Hello, I'm new here and trying to deal with his anger

[gettingtired]

Hello there, I’m new here and have only really really just started to come to terms with the emotional abuse and manipulation I have been subjected to by my boyfriend.
I don’t want to seem stupid but I’m wondering what the best way to deal with his angry outbursts are. Depending on what mood I’m in I’ll either be angry/sharp back, silent and on edge, understanding and try to talk.. but obviously I’m sure everyone here already knows that nothing really works. I know I’ve basically answered my own question by admitting that but I’m still wondering if there really is a general ‘right’ way to deal with it? As in setting boundaries and showing him I won’t accept that behaviour anymore.
The behaviour I’m talking about can be if something sets him off. For example and to put it simply so the story doesn’t get blocked on here for revealing too much.. he needs to get in touch a man who is always difficult to get hold of. He has lost the plot about it before raising his voice aggressively, swearing, saying he’s going to keep calling this guy so he cant use his phone, call the man out on social media, slam doors, stomp around, talk about harming himself etc. This most recent time I was left feeling really anxious, on edge and generally upset.
I’ve just started reading the Lundy book Why does he do that?
I’m sure I sound very naive asking for advice for something that I probably can’t change but I’m really just feeling a bit lost with it all at the moment.
Thanks x

[Optimystic]

I’m new on here too and what you’ve described sounds exactly like me. I’m so sorry 😔. I feel that by being angry and sharp back means that I’m just as bad as him. But other times I’m quiet, usually because my son gives me the “don’t say anything, you’ll make it worse” look. He’s just young. I learned from here to read the cycle of abuse. Have you? I’ll maybe not say what I think til you have a look so as not to add in bias. But it really gave me some clarity x

[gettingtired]

Hi Optimystic, thanks so much for replying. I’m so sorry you and your son have to go through the same thing. It puts you in a really horrible anxious mode doesn’t it.
Yes you’re right, it does make you feel just as bad/crazy as him. It really depends on what kind of mood I’m in as to how I react but this last episode I felt a bit ‘rabbit in the headlights’ frozen in fear which got me down.
Is the cycle of abuse a book? Or just the concept in general. I had a brief look online and am reading Why does he do that? which so far I’m finding helpful but really quite depressing! x

[KIP.]

There is no way you can deal with His angry outbursts because he doesn’t want you to. He enjoys these outbursts, he enjoys the distress he causes you and the fear he puts you in. There is no right answer, he will simply change the goal posts and carry on the abuse. Don’t waste your energy on him. Abuse always gets worse. Set your boundaries and he will breach them. And when he breaches them he will say it’s your fault for setting boundaries. You simply cannot win so work on yourself and your own self esteem and self confidence and ask why you stay with a cruel man who abuses you. Talk to your local women’s aid and educate yourself on abusers. Read Living with the Dominator x he won’t ever change because he enjoys his behaviour and he gets what he wants from it x

[gettingtired]

Hi KIP, thanks so much for replying. I’m really struggling to come to terms with the whole concept of him enjoying this though. I’m sure I sound very naive!! But that would surely make him cruel in nature which he isn’t. I’ve come to realise that he has been emotionally abused and manipulated by his Mother and still is which makes me feel really sorry for him as I don’t think he realises how badly she treats him/makes him feel. I think what I’m trying to say is I’m struggling to understand why he who loves me would enjoy making me scared and on edge. Especially whenever I’ve cried in the past (be it over him or something completely unrelated) he has always been so sympathetic and said it hurts him to see me so upset. Again, I know I’m probably sounding a bit pathetic here but I genuinely believe he feels guilt and is easily manipulated himself. Sorry if I’m not making sense! I’m reading Why does he do that? at the moment and again it’s making me feel like he isn’t quite as bad as the monster men that are spoken about in the book. Am I in total denial? 🤯 x

[Optimystic]

Hi gettingtired, yeah I just googled cycle of abuse and I’ve managed to find snippets of the book you are reading. But, I totally relate to what you’ve said about not understanding how they do what they do because they enjoy it! It’s so hard to get my head around that. I think of him as mean, uncaring, angry, out of control rather than in control, manipulative and very selfish! But an abuser who deliberately abuses? This might take time and I’m educating myself on here and getting the best advice. Also, we’re on here! I was pointed to this forum. Other people say it’s sbuse and I feel abused. It’s confusing isn’t it? Hope you’re having a better day today 🙂 x

