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I left my long term relationship early in the year. I tried to leave so many times but could never pluck the courage to actually go. I left because I knew the relationship was toxic, and that neither of us were happy. In our worst times we would go weeks or months without talking, at the longest we didn’t talk for almost a year. I felt my partner was irrationally moody and made it out that it was because I was messy, untidy or I was moody (etc.) and targeted my insecurities as a reason for his bad behaviour. My doctor gave me tablets for anxiety, I was searching within myself for the answers, which I could not find. I felt so lost, lonely and confused. I felt like I was going insane, I just couldn’t understand. In his worst, he lost (something) and after searching threw a chair across the room and then locked himself away, where he was talking through gritted teeth and swore at me to leave him alone. Then, I shouted at him that this behaviour wasn’t on, and I wasn’t standing for it. He was never affectionate towards me, only in the beginning. He never apologised to me, ever in our relationship. I could see other couples, that were so different to us, and that was a huge factor in me leaving.
Having left the relationship, I was solely blamed for everything. He never took responsibility for any of the wrongs, although he now accepts he was part of the issue. He told me he had been concealing the fact that he has suffered bipolar disorder and just decided to not tell me. Which of course, he blamed my guarded behaviour as the reason that he never told me. I’ve been in therapy since, and she tells me I have been emotionally abused, and gas-lighted. We talk about my ex-partner as having (removed by moderator) tendencies and that his bipolar may actually be a personality disorder. He has not actually had a formal diagnosis, only consulted a GP thus far.
I find this so hard to comprehend and I’m shocked to think I was in an abusive relationship. I hate the term abuse and can’t believe I let myself get into that situation. I feel like a fraud for calling my experience abuse because others have had such physically traumatising experiences. I feel like my family and friends will think I’m being dramatic, that they will dismiss it, and will not hear what I’m saying. This would hurt me so much, that I don’t want to tell them. I’m feeling very isolated and overwhelmed. I want to talk to others who have suffered, just reading posts on here is a support. I don’t know anyone that this has happened to, and can’t find any f2f support groups near me.
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Yes you were abused. I was abused physically and mentally and I can tell you I don’t think about the physical stuff but the mental abuse stays with me to this day. I’m receiving therapy and have been told I may need therapy for the rest of my life. Abusers are liars. Even if he did had bi polar disorder, that is no excuse for his abusive behaviour. You have done nothing wrong. You are the one in therapy and coming on here looking for answers. That in itself is a sure sign you e been abused. You did not allow yourself to get into an abusive relationship. Abusers are great actors. You say in the beginning he was affectionate. That’s how they hook us in with the honeymoon period, then slowly the abuse gets introduced. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and never ever excuse his behaviour behind a mental illness. Would he behave this way to other people, to strangers, or in public where there were witnesses? Does your therapist have experience with victims of domestic abuse. I don’t think it’s helpful to guess at his state of mental health as it distracts from the fact that he was abusing you. That’s a choice he made x
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Thank you KIP for your reply. So nice to be able to talk to someone openly.
It is the realisation as you say of actually accepting that I was in an abusive relationship.
My therapist is great and is experienced, I didn’t mention it much but I have friend who works in psychiatry who mentioned the terms. I find they give me some clarity, just to know that Im not imagining it all really. Sadly, they make me understand that he will likely never change.I looked at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, as I see some other posts recommending it. I will take it on you recommendation although I wasn’t sure if it would be especially helpful for my situation. What do you think?
Many thanks!
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Hi there Typing, it’s good to see you posting and have found this forum x
This definitely sounds like abuse to me and I notice how he often blames it right back on something you did, something you said, or what you are like as a person. Classic abusive behaviour.
Sometimes we search fro terms to “put on them” to make sense of it and I think sometimes also in the hopes of fixing it. Abusers will use these things as excuses, when really there is no excuse for abuse. An abuser is just that – an abuser. I think “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft might also be helpful for you to read, I know it was for me. I was very focused on trying to find out why he did what he did so that I could fix it.
Please don’t feel like a fraud, any abuse will leave scars be it on our bodies or on our hearts and minds. They hurt no matter the type of abuse. It’s terrifying opening up, often because we worry we won’t be believed, but those who love you and truly care for you will believe you that this was more than just a relationship gone south. If/when you feel ready to tell them, only time can tell, but you can always write your story on here and share with us. It helps getting it out there x -
Hello AlwaysSorry,
Thank you for your support. I feel such a relief and like a weight is shard by finding this forum.
