Hello and thank you

This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #68003
    Profile photo of EbonyRaven EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Hi,

    Thank you all for being here and sharing. Reading the forum has helped me get from day to day many times. It helps me to understand that the intelligent, confident woman I once was still exists in there somewhere.

    I am married to an alcoholic n********t. I told him I want a divorce about a year ago but he refused to believe it and thought he could ‘make’ me love him again. He lost his job because of the alcoholism, although he says it is depression, and I could not gather together the £500 I needed to start a divorce. We have had separate rooms all that time, however he still says we’ll be ‘ok’.

    The alcoholism and depression are all my fault I’m told a lot of the time, until the reverse psychology of I’m a victim, help me, I can’t control myself kicks in again.

    I asked him to leave about a year ago, however he’s made no attempt to find anywhere. He did go and see his doctor and told me the doctor ignored his saying he drank too much, just gave him anti-depressants. He won’t go to any groups or use any online forums or similar and tells me over and over again how lonely he is, and how he just needs ‘a hug’.

    Prior, a hug would always, without fail, be a few seconds of hug then the wandering hands, straight to certain areas. Every single time whether that hug was for affection or comfort (Even when I lost my parents and was grieving painfully).

    He lies, and lies, and lies. He doesn’t seem to care much if he’s caught out though.

    He’s stolen money from me on many occasions. I once had the embarrassment of having put petrol in the car so I could get to and from work, and not having enough in my purse to pay. He has taken my bank card and used it to buy large amounts of alcohol, ensuring I go over my overdraft, and I’ve had to take time off work at the end of a month as I didn’t have the funds to get there because of this.

    I now carry my bank card on my person at all times and have changed the pin. I’ve also changed my passwords to any sites I use such as Amazon, XBox etc. in case my card details get saved since he’s gone and bought things through them too.

    When he is drinking he often talks about suicide and how I wouldn’t care if he did it. He self harms, but only in front of me. He recently sat next to me and took lots of tablets on top of drinking. I knew that the particular tablets wouldn’t kill him so I just kept an eye that he didn’t vomit.

    I found this site whilst searching for a way to get him to leave. I’m way past feeling guilty that he’ll possibly be homeless and will find it very difficult to cope.

    I’d almost given up hope and thought I’d be stuck with a freeloading lodger who complained that there were no chocolate biscuits in a house they hadn’t contributed anything, financially, emotionally or physically (no chores), to for a long time.

    I’m now trying to write a witness statement for an occupation order. It’s hard to know where to start and what to include, and is extremely painful to write. I shan’t be giving up on it though.

    He knows I’m applying for it however is doing nothing about finding somewhere to go. I’m dipping my toe tips into inner strength and self-confidence again, and looking forward to the day when I wake and don’t worry that he’ll be still sat in the lounge, smelling of ether (stale alcohol), and slurring. When I can drive home without anxiety knowing the only thing waiting is a slow cooker full of delicious stew.

    I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to hear the words I love you without getting a huge knot in my stomach ever again. They sound like a threat to me now.

  • #68006
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hello EbonyRaven. i to am trying to write a statement of abuser, i have no idea how to start it, i start in my head but when i go to put it down on paper, the words are lost.
    My oh also thinks a hug should lead to sex, he can be such an octopus. I can’t bear kissing him, as i no longer have any love for him. I give in to sex, as i know another rejection will jyst cause a stoorie, thankfully it’s over pretty quickly nowadays. I hope I’m over the panicky stage when we’re intimate, it’s comes out of nowhere. How id explain that to him is beyond me. He says I’m lucky as he doesnt drink, do drugs or stay out to yon time, it could be worse. And i know it could be but once you admit to yourself what your partner is, i dont think you can ever love them again. I find i am so contemptuous of him now, try to ignore him most days. Can’t gain eye contact, try so hard not to engage in any type of conversation with him at all. It’s usually and has always been really, he talks and i agree or nod. When i stand up for myself or disagree with him, im accused of having an attitude and it better stop or I’m talking back and I’ve to shut up, or I’ll be sorry. Sometimes i do as he says but im finding ive still got that bit in me that won’t shut up, how dare he talk to me like that. I love that in me. 💜
    I’m stronger than i was and it’s thanks to the wonderful ladies on here. I know where you’re coming from. We are the ones who understand what we’ve gone or are going through🤨
    Mine is now saying I’m meeting with his head, he’s suicidal, so i called his bluff and suggested going to see his doctor and he turned it around onto me, said i had to treat him nicer, change and he wouldn’t feel that way. 😄
    He bought donething recently fir himself, now is saying he bought it for me, i remember explicitly saying it wouldn’t work for me, but no he’s just wasted ££’s fir nothing and i better return it and get his money back 🤣🤣🤣

    Good luck and keep posting, we find stuff out to help us every day on here. 👋💜

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68007
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Sounds like you have taken legal advice. If not please get some good advice about legal separation as you don’t want him running up debts in both your names. His behaviour is that of an abuser. Able to control himself in front of others. If he was truly depressed it would show in front of everybody. But he save his behaviour just for you. Next time he threatens suicide or self harms then ring 999 for an ambulance. I would start with the harm he is causing to your mental health. Get your GP to back you up. Detail the fear he puts you in with his unpredictable behaviour. Emphasis on fear and scared for your safety. It sounds like you have been through a nightmare and still going through it. He’s going nowhere. Is the house in joint names? Can he actually afford to move out. Can you find somewhere for him? Rent a room off someone or can he move in with a family member? Is there someone who can
    Help you?

