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2016 is the year I will divorce my emotionally abusive, passive aggressive and highly charming husband, mainly for claiming over a period of two years that illness meant he couldn’t have sex, whilst unbeknownst to me he was masturbating in the bathroom to porn three times a week, in order to avoid having to tell me he doesn’t want any more children (that’s the reason he gives) and then when I got angry about it, said that I was mentally ill and that’s why he could never have told me the truth.
2015 and many years before were spent turning myself inside out, reinventing myself several times over, and blaming myself for the way he was treating me. I realise now what a terrible example this sets our daughter.
The irony being, he’s the one that ended the relationship because I chipped away at his love for me. Nothing to do with a miss fancy pants that he met three months ago, no, absolutely because I’m a terrible person.
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Hi FH
Good luck with all the changes going to happen in your life.
Mine couldn’t have sex for years unless he forced me.
These men are never at fault its always someone else’s problem, I was always blaming myself, but in time I realised there was nothing I could do to that would be right.
Get as much legal knowledge as soon as possible, that was were I went wrong.
Keep safe xx
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Hi Foggyhere,
That awful and how deceitful.
I guess you know about ‘miss fancy pants?’ Hes blaming you so he doenst have to carry the guilt around with him and its easier to shift on to you as you having been carrying for as long as you have been together.
Mine blamed me for all the women on our life and for anything that went wrong that he did – he is is rubbish at taking responsibility for his own actions, he is an adult after all but nope to much for them.
None of this is your fault and dont take his projection of blame or denial , you can just think to yourself this isnt my stuff its his.
Stay safe xx
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Im sitting here in tears because I can’t believe I let him do this. It was a few years ago, and even after he refused to go to therapy about it, I just internalised the whole thing. He describes me as lazy and grumpy, and prone to fits of rage. I found a journal entry from the time and it says “Why do I fly into such a rage at him over such small things, but I can’t confront his bebetrayal.”
I tore myself apart trying to get to the bottom of my emotional stability, faced all the demons I had as a result of growing up in an abusive upbringing and I never lost hope that he would one day come to couples therapy and start rebuilding my trust in him.
I’ve been on antidepressants for 5 years, and the dose goes up and up and really I’m still not right.
Things seriously went off the boil when I stopped getting engaged in verbal fights with him. I was so confused by this, and now I can’t understand why I didn’t spot that I was his supply just in the same way I’m my Mother’s supply.
He spent the last 6 months pretending he was really happy to be with me, apparently to see whether he felt differently towards me. In that time he saw a therapist (he hid this from me), and apparently this was what his therapist told him to do. I was completely unaware, although in that period I had an unexplained depression blip, and now I suspect that it’s because his sudden change in behaviour felt superficial. I feel as though I’ve been used and thrown away.
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Hello Foggy,
Yes it is total frustration and confusion with these abusers. We give everything we have; turn ourselves inside out to fit their demands and then finally we are left looking at the wreckage feeling our lives have been torn apart as they move on for their next fix. I think many of us will identity with the discard tactics and it hurts like hell! I remember well the early days of separation and I felt like I was losing my mind. I did need help from the gp and counselling. It takes a lot of therapy and support to make sense of it all. Also, there could be local support available via the helpline so do give them a ring. I’m not going to lie, it is a long road back to recovery after the abuse but every step you take in the right direction is building towards a future abuse free and you so deserve that. Keep posting because the ladies on here are a fantastic support and offer lots of practical help. 2016 will be the year I need to take that final step to divorce so I can appreciate where you are coming from. What I do now is pour the energy it took keeping him happy into planning a better future without his mind games and controlling abuse. I wish you a better future, too x -
The pace of everything is scaring me, it’s been less than a month since he lifted his mask off and threw me away. I ended up under the care of my local crisis team because my GP was concerned I’d end my life when my daughter isn’t with me. And now he’s trying to back me into a corner financially, so I’ve had to lawyer up whilst still under crisis team, and only 5 weeks have gone from me thinking I was married to Mr Fabulous to filing a divorce.
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Yes foggy – this has been too much to deal with, no wonder you are under a crisis team. I had some very dark moments too and it was the scariest time of my life and I consider myself a strong person. But, the rug has been pulled from under you with no warning. It’s not surprising you are suffering. People gave me the advice of being kind and patient with yourself, self-love, it’s easy to neglect yourself in this stage. I also have my adult daughters to thank for being massive supporters of me and it sounds like you have a loving relationship to gain strength from. Don’t be hard on yourself, these early weeks and months are massive in terms of adjustments to your everyday reality and I know that extreme anxiety and how debilitating it is. Take good care of yourself – in time it will get easier(didn’t believe it in the early days) but it takes a lot of help and support and you are going through it at the moment. Thankfully sounds like you’ve got a responsive medical team to help you x
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My daughter is too young for that responsibility – she’s under 10. Luckily he’s well resourced, so although finances are going to be tighter, I currently have funds to pay for a really good therapist, and I’ve just picked up a really stunning Swarovski ring in the sale – going to wear it on my ring finger as a sign of my commitment to myself to love me and to put all that energy I gave to him into building a fantastic new life for me and my daughter.
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Oh dear, that fabulous therapist….What they sometimes do is start floating ideas to you, and I’ve just realised he’s trying to tell me it’s because my husband is possibly a n********t. The problem with that us that my mum is also one, so it would seem I walked straight into a relationship with one as a way to escape the abuse of another. Obviously I’m now going to seriously doubt my own judgement.
It also explains why it went so wrong. I had a form of therapy called DBT – focused on helping me to manage my emotions better. And what that did was enable me to set better boundaries with my Mother and stop being her supply. You have to weather quite a storm when you do this with a n********t, because they use every trick in the book to get you back.
At the time, there was something odd happening to my husband, and I decided that it must be that I’m trying to be his supply, except he doesn’t want that. So I stopped reacting to his behaviour too. And then he love bombed me, which at the time I thought was our relationship getting back on track. And then after managing to break through one last time and get a really good emotional response from me (he pretended my car had been stolen – what bizarre behaviour!!), he discarded me in the worst way possible, and then still not realising what was happening, I let him see how devastated and broken I was. Of course now I’ve gone no contact, he’s started to behave in a really agressive way.
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