I definitely felt like I hoped of ‘fixing it’,as you say above, but the more I understand the more I realise that we cannot his behaviour and cannot get back together. I will only be just as unhappy, and that he will never change towards me. I did see a diagnosis as some sort of excuse, but am educating my self on abuse. Its hard to read, its heard to feel but I know I will be stronger in the end. I just miss my companion. I have easily forgotten the misery, and the softness lingers.
Completely unrelated to education on abuse, I have loved reading salt by nayyirah waheed and heard talk by Cloe Wade.
Thank you
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hi im new,like you i put up with my husband because i felt like there was something not right with him mentally, i was and atill am afraid to leave him because i feel responsible for him. he made me feel this way but i feel if he leaves he will not be able to survive. i havebeen a prisoner for several life sentences, am allowed no freedom at all. now he is an old man and in poor health, but grumpier and threatening me more than ever. i now know he has a personality disorder but am angry at myself for not leaving when i had the chance, not only for myself but now i see how my kids have all been so mentally scarred by watching it all. it is the mental torture that does the damage, he used to beat me up when we were young now it is threats but i know i’m stronger than him if he ever carried them out. without doubt gaslighting is the main thing but i will have a life someday. you were so right to get out. keep strong. my favourite book is walking on eggshells it opened my eyes and explained somuch. love to all abused,be strong. gran
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Dear Typing and gran,
Thank you for your post Typing, and to those who have replied. Experiencing domestic abuse can be incredibly confusing, which is part of the abuse itself. It is completely natural to try to understand the ‘reasons’ behind abusive behaviour and unfortunately many women are made to feel responsible. KIP has already mentioned about the risks of linking abuse with mental health, and I felt I wanted to contribute our stance on the issue.
Women’s Aid believes that domestic abuse is a gendered crime and is about power and control.
A lot of women believe that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, their partner might have bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), n**********c personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality).
While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not cause abuse. If the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers.Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. There are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners.
If your partner has a mental illness and is abusive towards you, it’s important to keep in mind that the mental illness and the abusive behaviours need to be handled separately by the abusive partner.
It is the abusive partner’s responsibility to seek out support and create their own plan for managing their mental illness and be accountable for their abusive behaviour. If your partner/ex is not owning up to their actions, is not admitting to how much they’re hurting you, and is not seeking out professional help then that’s a sign that your partner isn’t willing to change. If that’s the case, then the abuse in the relationship tends to continue and escalate over time.Even if your partner/ ex partner does have a mental illness, there is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner.
Typing- it is positive that you are separated and that you are learning more, I wish you all the strength in your recovery. If you want to call the Helpline they can have a look for local support for you.
Gran- you are incredibly strong for coping with what you have for so long. We understand that leaving is very complicated and scary. But it is still possible for you, and perhaps some good support could help you towards freedom from his abuse. Please consider calling the Helpline on 0808 2000 247 when you can, for a confidential chat. They won’t pressure you into anything, but can talk through your options and your concerns.
Kind Regards and Keep Posting,
Lisa
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thank you lisa, i did phone the helpline recently, a piece of their advice was that if i felt unable to leave yet that it was ok to just take back a bit of my own power, i decided to get a secret email address and now am in contact with a relation who isso supportive and helps me feel cut off. i have also come unto this site, therefor i’m communicating with others for the 1st time, something i’m not allowed to do. it is changing my life. gran
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Hi gran
How good of you to take a bit of your power back, this is exactly how you do it, step by step, I am so pleased you had the good idea to open a new email account and also joining us here. Tell us how you are doing when you wish, writing it down can help realise how much power you actually do hold in your hands. And one realisation leads to another. Until one day you are free. But for now enjoy writing and connecting with others, that alone already gives you a powerful voice 😌
Sending you hugs 💞🌸 -
Just wanted to come and acknowledge the bravery and strength of another two women who have started to speak out about their abusive partners behaviour and its awful effects on them.
It’s definitely a turning point for you both!
Really good to hear. Keep going, bit by bit reclaiming your own head space, feeling the strength you have inside, and knowing its always all about him…you know this already.
Do keep posting, we’re all here for you.
Warm welcome to you both, and gran, we’ll all be ready to support when you feel ready to perhaps create your own thread at some point?
Warmest wishes to you both brave women
TS
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