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    • #143139
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hello all. I am so relieved to have an outlet for the many thoughts I have and cannot share elsewhere.

      (Detail removed by Moderator).

      Then I go home and realise I am a complete hypocrite. My husband is my friend, lover and my life. But try as he may, he can’t keep a lid on his emotions. And so every few months I find myself being slapped across the face, dragged by my hair, grabbed and pulled around like a ragdoll, the tops of my arms tightly held and shaken roughly. On one or two occasions I’ve had ribs broken, my stomach kicked, even a black eye and broken cheekbone. Normally it is just slapping and hair pulling though. Or grabbing and dragging.

      Then comes the inevitable apology. The show of contrition, the begging for forgiveness, the promise it won’t happen again. He is so sorry, he is so stressed, etc, etc.

      And we will have a few amazing months. Absolutely lovely. We get along so well and I genuinely do adore the man.

      Then gradually he will begin to snap at me, to criticise the things I do, to shout or possibly even throw things, to mock me or berate me over nothing. I feel it like a pressure gauge, rising and rising. And then the inevitable release of pressure is after about a month of this, when he finally snaps and hits me.

      And as stupid as it sounds, I actually feel relieved when he does this. Because I know it means his pressure gauge has been reset to zero, and we can enjoy another 2 or 3 great months before it starts to build up again. And I do enjoy those months so much. I convince myself that this will be us from now on and he has changed for good this time. Deep down I know that’s a lie.

      I am so ashamed of the way I live. I should know better. I DO know better. I know that he is not behaving well. I know I should leave. I am under no illusions. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I love him too much. And I love the time when he is reset to zero. I don’t think I can ever be without him. And the months after he is violent are genuinely wonderful, I do everything I can to prolong this period and to stop the pressure rising within him, but nothing works. I suppose I have to just accept this as part of my marriage. If I want to be with the man I love then it means tolerating this aspect of his personality. And yet if it was anyone else, I would be urging them to leave and not accept the behaviour.

      So my name is lemonade-promenade and I am a complete hypocrite.

    • #143141
      Mellow
      Participant

      Oh sorry lovely my heart broke because it’s like a reflection of my self only I endure emotional abuse not physical you don’t deserve it I’m the same I can’t leave I love him and will let him treat me atrociously than leave even when people tell me to go or tell him to go I can’t but I’m going to leave in my heart I will but when they are nice you want it to work I’ve gone doing in circles telling him to go accepting the peace and keeping him in the home apologising to him when it’s not my fault.they don’t love us though they haven’t got no respect for us I hope you can realise this as I’m trying to not sure if I’m there yet,here to chat if you need message me

    • #143146
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Hello and welcome. Have you read about the cycle of abuse? What you describe is exactly that, it’s what keeps you hooked as you say to the good times. We can definitely relate to that relief you feel after an explosion but lovely, that’s a high level of physical abuse you describe there and a) you don’t deserve it and b) it escalates and how much further would you live through ?! You say he can’t control his emotions but is he going around attacking ppl in the street or is it just you? If it’s just you then he’s 100% capable of controlling his emotions and is choosing to attack you, and passing it off as something he can’t control to excuse it.

      You’re not a hypocrite you’ve joined this forum as you know this behaviour isn’t right, my advice would be to learn about abuse, read up on the cycle of abuse and trauma bonding. The more you learn, the less you find is ok and the stronger you become. Priority one is your safety though xx

    • #143152
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thank you both for your replies.

      I am sorry you are going through a similar thing, Mellow. It is so true that we end up apologising to them even if they’re the ones in the wrong! They seem to have a power over us so that something makes sense at the time and then afterwards I realise he has manipulated me. How do they do it?! I think you’re right that there is a lack of respect. I know my husband loves me, but I don’t think he feels very much respect for me. I am sorry you are going through this too. I am just so desperate to stay in the good times, before his pressure gauge builds up again. I can feel it happening right now and I feel so useless not being able to stop it.

