Hello I’m new

[gaia]

Hi, I am new to this forum. My abusive (mentally/emotionally abusive) ex left in (detail removed by moderator) Hallelujah. But has used contact with our son to continue the abuse and abuses our son mentally and emotionally. I now have a son who lashes out at me every time he returns from contact, gets worked up and lashes out before contact. And he’s getting bigger so I’ll soon have a huge lad lashing out at me. Great… Am feeling utterly defeated today. Makes it hard to get on with trying to earn a living and provide for our son. Obvs ex makes no financial contribution. I struggle with motivation when my son is so unhappy and there is little I can do. Kind of want to hide under the duvet cover, but of course I can’t. When I talk to others about it they either don’t know what to say or they forcibly tell me what I should do, sometimes odd advice like make friends with my ex for our son’s sake. Lol. Obvs people who’ve not been in this situation. Thought people here might be able to understand and give me a virtual hand holding. .

[Bluebellwood]

Hi Gaia, I’m also new. This is my first post, I’ve found reading other messages really helpful, but I’m reaching out to talk because I just don’t feel like I’m coping well and I feel very alone. It made me smile when you said about hiding under duvet – because I’ve been doing just that. I have physically left my aggressive emotionally and verbally abusive husband (of (detail removed by moderator)) (detail removed by moderator) ago, but I can’t get him mentally out of my mind. I don’t sleep well, I’m on high alert all the time and his voice is still in my head. I’m doing all the sensible things – solicitor, support from domestic abuse charity, signing up for counselling, but I feel very alone and scared. I keep searching for answers why he did what he did and why I stayed as long as I did. My fear of him just won’t go away. So I wanted to give you a virtual hug and hope that you’re Ok.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

welcome to the site, firstly u r doing really well cause rememebr u escaped that f*****, so thats reason to smile everyday. NOt sure of your son age but beleive me with a lot of hard work andd tears we actually get through tot he kids too. This is really hard for the kids too as they have to still deal with him. Reach out fro all the support u can via multi agencies . MY kids were teenagers so i will try to relate about how i helped my children, first of all i gave them as much reassurance as i could, dont think that helped but long term it did, all part of process, u have to be consistent with the message u give your children, i used to tell them i love them loads and always here for them, my eldest used to think i was prob mad at the time but everytime in morning whilst he was sleep id still whisper in his ear i love u , this helps so much as message goes into their sub conscieous mind. I offered them both counselling which again they refused as they were blocking everything to cope, eventually when they were ready they didi take cousnelling ,again both boys found this unsettling but purseud for a while, eldest found more difficult but slowly opened up. I had schools involved , got mentors for them, to be hoenst my relationship had massive impact most on eldestr so all agencies were involved wweree for him manily, school gave him a male mentor to talk to and guide as a male role model, he really was a gem and my son got on so well with him and made my son see things froma clear prespective, i had a family support worker, my son hateed her and refused to talk to her, i had other agecnies involved as my son was getting into gangs.

I constantly told my son violence was not allowed in house, he still carried on and sadly had to get him arrested few times and removed from house, 2 years later ive made progress, he still can get violent but has had amssive changes, i gave the boys their own time to do whatever they wanted , even if that meant being on phone, watching tv, sitting alone or socialising with friends, allow him to invite friends around…

MY son communicated with me via music, which was a real ice breaker, told muuy son he could talk to me if he wNTEWD TO , No pressure. Alot of things he had to workout for himself, theu just need to know we are there.

MY son used to be in amd mood too after meeting his dad, we agreed he needed his space after he came back and i was not to disturb him , my son would stay in toilet for hours b4 meeting his dad, if he said no i m not coming out i would respect and if he didtn want to meet his dad i’d respect and let his dad rage from outside the house.

It is a lot of hard work, again not sure of age of kids but are they at a age where they can say no to contact. I totally get how hard it is, my ex really emotionally abused the children..

Sending u virtual; hug, sometimes we need to have a sleep day in duvet but at same time we ahve to be stronger for our kids and show them a way to cope and be the example ourselves. I didnt bad mouth his dad to him, i said we had our difference and if he wanted to see or not see his dad id respect his choice and said our issues the one me and his dad had, hedidtn need to g et involved and let adults deal, but as always ex always absue us and put us down

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