20th June 2020 at 9:20 pm #106984
Hi everyone. I’m new. I’ve been reading lots of really helpful stuff over the last few weeks and have finally plucked up the courage to post after another horrendous day. I think I’ve reached my point of no return. Just need someone to talk to about it to help me take the action I need to take as I have absolutely no one to talk to. I’m living with a nasty bully who takes every opportunity to call me vile names, accuse me of all sorts and threaten me with violence if he perceives I’ve done something, usually something to do with cheating. I’ve had years and years of persecution about me cheating (I’ve never done a thing!) and the abuse has really ramped up over the last few months. I lost my mum to (detail removed by Moderator) around this time and his behaviour has been despicable at a time I needed support. I’ve also just found out (detail removed by Moderator) that he’s been texting another woman for about (detail removed by Moderator) (does this have anything to do with the ramp up of abuse?) and when I confronted him about it, he threatened me and threw me out of the house and wouldn’t let me back in. I had nowhere to go – my family live very faraway, hotels are closed and I’ve no friends as he always hates them – so I called Refuge services who advised me to call the police. I thought and thought about but couldn’t dial the number. I didn’t want to do put my son through the police arriving and possibly arresting him and on the other hand I was frightened that if they came and didn’t take any action, he’d think he was free to do whatever he likes. He finally let me in when I threatened to call the police but this is my lightbulb moment. I can’t go on with this. I need to get a plan and make this move.
Sorry for long post but feels good just to write it down.
20th June 2020 at 9:37 pm #106986Wants To HelpParticipant
So glad you have joined us on here, so let’s see what we can do to get you away from this evil man and get you and your son to safety.
The good thing is that you want to leave. That’s the important thing. Once that desire is there to get out of the relationship then it’s easier to form a plan.
So, firstly, is your son young enough to be accepted in to a refuge if you chose to go there? Some refuges don’t take boys over a certain age (I think it’s 14) so you need to establish that first.
You can go to a refuge without involving the Police, so I’m surprised they didn’t support you a little better. I do understand why they would advise you to call the Police, but you do have a choice whether you want to involve them or not, so to tell you to call them and leave it at that surprises me. It left you vulnerable and back at his mercy.
There is a thread on here about Coercive and Controlling Behaviour and how the Police can help, so if you haven’t read it already have a look for it and have a read to see if this is an option you would consider if it means he would have to leave the address instead of you and your son. It will be somewhere around page 2-4 on the Topics list.
Are you or your son at risk of imminent physical harm if you do try and leave? Would he physically prevent you from leaving him if he knew that is what you were planning to do? This would make your exit plan a little more risky.
20th June 2020 at 9:46 pm #106989KIP.Participant
Hello and welcome. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Abusers very often get worse when they perceive us as vulnerable so the death of your mother could well have affected that. Abusers are also cheaters and liars. Whatever he accuses you of, you can bet he’s doing it. Please don’t be scared to involve the police. They have access to more help for you. They could possibly remove him from the home for a while to give you space to work out your next move. Contact your local women’s aid as they can help with accommodation and help you with a safe exit plan. Your child has to know that abuse won’t be tolerated and that includes their father. Keep reaching out for help. Log the abuse with your GP. This is good evidence for future should you need it. Abuse always gets worse.
20th June 2020 at 9:54 pm #106991Soulsearcher18Participant
Just wanted to welcome you.
I agree with everything WantToHelp said.
You are there already Lifebegins, you’ve already contacted refuge services and had that initial conversation. You’ve found us here and connected. This is going to happen for you, keep trying until you get there.
Sometimes it does take a bit of ringing around and few attempts with calls for refuge and accessing domestic abuse suport, keep trying.
There is a webchat facility on this site during weekdays and you can also e-mail them directly (you can put more specifics in an email that what you can on forum)
The following link also takes you to a page where you can search for local services. i actually contacted services in a neighbouring county as didn’t want to access support in my local area and I was accepted so this may be worth bearing in mind.
Just remember that if you are in danger, or feel at risk to call the police.
Let us know how you are getting on when you get chance.
20th June 2020 at 11:01 pm #107002
He (detail removed by Moderator) got up from bed gave me a load of abuse and spat in my face. I’ll have to respond to you all later. Thank you for your advice so far. And yes I was disappointed with whatever service I called. I got the number from the council website. I checked my call duration and I was only talking to them for one minute. I really wish I hadn’t had to come back. It is so awful.
21st June 2020 at 3:58 pm #107083
Hello Life begins and welcome to this site, from me too. I hope your ok? I read your post and see that your in a very bad situation. A lot of good women ahead of me here gave good support and advice I see. And I hope for you that, If, and when your able? you can come back on here for support if you haven’t already found it? And if you have! It’s clear your in need. We are here for you💞 P.s. don’t hesitate to call police if your fearing for your safety. Stay safe💕
21st June 2020 at 6:07 pm #107104
💐 so sorry for the loss of your mum through (detail removed by Moderator). How terrible for you💞
20th June 2020 at 11:12 pm #107009Wants To HelpParticipant
That’s an assault Lifebegins, it’s a physical assault. Seriously, you can call the Police and they will arrest him, they will take him away tonight.
