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Hello everyone,
I’ve been lurking over the past few weeks, trying to figure out if my husband is emotionally abusive. We both have moods and can sulk but I feel his go on longer or he is more aggressive when I’m a bit sulky which pushes me to react and then I feel awful so am the one to apologise.
He has had awful explosions of anger to one of our boys which you would think would make it easy to leave but our children adore their dad and have even said they don’t want him to go away.
I feel sad, lonely, guilty but can’t quite comprehend that he does this on purpose- is it not possible we are just rubbish at arguing and communicating?
Whoops! A bit longer than planned, hope you are all ok today
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Hi KitKat,
I just wanted to show you some support with this as it does sounds abusive. Perpetrators of abuse have a way of making you feel like you have to apologise all the time, even when logically you know you’ve not done anything to warrant that abusive response from them. You end up apologising to try and keep the peace and because you know that if you don’t the arguments seem to drag on for a long time.
Try to keep in mind that with your children you are their mum; you know what’s best for them. There could be so many reasons why they are saying they don’t want him to leave; they could be scared of the repercussions of saying they want him to leave, they may worry that it would upset you if he left, they could be siding with the more aggressive parent if they see him as being ‘in control’; literally so many reasons.
Maybe you could try writing things down; what he’s doing and saying to make you feel like this. Then you could read back over them when you are calmer to try and make sense of everything.
Please do keep reaching out for help with this. It might be worth speaking to a Women’s Aid worker in a bit more detail? Here’s the link for the live chat: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Take care,
Lisa
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Yes it does sound like a commuication problem, in that you’ve given up trying to communicate, feel stuck as to what else you can say – because he’s not hearing you. For me I started to communicate in a similar way to him as I didnt know how else to communicate with him – out of being at a loss and desperation. Its only on reflection that I can see that what I was saying was loud and clear, only he chose to carry on regardless – after a while I withdrew and began to doubt myself.
If its not ok for you and you have given him the opportunity to be mindful of this and respond – and he doesnt – then he’s choosing to ignore you and not respond isnt he – do what he likes regardless of what you think and feel.
Of course your children love him unconditionally so will always forgive his temper – they will also learn that this is how you talk to and treat women – dad does it so it’s no biggie and ok sometimes x
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