12th December 2020 at 6:58 pm #117659TheAnonymousWomanParticipant
I am new to the forum after stumbling across a link on a page dedicated to identifying emotional abuse.
I just wondered if anyone else who has suffered emotional feels a bit silly signing up and posting here? It’s like because nothing physical happened to me, it’s difficult for my head to comprehend that the emotional abuse actually happened. I mean, I could write a whole list of things that happened to me, what was said and how I was made to feel. Heck, I even suspect my ex-partner is a n********t but because there is nothing physical to show, it’s like I expect someone to call me out and go, “Ha! It’s all in your head. It’s not that at all!”
It drives me half mad sometimes, trying to work it out. Please tell me I’m not the only one?
12th December 2020 at 7:35 pm #117666KIP.Participant
Ninety five percent of the abuse I suffered was mental. And I think it’s much the same for most women. The emotional abuse was far worse, more damaging and much longer lasting. I still need therapy many years later. Never underestimate the mental injuries. I think the physical stuff is often used when the controlling behaviour doesn’t work any more. When they lose control of things. Many of us are left with anxiety and depression and PTSD. Read Healing from Hidden Abuse. I found it really helpful.
22nd December 2020 at 8:31 am #118238Doris2020Participant
I’m new too.
I’m still trying to navigate the site and work out how to start a topic.
I’ve endured (detail removed by Moderator) years of n**********c abuse. He’s now incredibly successful and has left me with nothing, he has taken the best years of my life, forced me to have an abortion, and now I’m depleted beyond my comprehension.
I know I have some blame too for allowing this, but I’m in a pit of physical emotional nervous agony.
That’s my first post here. 😢
12th December 2020 at 7:37 pm #117667KIP.Participant
I used to feel silly when I read some of the posts about the horrific physical abuse some women suffer but now I realise we are all hurt and damaged in different ways by abuse. Gaslighting. Their crazy making behaviour. They lying snd cheating and the push and pull, the Jeckyl and Hyde. Walking on eggshells.
22nd December 2020 at 11:57 am #118249butterfly2021Participant
Hi Doris2020, so sorry to hear of your pain and the stuff he put you through.. do not ever feel silly for reaching out, cos together there are always others who will share or support or just even read and listen … Try to now see your life as an open road, one which has led you to freedom, he will come unstuck, his life will turn and no doubt he will do same again.. but you are free and you can walk into whatever path you want without his power over you … feel sympathy for the new one.. she has it all to come.. remember how charming he was.. it will soon revert and you will too become the successful and independent one, who he thinks back to… you can only look forward now but remind yourself everyday you no longer have to be a slave to his wishes and ego… you are someone who sounds so hurt and sad, but that too can change… I was there too ..so its not just dreams or fantasy, it is the best time for you to rebuild and leave him to his own self gratification, he will never “own” you again that is your power x*x
12th December 2020 at 9:24 pm #117678TheAnonymousWomanParticipant
Thank you for replying. I’ve checked the book out and I’ve saved it to my Amazon account. I’ll buy it and give it a read after Xmas 🙂
It’s absolutely mad, isn’t it? How people feel it’s okay to treat other people this way. I’ll never understand it.
14th December 2020 at 11:16 pm #117816SoloclimbParticipant
He used to hit me and now he just teases – like a cat with a mouse. Deep down I know I am not the cause of his monologues of poison but I have realised that I hear him no matter where I go. He scoffs at me when I try to explain, he scoffs at the way I talk, he scoffs the tone, volume, and cadence of my voice. I have lost all self confidence and on the flip side any compliment he ever gave me I now question as well. I have allowed myself to be defined by him and that makes me really sad. I should have left years ago and that makes me feel weak but I know by reading the words of the journey of others on these forums that I can and will be able to just be me one day soon – and I can’t wait!
15th December 2020 at 1:38 am #117819GreenSapphireParticipant
Hi Soloclimb, I feel what you are describing is the psychological abuse you have suffered, that it has got to a place deep inside you that the physical injuries didn’t touch.