21st June 2020 at 3:54 pm #107080SleepyParticipant
Can’t type much Right now but thinking of you and hope you have courage to call the police.
21st June 2020 at 4:08 pm #107084
I’m thinking of you and agree, there’s some really good advice here already. I just wanted to send you big strength. A good first step is talk with a female GP if you have one? Ask her for a referral to domestic abuse service. Tell her everything you have said here. Especially the physical stuff. She should be able to fast track you. You can self refer too. Second call 101 and ask to speak to an officer who deals with domestic abuse officer? If they don’t just tell them what you have said above and say you want to speak to someone about what avenues are open to you.
Basically, you have two (1) a criminal route – trying to get an arrest and conviction for coercive and controlling behaviour as Wants To Help has said above. (Ill bump the post for you). They can also do a DVPO to remove him from the home for 21 or 28 days can’t remember the time exactly. Would be immediate.
(2) the family court route. An Occupation Order to remain in the home, he goes, based on domestic abuse and probably a Non-Molestation Order to stop him harassing you. Google both to understand them better. There’s probably a post here too I’ll see if I can find it.
An occupation order is issued by the family court under Part IV Family Law Act 1996 and sets out who has the right to stay at the family home, who can return and who should be excluded. An order does not change the financial ownership of a property.
Stand firm, be strong. It will be ok. xx
21st June 2020 at 4:21 pm #107086
Google NCDV (National Centre for Domestic Violence) or DVAssist, both offer support for emergency orders. Or find a solicitor you could speak to, most do a free half hour. The things they’ll ask are who owns the house, mortgage, that sort of thing, it doesn’t matter if you don’t, just part of the process.x
21st June 2020 at 8:15 pm #107121
Hi All, thanks for the great support and advice.
Barely slept last night and did so fully dressed just in case. What a way to live! Got up this morning and straight back into it. Minimising his awful abusive cheating behaviour because he (detail removed by Moderator). So that’s ok then. I, on the other hand, don’t own my behaviour i.e. I should admit all the things he accuses me of even though I haven’t done anything. It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic. I have reams of texts of all sorts of vile name calling but the terrible thing is I’m sort of desensitised to it. God knows the effect it’s having on our son.
So I decided enough is enough. When he was out I got some stuff together in a big handbag so not noticeable going out the door with it. Logged on at work and got evidence that I’m a key worker so I could book a hotel. He only realised I was going last minute and then he tried to say let’s talk and sort this. God knows how many times I’ve done that. And then when I wouldn’t play ball he said (detail removed by Moderator) but I had the front door open and my son and I left quickly. He said after it was a joke.
I know it’s still lockdown but I had no choice but to drop my son at my mother in law for a couple of days as I can’t take him to the hotel and it also gives me some breathing space to do whatever I need to do next. She’s been really good and said her ex-husband (his dad) was the same and he always swore he wouldn’t be like his dad. She’s worried as he’s her son and he does have mental health issues but that doesn’t excuse what he’s done. In a mind boggling way I am worried a bit too in case he does himself some harm. But I need to focus on my son and myself.
So I’m now sitting drinking tea and eating a twix in the hotel and feeling the calmest I’ve felt in a long time. I know I’ve got to get cracking tomorrow but it’s good to enjoy the peace for a minute.
Feeling a bit scared and overwhelmed with all that’s ahead but know I need to be resolute and keep strong. I read on this forum a few weeks ago that you need to think do you want to be here again next week or next month or next year (or something like that) and it really stayed with me. Because I just don’t want to do this anymore.
A big thanks to all who post on this forum. People might just be reading and gathering info and maybe not posting but it’s been such a source of good info and comfort to me over the last couple of months, you just can’t know.
I’m really tired now but will have a 101 questions tomorrow when I have a clear head and a lot things I need to do so hope I can continue to rely on your amazing support. His parting gift was (detail removed by Moderator). And that was him being nice!
21st June 2020 at 8:19 pm #107122
I forgot to add that it was only when I read your responses to my post that I realised this was serious abuse. I don’t know how I’ve been blind for so long. Thank you again.
21st June 2020 at 9:56 pm #107148
Lifebegins🙂Your so very welcome to the support! Well done! For having the courage and strength to find yourself some safe space now and your son too. You enjoy the hotel, peace and quiet. Tomorrow is another day, so rest now! We will be here for you for as long as you need! Lots of love💞
22nd June 2020 at 7:53 am #107184
Thanks Hazydayz. Well the euphoria lasted a couple of hours then the panic and shock set in. Hardly slept at all. It sounds ridiculous but after years of abuse it’s the cheating that has sent me reeling. He said the texting and calls are innocent but my gut says otherwise. His mobile phone is in my name (just like all the bills) and I can see from the bills that I get monthly but I’ve never check until now that the week of my mother’s funeral he called her first thing in the morning when he got to work and at other times, was texting her during his work breaks before he called me and in the evening when he was going to bed early (as he was sooooo tired). he even text her (detail removed by Moderator) times on one day and was texting her on the day of my mother’s funeral. I feel sick. There is no way this can be innocent is there? Meanwhile I’ve been threatened, physically thrown out of my house and assaulted when I confronted him about it and now me and my son are out on our ear whilst he’s all cosy at home. I feel so awful. I need to pull myself together!