  • #68009
    Profile photo of EbonyRaven EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Iwantmeback, Thank you. You hit that nail square on with the Octopus allegory. Problem I had with giving in when we were in the same room, was his version of good sex was to ‘make’ me orgasm (I can do an excellent When Harry Met Sally impression now). Make being the operative word. He couldn’t participate mostly due to the alcohol. Although if I tried to discuss how I’d like him to it was turned back on me and was because I was too fat, too thin or even because I had said before I didn’t want to (I hadn’t, but he insisted I had).

    I totally empathise with the inner contempt, I too found that most ‘conversations’ were all about how my opinions should be discounted, invalidated, or made to look ridiculous or stupid.

    I also recognise that thing where he bought something, didn’t like or want it so said it was for you, so that you’d have the blame and have to be the one doing the work of returning it. I’ve had it the other way around in a way. He bought me a massage kit; Silk bag, rose petals (cloth ones) and massage oil. I hung it on a hook on the back of the bedroom door and looked forward to finding the petals spread out on the bed one night. Never happened. I asked him about it and he said in all seriousness: ‘I thought it was for you to use on me’. (I can laugh now lol).

  • #68011
    Profile photo of EbonyRaven EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Hi Kip, thank you also. No legal advice but lots of research. I can’t afford a solicitor. Thanks for the ideas on writing the statement, really helpful.

    You’re right it has been a nightmare, and I’m still struggling with it all.

    The house is in my name only, which will help a little I hope. He’s paid some money into my account from his wages toward household expenses a few of the years we’ve been together, but not a significant amount, and not into the house loan account.

    He is not working or claiming benefits so has no money at all. He’d need to use a bond scheme if the council found him somewhere. His family live the other side of the country and he won’t go to them because he says he’d be ashamed of failing in the marriage.
    I wouldn’t put my name to a rental for him, and would never ask any friends to rent him a room. It would be filthy, smelly and full of rubbish and empty cans and bottles really quickly. I wouldn’t put that on anyone. Not that he’d go even if I paid for it, he totally refuses to acknowledge that I want him to leave. He tries to act as if everything is ok and we’ll be fine once I come to my senses.

    I’ve become very isolated over the years, without realising it, so have few people to turn to. I’ve thought around and around this for over a year and the only option I can find now is to have him forcibly ejected, otherwise I’m going to continue indefinitely as things have been, stuck with him here, because I feel guilty about making him be an adult.

    Honestly I’ve tried all sorts, offered to drive him to the council offices, to AA meetings, self help groups, fill in forms for him. I’ve looked at rental listings and shown them to him. To no avail.

  • #68014
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    He’s going nowhere really is he. He’s got everything going for him and your footing the bill. My oh wouldn’t claim benefits for the short time he was out of work, that was only so csa couldn’t find him though, (little does he know they’d have found him through his national insurance number when he restarted work, they didn’t find him anyway) Wa can get you legal advice and its free for the first visit. They get in touch with your doctor to see if the abuse is affecting your health and need two statements of abuse to show the judge who then gets you the exclusion order issued. If you don’t want to do that, since the house is in your name, could you get the locks changed when he’s out, (if he goes out).You can then get the police involved once he starts to kick off trying to get back into the property. They rely on our shame in keeping them hidden from society, so if you’re okay with calling the police it’s anither option).then it’s a case of getting his belongings bagged up and out too.
    I too have isolated myself, not realising it was actually helping him in the long run. You know, not seeing friends cos he thought they were using me, not going out with workmates fir Christmas nights out eventually,(was always accused of having affairs)then it became my children, they only see you when its their birthday or Christmas. Or what are they wanting, whenever they’d call.I’ve actually ushered them out my back door as he was coming in the front door, he doesnt like anyone in the house when he comes in from work. (I hardly see my elderly parents now either,he’s used my issues with them to his advantage too). It’s his time and he just wants peace. But they’re family, but then I’m told over and over that theyre my family not his😭
    Keep posting, keep learning, there are many ladies on here with sage advice.

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68025
    Profile photo of EbonyRaven EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Great advice. He absolutely never goes out anywhere if I’m here, unless he knows I’m fast asleep. I’ve developed some form of stomach problem the last year so I’ll be asking my doctor if he thinks it may be down to stress due to home life and treatment. I have to ring him next week for test results in any case.

    He’s definitely entrenched here, and has no plans to move on his own, that’s for certain.

  • #68027
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I can guarantee your stomach problem is due to the stress you’re under 100%. Have you looked at health problems arising ftom living with an abuser or through continued stress. I swear if i was an animal id be put down.😅(at least we can still have a sense of humour even if we no longer laugh or smile as spontaneously) I definately think our problems would improve greatly and some maybe even stop if we are not with our abusers.
    Tske care, hope you have a peaceful weekend

    IWMB 💕💕

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