I remember when I turned myself inside out over and over again in the name of love. If I just changed the way I spoke to him, if I just changed what I did or didn’t say, if I just changed the way I behaved, if I did everything he wanted me to do, if I did everything I thought he wanted. Nothing was good enough. Nothing was ever right in his eyes. Nothing. Know that this isn’t love. None of this is love. Not from him. Love doesn’t beat you up or try to change you or make you feel like you’re always the bad guy.
You deserve better than this x
22nd December 2020 at 10:24 am #118245EggshellsParticipant
Hi @TheAnonmousWomen, Welcome to the forum. It is great that you found your way here but I am sorry that have needed to.
So many women who post for the first time express the feeling that their abuse was not serious enough to be here because it wasn’t physical. I am so sorry but the abuse you have suffered is incredibly serious and very destructive. Many women have suffered both physical and emotional abuse but the emotional abuse is what they are left struggling to deal with. It scars you in what may seem like an invisible way. But it is very visible and is evident in your very first post. You are doubting yourself and you probably will for some time yet. The problem with emotional abuse is that it is much harder to pin down. If he had broken your arm, you would be able to see it and understand that it was abuse. Emotional abuse is considerably less straight forward.
There is a book called “Healing from hidden abuse” which is often recommended on the forum. It might be worth taking a look. xx
22nd December 2020 at 10:32 am #118246EggshellsParticipant
Hi @Doris2020, Welcme to the forum. You can begin your own topic by going to the Forum. You should see a list of diffent forums. These are I need different places for different devices so you may need to have a rummage around. click on “Are you new o the forum?”. Then scroll down past all the posts and you should be able to see a box to start a new post.
22nd December 2020 at 11:59 am #118250
22nd December 2020 at 4:27 pm #118260IwantthistostopParticipant
HI, I have posted once before, but keep thinking things will get better. They haven’t. My ex continues to hound, bully and call me names via email and Whatsapp. We have (detail removed by Moderator) spent £(detail removed by Moderator) on mediation which led nowhere and has left me feeling as depressed as ever. I feel helpless and don’t know where to turn. Feel like i’m tied to him for another (detail removed by Moderator) years till the kids turn 18 and leave home. My quality of life has just disappeared and I can’t really see how it will get better. I wonder if anyone has had experience of a non-molestation order and how it works. I understand the legal process of getting one, but am afraid of how much evidence might be needed and how often a judge believes what you say. (detail removed by Moderator) the ex performs well (detail removed by Moderator), i don’t because I either completely shut down or completely fall apart and can’t tell my story.
23rd December 2020 at 11:13 am #118302Same-againParticipant
Just wanted to add my bit about different types of abuse.
Mine dished it all out. Physical, emotional, mental (gaslighting) and sexual.
Hand on heart the emotional (criticism, belittling, raging) and the mental (gaslighting) were far and away the most painful and continue to be so. I have scars on my face from where he hit me but they are nothing compared to the scars
underneath that can’t be seen.
Recently the police officer did a bit gaslighting & victim blaming and it has honestly sent me off into a black hole of mental anguish/rage/self hate and physical symptoms too.
The wounds of phycological abuse are painful indeed. Much more so than the physical abuse and that
included (but isn’t limited to)
1) breaking my ribs
2) kicking me in the head – and I mean a full on kick
3) smashing a glass in my face
4) Head butting me and breaking my nose
5) Kicking me so hard (me on floor-full swing kick) the bruise on my leg was a foot wide, raised, an evil
colour and so painful
6) Smashing my new glasses on my face (detail removed by Moderator) resulting in nasty
cut right across my head
These all pale into insignificance compared with the hidden pain. x
23rd December 2020 at 11:14 am #118303Same-againParticipant
28th December 2020 at 7:32 pm #118566EmpoweredhealingParticipant
Same-again, my heart breaks to read what you have been through. I hope you are healing now and that abuse will never be in your life again!
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