10th July 2019 at 10:10 pm #83089
Help I am totally falling apart. I apologise now as this will probably be a lengthy post, my husband, children. in laws and my best friend know the whole story but I have never disclosed it elsewhere and I reckon that I am just going to splurb it all out
I finally stepped away from a historically abusive father, who followed me down to where I live after the death of my mum (detail removed by moderator). I guess that I still felt a duty of care to him and if I am being totally honest I hoped that he would finally come to his senses and realise with age that family was both precious and important and that would dawn on him. However he constantly burned down all the bridges that I constantly kept building, his drinking cronies and the barmaids were far more precious to him than his own flesh and blood and nothing has changed there at all.
His abuse caused me a lifelong inferiority complex and although I succeeded in life, joined the RAF and qualified as a very competent cassivac aeromed nurse, socially I have remained awkward and find it difficult to hold a conversation with new people. I find it hard even to call him a father and have named him the weasel for decades. His abuse was mostly emotional and verbal abuse but with 2 episodes of physical abuse towards me and many to my mum
Our childhood was very dysfunctional but from a young age I knew I had to step up and try to protect my younger brother and my mum so I learned to deliberately put myself in the firing line to minimise their pain but it cost me dearly in way too many ways but I don’t regret what I did as I have recognised how strong I was to have done that. Weasel was a very slight man with little man syndrome, he was very bitter and had a huge chip on his shoulder and was very much “I am the master of this house” and “I will put you all in your place”, he also worshipped Hitler When he wasn’t at work he was at the working mens club getting drunk and would come home with a shed load of dutch courage and shoot my mum to pieces with his verbal hostility. He was a shift worker so the times that he came home with a skin full varied but mum would tell us to get upstairs and stay in your room before your dad gets home. The house was always very tense and mum was constantly going without food as he gave her very little money to feed us. She finally managed to get out to do a few hours work cleaning in the evenings but wasn’t allowed out otherwise. At a young age I didn’t really understand what was going on but I knew that my friends families was relaxed and happy. Almost daily from the moment I started to put myself in the firing line he started to say I would never be an asset and that I would forever be a liability, I would never accomplish anything and that I was sub human and would have been either gassed or lined up and shot in Hitlers mighty reign. I still am non the wiser to why he was a Hitlerite, When I questioned him as to why he called me a liability and a sub human he could not answer me. I even recorded our conversation one time as I was going to hold him accountable and press charges but I just couldn’t do it and as he got older and more feable I thought that people would think I was cold hearted to put such a sweet old man through such a thing. I didn’t like to think that people would think the worst of me.
So, why am I off loading now…..
I am (detail removed by moderator) with grown up children of my own and I knew there would come a day when I would be notified that he had finally died and I would be free from all his mind games.
He went into a nursing home a year ago with worsening dementia, had a fall last week and hospital decided to operate, however he wasn’t recovering from surgery and they felt it best to just give palliative care and just make him comfortable. When the Dr told me this I agreed and as I got off the phone i felt like getting the bunting out and throwing a party knowing that his death was imminent, I was elated. I got a call early morning Monday to say that his breathing had slowed and did I want to come in to be with him, I said no but worried myself sick thinking that the staff would think me very cold. An hour later I got the call to say he had died and I felt overjoyed once again but by Monday evening I felt so very very sad but not at him dying but more that it was very sad that I didn’t feel sad and a huge recognition that feeling overjoyed was all manner of twisted.
This morning I was watching Lorraine Kelly on am tv and she had 2 brothers in who told the story of their father who had murdered their mother and sister. The story was that they had both escaped by going off to university, thenonce they had jobs they saved up to assist their mum and sister in escaping by getting thgether enough money to hgave a deposit for mum and sister to rent somehwere and the money to support them until they could support themselves, however 5 days after they escaped and started their new life the father found where they were and he shot them both before killing himself.
This story totally floored me. My mum died of cancer (detail removed by moderator) but on her death bed she let out a married life time of secrets. As a teen I asked her, pleaded with her to leave home yet she never did, the reason….. Weasel had told her that should she ever think of leaving he would know and that he would torch the house with the three of us in it before he would suffer the humiliation of his wife leaving him, her coerced her into staying and she did so to save our lives, I have no doubt that he would have done just that. She also disclosed that she had been having an affair for many years, I found out three years ago that he knew but as long as we all remained at home she would remain unable to leave. My worst physical abuse was on one weekend when I was (detail removed by moderator) and as far as I knew my mum was going for a weekend away with her dancing friends. My brother had gone to stay with a friend and his family and I was left with him. He had planned to harm me and he did. He had come back from the pub and I awoke to being pulled out of bed by my hair, he dragged me out of my bed and dragged me backwards and upside down down the stairs and threw me down into the cellar, he had removed the lightbulb (premeditated) and locked me in, I remained in there from the Friday evening until Sunday pm, cold, frightened, exhausted and humiliated that I had to use the cat litter tray as a toilet. When mum arrived home he then let me out with a smug evil look on his face saying “be warned” In the late 70’s I guess mum felt that she wouldn’t be taken seriously if she reported it to the police and that she would put all our lives in danger if she did so anyway, so he got away with it
I am now feeling very angry with myself, why the hell did I not take the recording to the police and press charges. I thought that when he finally slipped the mortal coil I would finally feel free but I now feel worse, too may things left unresolved.
