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    • #56801
      BakingQueen
      Participant

      Hello, first of all I want to thank you for taking the time to read this, it’s gonna be a long one.

      I was with my ex for a very long time and we have a child together. Looking back on the relationship I realise that his emotional, financial and then physical abuse was a pattern of behaviours that I didn’t notice until the end. I often wondered why I felt I couldn’t be honest with him and I would say to myself it’s because I don’t want to upset him but now I see I should have been able to be myself and express myself and if I was too uncomfortable to do so then alarm bells should have rung. Hindsight is a fine thing. They start out so nice don’t they and it hurts to know that the person I though he was is a lie and never him. It was never real love. So much time I spent with him and it was fake.

      I wasn’t ready for a child either but I’ve done the best job I can and although I felt like a rubbish mum sometimes, being out of that relationship and that negative environment has helped me to view myself in a different light. I know I made the right choice to leave for myself and my child. My ex has also neglected our child on a few occasions (sadly have no proof of everything – a few photos here and there but I don’t know if they count).

      We don’t have anything formal in place regarding contact with him and our child. I’ve tried to get a parenting plan in place and even mediation but he’s refused to do any of these things. He has been turning up late to get our child or not turning up at all (I’ve kept a diary since I left) it started out all amicable and then he’d just pop up hours late and not even explain why. I know this is a control mechanism for him as I’ve got to sit and wait for him to turn up.

      I’m tired of being controlled my him. I sought therapy when I left, worked on myself and finally felt free but now I am right back in his clutches again. I’ve booked a holiday and I need his consent to fly with our child. It needs to be notarised and he isn’t playing ball. Going to court is so expensive and I don’t qualify for legal aid. I’m at a point now where I am obsessing over this situation. I’m constantly googling research, struggling to sleep, every second of my day spent thinking about him whereas before this he was slowly slipping from my mind and I’d even think “wow haven’t thought about him today”. I am right back to the beginning. I’m so upset that I had a child with him and that only when my child is an adult will I be free. I felt I was making such good progress of healing and moving on and I’m right back to thosenegative feelings again.

      And then in those years he could manipulate them, turn my child against me. Wouldn’t put it past him. I’ve read so many stories on here. As he loses more control he could take it out on my child Who knows? My child doesn’t deserve that. My ex too sick to see how selfish he is and what impact that would have on our child.

      I’ve done nothing but play by the book. I know I can’t withold visitation even though he doesn’t pay a penny in maintenance. And I don’t want to stop contact and look like the bad guy I.e. Force him to take me to court to get access. I imagine that would go against me. I just don’t know. I’ve tried seeking legal advice but no one is really answering my questions and I just want to know what is best to do given the dynamic of the relationship and the circumstances. Once I know all the options I can make choice.

      Until this is resolved I don’t think I’ll be able to get these thoughts out my head. To know that I need his consent to fly (until child arrangement order) and I’d also like to double barrel his name and of course he won’t consent to that either because he will never want to do what I want (regardless of of it works for our child)

      From your experiences, have you found something legal in place is the only thing that’s worked? Have you been able to have informal arrangements? Was court the only option? How have you dealt with your ex and children in these circumstances? Was healing a process of ups and downs never a straight Road?

      Thank you for sharing and thank you for taking the time to read this.

      BakingQueen.

    • #56806
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi BakingQueen,

      Welcome to the forum, I’m sure you will find it a very supportive place. Yes these men are absolutely lovely when you first meet them, I am still struggling with that, remembering how wonderful he seemed, and completely normal too, just a regular man who happened to like me and wanted to date, that’s what I thought. I had absolutely no idea of the darkness hidden within him and for the nightmare that was to unfold.

      I don’t have children but I think people generally say doing everything legally through a third party works best to reduce that control they have, they tend to take advantage of informal arrangements as you have found. It’s all about control for them. Definitely healing is not linear, it is a frightening rollercoaster of highs and lows and plateaus and just when you think you’re through it you go down again, that is what I have found. Someone said to me it is like grief, which makes a lot of sense.

      You might be suffering from PTSD, so seek out therapy for this if you can. Also ring the helpline and your local domestic abuse services for further help, I found them invaluable.

      • #56819
        BakingQueen
        Participant

        Thanks so much for your response.

        I’ve been reading through the forum for a couple days now and it’s alarming how many woman have experienced all kinds of abuse from these men. It really brings home the scale of the problem. But also helps with learning from all the things people have gone through that they shared

        I’ve called the line a few times and the people o have spoken to have been lovely. I did have therapy right after we broke up but I think it would be useful for me to return for some more sessions. The lady said I could come back as many times as I needed.

        It’s hard to admit that this happened to me and it’s becoming more and more real as I see my child being used to control me. But I am determined to move on from this, to grow stronger. The mood comes and goes but right now I am ready to give this everything I have. I don’t want to be controlled anymore. I want my life back.

        Thank you for sharing your advice with me.

    • #56821
      Anabela
      Participant

      Hello. My reply will not be useful as I donthave kids with my ex but i just wanted to say welcome to the forum. I am glad to read that you are out of that relationship. That’s the best thing for a child and yourself even if you are still affected by your ex.
      I so relate to what you posted. As I also questioned myself why I could not be honest with him etc. It seems they are all the same.
      Hugs to you x

    • #56824
      WeAreStardust
      Participant

      Hello BakingQueen
      I am going through a very similar thing with regards to child contact etc. We currently have an informal agreement and even went to mediation but that’s not adhered to. And the thing about his consent to go abroad with my child is also an issue for me and a weapon he can use against me “if I cause trouble”. It matters so much for me as mine and half of my daughter’s family lives abroad and she’s of dual nationality. The only way for you not to ‘depend ‘ on his consent is to obtain a child arrangements order from a judge where you are the main resident parent and you agree on contact and visitation. Once you obtain that you can take your child for up to 28 days abroad without the father’s consent or anyone else with parental responsibility. (Detail removed by moderator).
      I hope this helps and best of wishes. And stay positive!! Things will get better

      • #56831
        BakingQueen
        Participant

        Thank you for sharing. It’s nice to know I’m not alone (granted it would be nice to never be in this situation in the first place). I’ve been doing my research and I do feel the legal route is the only way (and even then I have my doubts be would even stick to that). I know everything is going to get so expensive with all the legal fees that come with it but for my own peace of mind it’s the only way. Good luck with pursuing your child arrangement. I hope it all goes well.

    • #56856
      WeAreStardust
      Participant

      Have you checked if you are eligible for legal aid? You are entitled to legal aid if you are a victim of domestic abuse and your income is low.

      Good luck with it all!!!

      • #56899
        BakingQueen
        Participant

        Wearestardust sadly I don’t qualify for legal aid. I’ve been told that many times. So this is gonna cost. But I can’t put a price on peace of mind for myself and removing the control he has.

        Surviving, I had a similar situation where he was stopping me from getting into our flat to see my child and on many occasions brought him back late and each time the police said they can only do a welfare check but not bring him back. It’s so unbelievably frustrating. I feel let down by the law to be honest as they abuser can continue to get away with this to the detriment of the child purely because “they don’t want to get involved in domestic issues”. Good luck wish everything.

    • #56858
      Surviving
      Participant

      Hi. I didn’t have anything in place with my ex. Then (Detail removed by moderator) after I moved out the ex and his new girlfriend turned up to collect my older child for the weekend but instead ran off with my little one. I tryed to chase them but he put her in car and drove off. The police told me as we had nothing in place there was nothing I could do. Luckily he bought her back that evening and said see you next week. I put the child indoors and told him there is no way he will be collecting her again. (Detail removed by moderator)

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