      Thank you, Bananaboat (I love that username!). I think I’m probably guilty of making it sound far more extreme than it actually is. We’ve been married almost (detail removed by moderator) and honestly I have told you the absolute worst of it. In truth it is normally just a quick slap or a shove and that’s it. The times i mentioned in my original post were some of the absolute worst times over (detail removed by moderator) years. He has an incredibly stressful job and his mum was ill too, so he isn’t normally that way at all. I am sorry for giving a false impression. It’s normally really tame, to be honest.

      I know you say I don’t deserve it and rationally I agree, because nobody really deserves to be slapped. But equally I am not proud of this, but I can be very difficult to live with. I am untidy, I am lazy, I am a pig really. And our youngest is in school now, so I have no excuse for my messiness, other than being lazy! And no excuse for not losing the baby weight yet either, come to think of it! So I agree I don’t deserve it, but I definitely do provoke him. I can’t deny that. His job is so much harder than mine and it takes so much responsibility, so it makes sense that he wants to come home and relax in a clean and tidy house. Obviously he’s going to be frustrated when he comes home to a hovel! I don’t blame him one bit for that.

      I think you’re right about the cycle of abuse. It is almost clockwork the way it Happens. I am trying so hard to break the cycle and to stay within the good times, but I can’t manage it. I can feel his pressure building up right now. I am trying so hard to defuse it but it’s like whatever I try just makes things even worse. I suppose that’s why I’m posting here. Desperation. I don’t know what to do to prevent this from happening. I feel constant dread, cos I know I will do or say the wrong thing and he will just snap. It is quite stressful. It hurts but it’s not even that sore most of the time, it’s more just the fear of it happening. The anger he must feel, to be pushed to that. And then my humiliation afterwards. Saying “never again”. Until next time.

      No, he definitely doesn’t assault other people! I think to be fair I am probably the biggest annoyance in his life though. He has an incredibly stressful job and I am supposed to help him relax. But instead I make things even worse for him. I wish I had a filter sometimes.

      He will be getting up soon, so I need to get off my phone before he does. He is like a bear with a sore head some mornings!

      • #143166
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Your reply made me sad. You are being so hard on yourself.

        The not wanting to do much is more likely to be depression than laziness. Living a life where you don’t know what mood your partner is going to be in if exhausting, you’re constantly walking on eggshells or on high alert even if you don’t realise it. The constant criticism is draining too.

        His job being stressful, his mum being ill etc are general life stuff, is he going around slapping his colleagues at work or Joe bloggs walking down the street because he’s stressed? No he’s choosing to take it out on you. These men often have an entitled view of the world, their job is always more important/more stressful than yours, housework isn’t their responsibility- on that note, what’s he doing to make sure the house is up to his standards? I’m guessing not much, just criticising you. You criticise yourself in your post a lot, are they his words? Been said to you so much you believe them?

        I wonder if your child was slapping their partner or being slapped you’d be so dismissive of it? It’s never ok, lovely. That fear and dread you describe is abuse too, not just the physical stuff!

        I know from experience that you feel like your experiences aren’t maybe as strong as others, or not as regular etc so it’s harder to acknowledge but try reading Lundy Bancroft’s book, ‘why does he do that’, it really opened my eyes to all the other more subtle things he was doing which added to the control & feeling of constantly being on eggshells.

    • #143155
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Hello and welcome I agree with the advice you have been given. You are so hard on yourself he and perhaps others before have trained you to have a low opinion of yourself. You do not deserve this however messy your home is or whatever you say. It’s funny but my new home is so lovely now I’ve left I didn’t have the headspace for much else apart from managing him day by day but I couldn’t see it then! Could you get some counselling/speak to your GP? This is him not you. It’s domestic abuse and you and your children deserve safety and freedom x

    • #143206
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thank you both. Today has been really hard so your kindness is especially appreciated right now. He has been in a foul mood with me all day. I feel like a train is coming towards me and I can’t stop it, I know it’s coming.

