12th April 2019 at 2:01 pm #75832LaMesaParticipant
Hello I am new to the forum…I would like some support, please I have had a difficult experience with my local DVS service….I had an initial interview with a new outreach worker last month following an incident where I phoned the police…I have been married (detail removed by Moderator) yrs.same partner…at my interview the worker only partly filled in the contact form….we only got 4 questions in…she said that she found me patronizing, I apologized and said how embarrassed, and uncomfortable I was that she would think this about me, she left the room…this was said to me at this meeting but was also said last year by an older outreach worker working from the same office…I dont know what to do or where to turn to for support. Last year the outreach worker only met with me 3 times over 6 weeks and never filled in the form…I asked at our initial phone contact,after a self referral following an incident with my partner, when she said she was away for 2 weeks holiday…if there was another worker to contact if anything happened…that when I was said to be patronizing, last year…I have contacted anonymously national helplines and womens services in a major city and received more helpful and supportive information, than from my local service, but they refer me back to my local service….what should I do? I am so upset and feel doubly insecure…It has taken me a longtime to get up courage to even contact the service again, it has been 3 weeks from my last meeting with the outreach worker….and no further appointment to finish form filling nor for support has been given or offered…she text me with advice to apply for universal credit…but I cannot as I am married and not working and living with my husband.
12th April 2019 at 3:07 pm #75836fizzylemParticipant
Hi LM, sorry to read it’s been so unpleasant and unhelpful, not what any of us want to read is it, its so hard to reach out, then when you do finally, the right support is desperately needed, but sadly it is not always there for everyone.
If you felt able, I would suggest going back to the local charity, but ask to speak with the manager, try to get to the bottom of things, is it something you are doing? Or is it the lack of experience in the support worker? A lack of maturity? What’s happening here? Because you feel you really need some support and this is adding to the confusion and leaving you feeling like you want to give up.
Sometimes we need to shape our support, sometimes this means educating folk, sometimes people opt out of doing this because it feels like too much hard work when you need support – which is understandable; but I guess what is best for everyone is if we pursue it, push, get to a point where it comes good for us and the person or agency supporting – where everyone learns and things improve, not just for you but for everyone involved and the women that then follow you.
You shouldn’t be feeling judged when accessing this service I do know that.
Keep posting. FL.x
12th April 2019 at 4:35 pm #75841
Hi there, I’m so sorry you have had such a negative experience. It sounds as if the ladies you’ve dealt with do need more training, or maybe they’ve been abused themselves and are now working in the centre but still have certain issues to deal with. I find people throw words out nowadays without knowing the true meaning of them. Even if you are patronizing, you have still been abused, you still deserve help and advice on what to do or where to go next. Thank God for this forum, hopefully we can help you, where in real life terms it might not be possible for whatever reason. The whole point of reaching out is for validation and not being made to feel like a victim anymore.
Ask us anything, you can pm anyone too if you want to, some of us chat back and forth privately as well💛
Don’t give up how, could you maybe go to another WA centre in another town, please don’t give up. You can get through this, we will try and help you as much as we can.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕
12th April 2019 at 5:17 pm #75845WoollymammalParticipant
Hi LM, I’m sorry you’ve had this happen to you, I too had a terrible experience from a domestic abuse team that my physchologist uses, they almost got me into a lot of trouble with him..Phoning me, instead of texting, luckily I got to my phone 1st..Then they never booked a room for me, and never bothered turning up for an appointment, this was just for assessment, dread to think what they would be like for support..
Anyway WA directed me to 3 other support areas as they were a bit overwhelmed..
I contacted 1 the next day, wonderful understand ing lady..Text me to see if safe to talk, met with my support worker and hopefully make a plan to leave..
Please don’t give up, there’s help for you..
12th April 2019 at 8:41 pm #75852freedomtochooseBlocked
This is really difficult, I have had similar experiences with the NHS over a decade or so.
Now I would ask them straight away what they mean exactly by ‘patronising’ also ask for copies of any records they are making about you.
Difficult to have to do, but really important.
You should be able to do this under especially newly introduced data protection regulations.
or indeed the freedom of information act.
See Heather Brooke’s work on this, in the book ‘Your right to know’.
Very difficult that we have to do this as well as what we have suffered but it is important, belive me.
