Lisa]

Hi Breadandbutterpudding,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you are finding the forum a safe and supportive place to be. You have been through so much- do you have contact with your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support? If needed, you can find their details here.

You are doing brilliantly- keep posting when you can, we are here for you every step of the way.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Breadandbutterpudding]

Hi Lisa. Thanks for replying. I’ve been slowly getting back in touch with people after not speaking to them for a number of years, I was convinced my friends hated me. They’ve been great and suggested getting counselling but can’t afford it. I’ve got my things and feeling sad, wondering if I was too hasty. His mother is trying to get me to talk to him but I’m staying strong and saying maybe one day if he gets sober. It’s so confusing but my brain is slowly making more sense

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Well done!

I didn’t get any counseling and after (timeframe removed by Moderator) months I’m fighting fit again.
If you can’t afford it you can do it yourself.

 

Theres some good stuff on YouTube that can help. Stick to the qualified Clinical psychologists or doctors (names removed by Moderator). Depending on what you think problem is (detail removed by Moderator)

If he’s an alcoholic could an Al Anon group in your area be a good place to start.

[Breadandbutterpudding]

Thanks for reply. Glad you’re doing well. I’ve got the book It’s Not You, but don’t have a lot of brain capacity for reading right now. Just spending time outside staring into space. I’ve been told not to look into alcohol support groups as that’s not my problem now and to try and process n*********s coercive gaslight emotional etc. (detail removed by Moderator)

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Spending time outside staring into space sounds like a brilliant way to heal.
Sounds like you’re doing all the right things!

Maybe the time will come to read the book, or maybe not.

We all have a period of deep doubt from what I can see from this forum over the months, and also my local domestic abuse group.

When something is like a death by a thousand cuts you look at each cut and think ‘pah!,  that’s not much, what am I worrying about’. Well, nothing, it’s just hundreds of those for the rest of your life, no support when you need it, no encouragement when you achieve something, no help when you want to do something, no relationship that he doesn’t harp on about, no pleasant day that you worry he’ll ruin…I could go on.

Plus, yes of course you will grieve for what you’ve lost. The dream that you thought that relationship could be and the time and energy that you put into it.
There’s a lot of pain and a lot of sadness involved.
Each bit of it rises to the surface as the weeks go on. But the book is right, believe it ‘it’s not you’.

Thats a sad realization in itself. But just keep feeling it and moving through it. You will get there. Xx

[Breadandbutterpudding]

Death by a thousand cuts is so right! It’s sad realising that the entire relationship was probably a lie and not real. I’m just glad I can move back to my old area and pick up old friendship and hopefully remember what I used to enjoy.

I just feel so stupid as I used to be such a raging feminist, arranging protest marches. How didn’t I see it happening?

I’ve collected my belongings and he’s put some of his stuff in and a lot of mine is “missing”. Probably so I’ll contact him. May have to cut my losses but very upset as it was sentiment

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean.

This really comes out of left field doesn’t it. I don’t think any of us could have seen it coming. I honestly believe that. Afterwards, yes maybe, but beforehand, never.

I hope you can get your stuff back. This is just a way of making sure you have to get back in contact with him, slightly on the defensive and slightly off balance, their favorite place for us to be.

I still get bitter about the amount of my possessions I had to abandon because of how difficult he made things.
It was a final stark lesson about how he is incapable of doing anything on anything but his own terms though.

Don’t give up on your stuff though, as long as you don’t compromise at all on safety, you should fight that one through.

[Breadandbutterpudding]

If I don’t get my belongings then he doesn’t get his. I’m just annoyed as a lot of it is rare things I’ve collected since the 90s I’ll never replace and he knows that. I messaged his mum to see if she would do a box swap but she just wants me to speak to him, which I appreciate, but she doesn’t know the full story and he’s made out to her I’m mad!

I’ve had messages from mutual friends, who have never messaged me before, asking how I am. Haven’t replied!

[Author]

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