If you have managed to stay through this saga and read the lot, then thank you and once again I am sorry that it was so long
10th July 2019 at 10:27 pm #83093KIP.Participant
Hi, I was once told that I did what I had to do to survive. I think your mum did and so did you. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but when your stuck in the abuse, the whole thing doesn’t make any sense. Trauma robs us of rational thinking too. There’s only one person to blame for the abuse. He won’t be hurting anyone again. My ex abused me terribly for years and I don’t think I would give him a second thought if he was killed. I don’t think that makes me a bad person. We each deal with grief differently. You must be truly brave and courageous to have got so far in your own life. Please enjoy it and give yourself some closure. It might be worth seeking some good counselling x
10th July 2019 at 10:38 pm #83095
Hi KIP, thank you for hanging on in there with my first post.
I sense that I may finally be on some road to healing as I could never have posted this previously. For over 20years I have called NSPCC and been on hold and then hung up thinking that my history wasnt bad enough to warrant anyone talking me through stuff. It was the brothers on Lorraine that tipped me into finally seeking help. First I visited the webpage and got the number for victim support, spoke with them they passe me to NSPCC and then they directed me.
I am going to go and speak to a GP and get some proper councilling as I recognise that I need total closure now. x*x
11th July 2019 at 5:43 pm #83163fizzylemParticipant
Sounds dreadful S, I hear what you are saying and it’s only natural that you are starting to question is there any regret, however, this man was dangerous, so for me reading what you went through, it sounds as though steering clear of him while he was alive, as soon as you were able, was the best option for sure.
I cheered reading about your mum having an affair, left me feeling pleased that she did actually manage to get away from him, for short periods, and please herself, feel happiness in the arms of someone who loved and cared for her.
We cant change the past, going over what should or shouldnt have happened only leads to misery – you did what you could in a difficult situation at that time with the resources available to you, same for your mum. It is what it is now, acknowlegde you cant change that, but what you can do is use it to inform your life and how you want things to be.
I think some counselling to help you process it all and move into a position of acceptance and feeling ok now is a good idea. Thankfully, you survived x
11th July 2019 at 8:51 pm #83187
Hi Fizzylem, thank you so much for your response. I think that I am going to be on a yoyo of emotions but I felt a shift after sharing it here yesterday. I was elated too when I found out that mum had found love and experienced someone genuinely loving her too, just sad that she dare not risk leaving.
I spoke with an ex colleague today over lunch, he is a psychologist, he was so shocked at what I revealed but has recommended me a psychotherapist with a wealth of experience in familial abuse, however I no longer work and we are on a limited budget. he said that it may be possible to get GP funding so I must get an appointment and hope.
I was also contacted today re the coroners office and I have to go and identify weasel next week. Yesterday I would have freaked out but today I think I can do it. Maybe seeing a frail old man no longer able to manipulate and cause real pain will be benificial. I also had his solicitor call me to inform me that I was a benificiary in his will. Weasel had threatened to write both my brother and I out of it and I bit as it was all mums money, we had nothing until she had a large pools win and bought a 3 bed semi detached house, sadly in the 70’s women could not be property owners holding the deeds so the property was in his name. One of the main reasons I fought and kept rebuilding bridges was because it was mums money and she stayed for our safety and she would be so cross. He kept holding us over a barrel and also wrote a barmaid into his will for a huge amount despite the fact that she was befriending for financial gain, I did contact social services and the police but nothing could be proven, that was the moment I finally stepped away after he said that I must have stolen his money. He had taken his keys off of me and given them to this woman, but not only this she had him paying for her petrol and food shopping for her family of 4 every week when she took him shopping, for which he paid her £10. I told him that once she was aware that she had been written into the will she would not be seen for dust and I was right. It’s all been a mess and a game of manipulation and my children abhored him. It also caused a huge rift between my brother and I but yesterday I also had a call from him after 3 years, again over the befriending incident and we are now healing those wounds, he also knew nothing about the physical abuse and the cellar incident and was appalled. so at least I can utilise what may be coming to me financially to pay for therapy in the future, every cloud has a silver lining.
It has been a lifetime of manipulation and I just want to never have to deal with anything to do with him again. Time to move forward and let go.
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