      The criticism is so draining, you’re right. I don’t know how to please him and make it stop. Nothing I do is the right thing for him. It’s exhausting.

      He works very long hours in a really stressful job, but I only work part time, so I do all of the housework and cooking and most of the childcare too. But I am so exhausted all the time, I can’t keep up. I only manage to do the bare minimum. The kids are well cared for, but the house is just a mess. Toys and clothes everywhere. And he is so so angry about it and I feel like I’m drowning, because I have so much to do and I can’t keep up. I need to get the house sorted and then maybe he’ll get off my back a bit. But I look around and it’s so overwhelming and I don’t know where to start. I just cry even looking about the house like this.

      I don’t sleep well and I think this makes things worse, because I am so tired all the time. I did ask him if we could get a cleaner, which we could easily afford, but he pretty much laughed in my face! I realise I am just being lazy, but if I could just get a decent sleep it would make such a difference. I only work (detail removed by moderator) hours a week!

      He has been in a very bad mood tonight, partly because of the state of the house and partly because I forgot to (detail removed by moderator) and of course he claims to need this exact shirt. I am so b****y stupid, I am desperately trying to keep him happy and then I’m making simple mistakes like that.

      Thank you, I have been to the GP for low mood and I am on antidepressants, but they don’t seem to do much except make me more tired. And hungry!

      I don’t know what to do. The kids adore their dad. And I love him too, in spite of his mood swings. I love him so much. He is never angry with the kids, only me. When he’s nice he’s so very nice.

      The biggest problem we have right now (other than the house being a bomb site) is my weight. Between having 4 kids, the antidepressants and then general overeating, I am 2 stone overweight. I am disgusted with myself, because I have neglected my body. And I feel so unattractive and just like Mr Blobby, lol.

      Thank you, I will check out that book. I will order it to the library, cos I can’t imagine him being thrilled if he discovered it in the house! He’s not a monster like some of the men you read about here, he is actually a very sweet guy, but he just gets so stressed and overwhelmed and I end up bringing out the worst of his anger. I am a b****y useless fat pig, honestly.

      • #143217
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        He’s done a right job on you hasn’t he.

        You are not a lazy pig. You are a busy mum of 4, who works, is running a house and has an abusive partner.

        Let’s be honest nothing you do will ever be good enough. It doesn’t matter how much you clean, how much you tidy, how much weight you lose, and so on, it will never be enough as the goalposts will just change.

        He’s got you ‘trained’, you’re right where he wants you – downtrodden, compliant and scared and therefore easy to manipulate. If one of your kids was in a relationship like this would you say stay?

        That book is available on Google for free if you can find it and read it safely. Watch Dr Ramani on YouTube, she’s fantastic too.

        Final word – his behaviour is exactly that- HIS, you are NOT to blame or at fault. He’s gaslit you into believing that. Good luck xx

    • #143285
      RedStrawberry
      Participant

      Hi lemonadepromenade. He sounds exactly like my ex. He only “blew up” when he was stressed. I did everything to minimise the stress but when it came to something only he could do he couldn’t handle it and would lose it. Similarly he constantly complained about the mess in the house but like you I was completely exhausted and when I asked him to help me he’d say he would but very rarely did or he’d start to help then get distracted and leave more mess. He used to think I did nothing all day (I looked after the kids). It’s awful isn’t it, they make you feel like you have to be perfect and you try so hard but it’s never good enough. That and the shifting goalposts. I didn’t realise how much of the exhaustion and anxiety was caused by his behaviour til he was gone. I’ve not had not a panic attack since he did and his not great sleeping habits are no longer disturbing me so I’m not as tired anymore. But when it was good it was really good and I felt like he genuinely loved me but now I’m so confused and wondering if everything was lies.

      You are not responsible for his behaviour no matter how much you feel it and unless he realises he has issues it’ll keep happening.
      (My ex never accepted any responsibility for his actions he preferred to blame me instead) Sending support and take care

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