[gettingtired]

Hi again Optimystic, it certainly is confusing. What I struggle with is ghe flying highs and crashing lows. And the problem is when things are good they’re great! Then I start thinking it’s partly me and that I’m toxic/manipulative in some ways. Sometimes I think he might be bipolar.. it’s all just so much thinking! Would recommend reading the entire book if you can. I’ve ordered the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans too. You’re right, im glad I’ve found the forum but it can also be a lot to take at times. There’s a bit of comfort knowing I’m not the only one out there though. Hope you’re doing ok today 🙂 x

[KIP.]

Try writing down all the abuse right from the beginning and they way it made/makes you feel. Abuse is insidious and becomes normal to us. Imagine a best friend telling you this is happening to her, what would you think? Being frozen with fear by your most intimate partner is shocking and absolutely not acceptable. That fear messes with your head. There is a FOG of abuse we get stuck in. Fear Obligation and Guilt. Just because he may have experienced emotional abuse doesn’t mean it’s okay to abuse you. There is never an excuse for domestic abuse. And I bet his abuse happens in private because he knows it’s illegal and immoral and unacceptable. So he’s in control of his abuse and knows exactly when to do it. Google cognitive dissonance. Our brain doesn’t want to accept that the person we love is deliberately hurting us. My ex could be the most loving supportive partner but that was a mask he wore to keep me hooked into the dysfunctional relationship. It didn’t last long and the cycle of abuse would go round and round. Google the cycle of abuse and the power and control wheel. It’s beyond devastating to admit that the person we love and thought loved us, is actually abusing us. But they are. He doesn’t love you, love doesn’t hurt us. He loves the control he has over you and the way it Makes him feel, especially when he sees you in distress and to do this he has to make himself look like your soul mate and mould himself to what you want, that way you’re constantly changing and jumping through hoops trying to find that lovely man again. Thinking it’s your fault because no one would treat you that badly unless you’d done something wrong. But it’s not you, never was you, never will be you.

[gettingtired]

Hi KIP, you’re right it does become normal to us. I think I was so naive at the start (my first and only relationship I’ve ever been in) and just over a decade later I’m starting to come to terms with it all. I think I’ve been in the ‘love conquers all’ mode for so long; that we are soul mates or that the good outweighs the bad and I can cope with the bad. I thought and still probably believe he loves me but doesn’t always respect me. It’s all rather confusing as he isn’t the monster that the books often describe (although I know they aren’t all the classic wife b****r types).
It hasn’t helped that during summer I met someone through work (he’s gone back to uni now) who is so lovely and I felt we had a real connection (he’s also in a relationship and nothing ever happened or was said but I knew we liked one another) so that probably messed with my thoughts even more/made me feel guilty!
I like your idea of writing it all down and how it made me feel. I have to start somewhere although as pathetic as I feel I don’t know if I will ever leave him because of my messed up mind I suppose. Thank you for your advice, I’m very glad I found the forum to help me feel sane on bad days xx

[KIP.]

I think you will eventually leave because you deserve more and you’re already seeing what’s happening. It will take time but that ‘messed up mind’ is because of him and his brainwashing and you can un mess your mind with the help of women’s aid and knowledge. Living with the Dominator book helps. It’s not pathetic and abuse always gets worse, he won’t change and he’s not your responsibility.

[gettingtired]

Thanks KIP, I’m in my late (removed by moderator) so the thought of the clock ticking for children worries me a bit. I’m not even sure if I’d want them but the idea of having them with him sadly does not fill me with any confidence because of his actions/behaviour. But then I worry that if we were to separate I’d then have to go through all the pain and stress of the break up then have to wait until I meet someone else and the years go by. During which time I could have missed the boat. I know I need to stop letting things that haven’t happened yet stress me out.
I’m going to order Living with the denominator next. I hope I can be as strong as you one day x

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