12th April 2019 at 8:53 pm #75854
I’ve learned to expect on occasion to be treated like this and I then go down another route. Unfortunately services can be under funded and the training can be poor. That’s not your fault though. I would be tempted to ask for someone else to deal with what’s happening and write in to let them know what you’ve experienced and how this has left you feeling -powerless more than you already do! This isn’t right the problem is there are people who are in these important roles that are of so many different personalies, cynics are the worst of these people to deal with. Next time I’m hoping you’ll get someone helpful! Please keep going it’s a brick wall but many other doors ahead will be open xx much love diymum 💪 💕 💕
12th April 2019 at 10:54 pm #75867
Hi with reference to UC, once you get offered a place of your own is when you apply for benefits. The amounts you receive are the same as they were under the old names esa,job seekers, housing benefit etc. and this info is available on .gov site online. There is going to be changes made to it as they now realise it’s actually not working, just not sure when. Also social housing usually have these forms with them when you sign for the property. They know they have to wait for rent being paid, but you’ll get arrears paid and are then able to pay the rent arrears. The new system is stupid to say the least. Many women remain because they can’t access this information, your local cab can tell you what you need to know too. 💛💜
Best wishes IWMB 💕🍀
13th April 2019 at 7:42 am #75872LaMesaParticipant
well ladies thankyou for youre responses, after posting this yesterday I received a call back from a helpline…who echoed what has been written above, that it was a poor experience I had had, and with the advice to recontact the DVS, again…speak out about my experience with them, again and ask, again for support more suitable…they also gave me contact for a WA service 50 miles from me, for me to reach out too…I then went to my neighbors and cried it all out…it has been emotionally traumatizing another… layer on top….wow…I am (age removed by moderator), it has taken me more than (detail removed by moderator) years to get to this stage…I was beyond emotionally drained n distressed, by it yesterday….it is hard enough asking for support,no one wants to be in this position…even if I believe it is not my fault and that I deserve a different experience in my life…it is not different…what have I done wrong? thats how it tranlates to me…this persistent experience….I have asked and said that I feel like I need an advocate who will help guide me to navigate my way through this…because it is traumatizing, and so time consuming.. I have also replied to a txt received from My DVS worker 4 weeks ago to ask when my next appt would be….and have not received a response yet…..I feel so dis empowered…I am oscillating between tearful overwhelm…resignation….embarrassment…..mortification….frustration…& anger….feelings associated with reaching out to a service which is there for support & advice so that I can leave a situation where I have the same dynamics and emotions in play, it feels so wrong. I just want to give up and resign myself to it never being different for me….Even reading the truth of what I have written above is so demoralizing and embarrassing for me.
13th April 2019 at 8:43 am #75875
Hi LaMesa, finally really accepting our husband’s abusive in whatever way, literally turns your world upside down and inside out. Feels like you’ve been put through the ringer, or hit with a freight train and you’re lying around in pieces not knowing where to start to put yourself back together again. Many of us have lived with this behaviour fir decades, I’m well over 2 decades, slightly older than you and terrified of what comes next. I’ve been posting just under a year, i know it has to end, the merry-go-round is starting to speed up for me just now and it’s making me feel so sick again. Real ones do too😏
It’s good to hear you’ve been contacted and offered support elsewhere.. this is so alien to us, this happens to other people, not us. But as we all know on this firum that’s rubbish, it happens to anyone, rich, poor, lawyers, doctors, girls at school or college, anyone can be abused and not all abusers look abusive. They’re not all built like a brick s..t house, and drink to excess, that Stereotype is long gone but society still sees that as an abuser.
Have you read any books on the subject. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is one that’s recommended and is available to download as pdf for free. Living with the dominater by Pat Craven is another good one, she describes different types of abusers, to which your oh could have certain traits of some of them, or all mixed together. Or he might not have any of the written ones but that does not mean he is not an abuser. Read up on trauma bonding and FOG which stands for fear obligation and guilt. It’s not about being able to leave, it’s about what makes us stay and trauma bonding(Stockholm syndrome) is the main reason. It’s all to do with chemicals released in the brain, and being brainwashed really. It sounds crazy but this is our lives.
Look up the 5 stages of grief, we go through those same emotions when we acknowledge our relationships are ending or over. None of this was your fault, he chose to abuse you, even blaming you for his abuse(bad behaviour). Abuse is such an ugly word considering it’s only made up of 5 letters, the connotations of it are huge. Keep posting, it’s a long road to walk, I’m not sure we ever recover, I do know we’ll never be who we were before him, we’ll be a different version of her. Post any questions you have, no matter what’s worrying you, rant if you need to. This forum is a safe place and we get there are days when it’s all too much and you need to hide under a blanket. We understand the doubts that maybe I’ve misjudged him. Sometimes I feel because I’ve been looking fir a reason to explain his behaviour that I’ve imposed what I’ve read onto him,that’s he’s become what I’ve read about, that I’m doing him an injustice.I know that’s not true but to admit the man we fell in love with isn’t the charming loving brilliant lover we thought he was, that totally messes with you. Makes you question your judgement makes you blame yourself, when it’s nothing to do with us at all. That was just a mask he wore until he felt safe enough to be who he really is, a monster.
Take care, it’s truly exhausting, try and eat and keep hydrated. Why do they get to walk around as if everything’s great, yet we look like the proverbial bag lady. You’ll get stronger, everyone’s timeline is different, don’t rush it, it will only put you back a few steps if you push for too much too soon.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕
13th April 2019 at 10:15 am #75880
im not sure which area your in but someone to advocate would be an amazing idea – maybe CAB could assist you on getting advocacy? to be honest i badly needed an advocate when i was in the thick of things. were going through emotional turmoil, weve been abused, it takes someone with no feelings to conquer all of that alone. we are strong though weve survived so far we can keep going but dont be ashamed to reach out for support. its essential to get that and if you need to demand it.
i have a new colleague in the office and shes lovely, she has the perfect family life, so it seems. theyre all chatting away about there family,kids and i sit there in shame. i pretend im busy i cant join in because my storey is very different. so i get how your feeling that mortification. its not us that should carry that shame though its the perpetrator. i keep reminding myself off that – they win beacuse they want us to feel ashamed of ourselves, they enjoy seeing us suffer. its time to strive for what you need and i for one try to bury those feelings and keep telling myself im a good person – i actually didnt do anything wrong x*x love diymum xx
13th April 2019 at 10:22 am #75882
you might also be feeling triggered by your powerlessness by finding your not getting the right services that you need(like he has left you feeling also) getting through this part and getting what you need will make you see that you actually do have the power to change your situation. its going to take courage, determination, you basically dont have the option to give up. you will get to this point with the right help when you get it 🙂 x*x
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