Viewing 6 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #63073
      arandomname
      Participant

      Hi everyone,
      I found this forum by chance and I’m glad that I did. I’ve been feeling trapped and that there is no one I can talk to aside from a therapist and my GP. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t tell anyone what I’m going through.
      I have been diagnosed with depression last year and have been taking medication, the highest possible dose of this medication. My boyfriend thinks it’s about something else but really it’s mostly about our relationship.
      We are getting married in very soon and this is stressing me out massively. Going to therapy has been making me feel worse again because it doesn’t let me ignore things and carry on as if everything is ok.
      I have this argument going on in my head constantly – should I stay and get married or should I leave? Both options are so scary that I just feel stuck and trapped. I just wish I could disappear or not exist anymore. It’s an impossible choice. I feel so alone because my family is in another country, I moved here for him. All of my friends are pretty much his friends too so I don’t feel like I can talk to any of them about it. I know it’s silly, but I don’t want to ruin their relationships with him. I don’t want to bad mouth him.
      Sorry, I guess this might be the wrong place to post this topic, maybe it should be in “getting out”, but I can’t make that decision yet.
      I’m very very confused and can’t seem to accept it, but I think it is abuse although it feels very grey area at times and certainly not as bad as other stories here. He has done some physical things a couple of years ago – holding me down so I can’t leave the room in an argument, pushing me, kicking me off of something of his that I was sitting on… but back then I kept saying that if he does any thing like that again I would leave so he hasn’t done it since. Now it’s emotional abuse I guess, possibly a bit of financial abuse. Not sure if it is though.
      He knows that I hate it when he calls me names like b*tch c**t idiot dumb f**k…. used to do it a lot more but has tried to do it less… still slips out sometimes in arguments.
      He’ll say something I do is stupid and I’ll say don’t call me stupid, so he says I’m not saying YOU’RE stupid, I’m saying what you did is stupid… is there really any difference though?
      Even when he’s being “nice” there will still be little criticisms about how I look, my hair, my makeup, what I’m wearing, things I say…. sometimes as a joke, sometimes as “I’m just pointing out since I thought you would want to know” such as if my makeup is cakey or something.
      I feel like if I say anything to any friends or definitely family, there’s no way back. They wouldn’t let me stay with him, or they would just be very against it and I would feel stupid knowing that they know and I’m still staying.
      If I leave my whole life falls apart, will have to start everything from scratch. Will have to leave the country (on a spouse visa), leave my job that I’m struggling with anyway, leave the fiendships I’ve made, won’t have a place to live, will have to stay with one of my parents or something. I’ll just be a super pathetic loser. I’m in my thirties so feel like it’s too late to start over again and that I won’t find anyone else for a long time and it will be too late to have any kids and I’ll just be that sad aunt that doesn’t have a life.
      No to mention the wedding… if it was canceled I’d feel so guilty. People are coming from lots of different places and have spent lots of money on it already. Also the money that we are paying on all kind of deposits, my dress, etc that will be gone.
      I keep thinking I can always leave later but I know that it will just get harder and harder. I’m so scared about having a baby with him even though part of me wants to. Because then my life will definitley always be interwined with him and I would probably be stuck in this country with no family as a single mum.
      But it also breaks my heart to think about just disappearing on him and leaving. And I do love him and I would miss him and I’m starting to panic just thinking about it now. I can’t do that to him.
      He would be heartbroken and humiliated and angry. He would definitley bad mouth me to anyone who would listen as he does about a past girlfriend who cheated on him and left him (p.s. the thing that he hates the most is that she called him controlling). I guess I could live with that though.
      Anyway… this is a lot longer than I meant it to be and it could be longer. Thank you to anyone who reads this all. Help? I don’t know what to do and feel like I am going to have a breakdown. I’m not functioning at work, I’m writing this at work… which makes me feel super guilty which makes it worse.
      If anyone has any advice I’d appreciate it.

