Hello – new to forum, how do I feel safe again ?

[Teddycng]

Hi ,
I’m new and a little nervous about speaking about my life. I need to find a way to feel safe and to enjoy my life as the feelings I have now are overwhelming for everyone.

How on earth do I feel ok ? I feel like my son is the next thing. My competence to look after him is questioned. What do I do? If I go quiet again to protect myself it’s seen as an attack . If I talk it’s used against me .

The background to what’s happened and continues to happen is too long for one post.
In short – we got engaged on (detail removed by Moderator) in a card outside a pub . (detail removed by Moderator) he goes on a uni society outing to (detail removed by Moderator). I’m left with a ring a receipt for the ring and embarrassed .
I had our son – was poorly throughout and left in hospital for days on my own as he went to work and finished his doctorate .
Everything was hard , nothing was easy our son was Ill and has learning issues A.

I struggled, some days were hard but I fought for my son to be well and have the support he needed and deserved.

I look back now and think where was the support or care for me? To the outside world they see this amazing (detail removed by Moderator) with all
The success anyone could ever wish for . Well spoken , good looking.
I got the person who told me he didn’t want to be who he was , constantly wanted to change . Everything was wrong , it was everyone else’s fault .

When I got pregnant again everything turned . I was told I wasn’t going to be well enough who was going to look after our son and he didn’t want the baby . I was Ill with severe morning sickness again . And this is where I don’t know why I did what I did . I will be forever sorry for what I did . It hurts every day . I thought ok well I have no support , I am poorly so I need to terminate . I went to clinic , found I had other medical complications and made the decision.
I didn’t want him there. I got my mother to take me and now she feels she had a hand in what happened.
After I felt completely drained and alone . No one rang the day surgery to get me out. I went back to my mums and asked for my son to be brought to me so I could see him .

That’s where I should have left . But I didn’t , I thought carry on and try for as long as I could for the sake of my son . I checked out of the relationship.
I got told I want the person he thought I was and I had changed and duped him .
Even my choice of what I wanted to watch on tv caused arguments .
I carried on but made sure I spent very little time around him .
I talked endlessly to a friend )who yes later became my partner), frankly I needed a friend someone to just talk anything to to ease the silence .
I tried everything to keep going. I didn’t want to be intimate I couldn’t bring myself to say I love you , at the time all I felt was numb .
I decided I was going to leave , Years of belittling, constantly nothing being good enough including the house , me work , his look , his family , his past childhood . There was no way of living with it all .

I left at (detail removed by Moderator) I figured people around I wasn’t leaving him alone and he would have support.
He threatens to Kill himself . Drinks , bangs his head on the walls . Shouts and screams and cry’s. Goes everywhere and anywhere telling all that listen I’ve left I’ve had my head turned .
I stayed in the spare tiny room making myself a camp bed on the floor between the master room and my sons room . I set up alternate days arrangements so our son gets one of us each day , and so I can get some space to figure out what I need to do .
Every day is another screaming crying , shouting , head banging . Pictures on social media of train bridges . Scared out of my wits .
I take my son to my mums in my car with 1 boot load of possessions.
I still allow my son contact every other day , on reflection I don’t know why . Why did I do that ? I felt responsible .

Never did he ask me come back not once.

His family have always been an issue and never nice or kind . Always talking about the knives they threw at doors at his father who was forced out of his life .

They disappear in an instant and what a relief it was . I felt relief . I was safe at my mums .
My friends all but a few cut all contact . A tour of them was done by my ex . So I had no money , all in joint accounts (raided almost instantly as I left ). No home I couldn’t go back . But for the first time I felt happy.

For a while I felt good . I got my own bank account – I can’t explain the empowerment of having your own account.
I had my own devices with a new cloud account.

For a good while I felt ok . The divorce was a mixture of everything. Done in covid so everything took ages .
The finances , well that was the issue . (detail removed by Moderator) being held financially in limbo . Only solved by lawyers.
Still I thought ok , he’s been made to buy me out . I can start again . I said no contents and I figured anything of mine was gone .

A new partner for me and him I thought ok I’ll be left alone now . Nope .

They move house , fair enough . Even that included pain for me. Items brought to me before Christmas included baby clothes , my maternity clothes . Odd keep sakes but not all of them and a few books . A whole box of books I had brought him sent out of spite so I returned those .
I ask for one thing , my baby’s pram .
It’s held and not returned.
Just before they move another set of boxes , baby things , baby toys ,keepsakes of my baby .
Items that were useful , donated to a nursery .
I feel so much pain . I think why? Nothing that’s brought shows any mercy . Nothing useful or kind just painful
Memories .

They move and my son has a period of illness . We meet (detail removed by Moderator). I vent how I’ve been treated by others in the village where my son goes to school , followed , talked about , asked who is paying my rent , about my car . It’s been awful . Im told I’ve done things wrong like not acknowledge him when he drops our son off. I find his mother has been looking after my son after school nothings said about it to me , I struggle with this and it’s known but apparently because I wasn’t acknowledged him or spoken. I ask about is there anything more , yes new fiancé I stated I was happy for him and he says she’s doing school pick up too.

Our sons poorly again, I collect him and take him to hospital . (detail removed by Moderator) hours I was locked in a hospital room isolation one one of the days with him . I didn’t want to leave my son so I stayed with him . Hours of pauses talking pauses . With him saying this is the longest time we have been together since our son was born . I feel nothing but anxiety and my body crawls . In those low
Moments I open up that I feel under threat . He says you do too .
I open up and we talk .

Now I’m facing the consequences of that .
I try everything to set up a new relationship with him and his fiancé .
I try being supportive with my son being Poorly , but I am judged .
My son said he’s been to see a heart and bum dr . I have no knowledge of this . I was blamed for him being poorly in a clever way . It’s never direct accusation clever plays on words in person .

Our son has been Poorly again dreaded covid . I take care of him. Get it myself and the messages keep on coming . My son want sent to school I stupidly rang to ask why . Got a whole angry tirade . Next day get a nice as perfect message handover .

How on earth do I feel ok ? I feel like my son is the next thing. My competence to look after him is questioned. What do I do? If I go quiet again to protect myself it’s seen as an attack . If I talk it’s used against me .

I don’t feel safe I’m
Just waiting on the lawyers letters

[Lisa]

Dear Teddycng,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. You have been through a great deal and explain the ongoing effects of abuse, particularly when children are involved. The stress of having a child with health difficulties is huge.
May I gently remind you to remember how far you have come, you have managed to cope with so much and managed to separate. When the abuse continues despite that it is heart-breaking and debilitating. It sounds as though the fact you still have contact with your abusive ex means the effects are continuing. I know it depends on any court order in place so I suggest checking this with your solicitor, but can you think about how you could reduce direct contact? I know it’s difficult regarding child contact but it is possible, you could try to limit it as much as possible to perhaps email only and consider a contact handover book instead of text messages?

If you don’t have any local support in place please consider contacting your local domestic abuse service? They can offer ongoing emotional and practical support and may either have specialist counselling or be able to help you access a counselling service in your area.

Posting a separate topic in a different part of the forum may result in your post being seen more.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Author]

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