22nd June 2020 at 9:05 am #107191
🙂 Morning Lifebegins. Yes, you have spent the hours absorbing what’s really happened! Haven’t you? What happened to you and your son over the years that you tried to muddle on through, whilst in it! That’s what happens to most of us, confused, and in disbelief, fear? we try to push it away and just find a way to cope. For a quiet life? Today is going to feel difficult and many days to come also, I won’t pretend otherwise! This is why so many women cave in and go back? That and the practicalities or unresolved and difficult to handle feelings that remain for sometime? Can be our undoing. I hope today can be less difficult for you and the start of the first day of your new happier life! It’s going to be difficult I know, but I hope someone here will come along with better experience to offer than I can and get you off the starting block with where to stay? Who to talk to? About all yours and your son’s immediate needs! I guess you will have some calls to make! So try eat your free hotel breakfast, gather your strength, and set to making a start if your able? You will feel exhausted, I’m sure by now? Do what you can? And look after you, rest, eat,sleep! As I said before, tomorrow is another day! Very best wishes to you Lifebegins, my heart goes out to you💕 And I’m hoping that your ducks will all be in a row as they say here, very very soon! Please stay in touch, Take care, be safe💞
22nd June 2020 at 9:15 am #107192
P.s. the cheating is done! Another pain to cope with on top of the worst pain of all, losing your mum! It’s hardly anytime at all since and maybe that should be your first phone call? CRUISE bereavement support. I know it helps, I lost my mum to sudden death and you will be going through different levels of emotions that you won’t maybe have realised yet? Due to everything else! You feel destroyed, hurt and betrayed, I realise! Make that call, for yourself! Good luck my lovelie💓
22nd June 2020 at 11:34 am #107205
Thank you Hazydayz. I can’t tell you how helpful it is to be able to get all this out. He just rang me demanding to know where I’d stayed last night. I said a hotel and he went ballistic. Said I’d better be out of the house by time he got home or he’d kill me. I normally work from home so I think he thought I was there. I said I’m going to call the police and he changed his tune saying he won’t touch me. Then he starts twisting how everything is my fault and I won’t acknowledge my behaviour. I tried to reason with him for the good of our son to be reasonable but he just swore at me. He said on our son’s life that he won’t touch me but there’s no way I’m going back in that house with him. My head is swimming. I know I need to make the call and report him so why can’t I do it? I need some breathing space as I can’t think straight.
22nd June 2020 at 12:21 pm #107208
🙂😯😐hi again Lifebegins. Your very welcome to the advice and support. I am not surprised he contacted you, that’s what they do! I am very concerned about what he said! And you do need to call the police you really do my lovelie. You have had your life threatened! Stay where you are, don’t tell him either. Stay safe! I don’t know if you have equally shared rights to the home? I know you say your not going back! But I am still thinking call the police! You are in such a difficult situation right now, I understand! Your work, from home? Where you will live? Being safe with your son! Speak to the police, you have no option, I believe! Sorry my lovelie, I’m not trying to make things more difficult for you, they are as difficult as they could be already! I know it’s so confusing, what to do now! Next! The police will assist, take pressure off you! Hopefully!? Call for advice, help, before he gets home! They will act to protect you if your life has been threatened! They will! That’s partly why you left to go to a hotel, isn’t it after all. It would maybe have got to that! You think? He sounds like he wants you out! Maybe? To suit his plans? You and your son have a right to that home dont you!? Please call for help, time is running along! what will happen if you leave things? Nothing will get sorted! You could Possibly lose your job? Your income! Your hotel room! If you do nothing because you can’t think straight now, when you must! You could be home safe! later with your son and him out today! If police Act? Your safe where you are right now, stay safe, untill they sort things for you. A new beginning without all this confusion! Call…what have you got to lose? Good luck lovelie 💞
22nd June 2020 at 3:09 pm #107229
Thanks Hazydayz. I’ve started a new topic about what happens when you contact the police. Not sure if that’s the right thing to do on here. Across the road from police station now but scared to go in ☹️
22nd June 2020 at 3:15 pm #107230
There’s a post I’ll try and bump it. Hang on. Xx
22nd June 2020 at 3:49 pm #107237
Thanks I saw it. It’s really informative. I guess I’m thinking is there any route that works that doesn’t involve the police? Saw a solicitor back in February (one of many previous incidents this year) and she wasn’t hopeful of getting an occupation order. I don’t know why I feel like I’m doing something wrong for dobbing him in.
22nd June 2020 at 3:50 pm #107238
And I’m worried he might do something stupid like suicide.
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