    • #63076
      Tiffany
      Participant

      I left in the midst of wedding planning. People understood. It sounds like your partner is emotions abusive, and if you dig down you may find he is abusive in other ways too. I only saw the obvious stuff when I decided to leave, but having been able to look at things in a much clearer way since leaving I realised that there was financial, sexual and physical abuse going on to – it just hadn’t seemed bad enough to label as that when I had been enthralled by him while in the relationship. He had me convinced that I was going mad, that I was mentally ill, when in truth I was just suffering horrendous side effects from the abuse.

      I too ended up losing my job, and moving away from my friends and back in with my parents. It was a huge thing to do and felt like I had lost everything I had worked for for years.

      A year on though and I don’t regret anything about the decision I made. I have a better job, I have made good friends, and am now dating someone who actually likes me and cares about me. There are still side effects from the years of abuse, but my life is infinitely better than it would have been if I had stayed with my abuser.

      It is never too late to start over, and I really don’t think you will regret leaving your abuser. His behaviour is making you ill, and will likely only get worse once you are married.

    • #63091
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      arandomname,

      Keep posting on here and reading the posts. You will recognise more and more of your fiancées behaviour as abusive. He definitely appears to me to be of the abusive kind. Read the posts on here daily. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book’ why does he do that..’ Google the Power and Control wheel and the google the Cycle of Abuse. Ring Women’s Aid and discuss your situation with them.

      His abuse of you will get worse as soon as the ring is on your finger. Not to mention when you are pregnant. They up the abuse when we are vulnerable in any way. Then wait until you have children then you will have to watch him getting his kicks from your children being upset and distressed by his treatment of them and mine caused me such pain (all the while he was laughing with great joy) at my beautiful children that I loved with all my heart turning against me (due to his manipulations/brainwashing of them). The pain of my children being alienated emotionally against me was a horrific emotional pain considering he had never bothered with them when they were babies and pre-teens but when they hit teenage years he turned his attention to them and turned them against me.

      Then there was the financial abuse all through the marriage. He had an excellent job but the children and I lived like paupers he kept all the money for himself and his interests. I scrimped and save all through the marriage, not spending much on clothes, our home, activities etc as he was always running up debt and complaining we had no money and this kept me spending very little. Yet he had an excellent salary.

      A man who calls you b***h, idiot, c**t, dumb f**k doesn’t love you. Believe him when he calls you those things. That’s what he thinks of you. That is the real him.

      A man who really loves you would cherish you and call you loving names and have loving gestures.

      Its not you. You are full of love. He just is like an empty shell with no love, no empathy. He can’t give what he doesn’t have.

      Please don’t walk down the aisle with a man who pushes you, kicks you and calls you horrible, horrible names.

      Its so hard to call off a wedding so please keep posting and reading and get as much support as you can.

    • #63096
      puzzledatlife
      Participant

      What i felt reading your post, and this is no criticism, is a sense of having your life decided by others. It struck me that you said, if I tell my family they will make me leave him or try to do so. It is really difficult to define whether our partner is abusive, but that in my view is somehow irrelevant. We could be with the kindest of men and still be unhappy. We wouldn’t be losers or mean for that. You made enormous and very brave choices…moving country (I know how hard this is because i am also a foreigner) committing to a completely different life and so on. So you have the resources to do that. It is very difficult to advise…I know for some people to say a swear word during an argument isn’t a big deal, but even so if this makes you feel scared for the future that is what matters. I think a certain degree of ambivalence is normal when one makes decisions that are hard to revert. Have you talked to him about your feelings? I think it would be important to do so if you haven’t. His response may tell you a lot I suppose x

    • #63101
      Tiffany
      Participant

      I am going to contradict puzzledatlife and advise that you do not talk about how things are going with your partner. I have reread what you had written. There is clearly verbal abuse – (calling you names), there has been physical abuse (holding you down), and you think there may also be financial abuse. You are already isolated from friends and family (moved abroad for him). One or two of these things might be coincidence, but this is to my mind too many red flags, particularly when you are feeling anxious as depressed enough about the situation that you have found and joined this forum. I think that talking to him could result in him manipulating you into staying. I would do your research, read up about abusive relationships and start keeping a note of every time he is unpleasant to you. I think you might be shocked by the frequency – I know I was. I knew that we had big rows about once a month, but I hadn’t realised that he was undermining me in more subtle ways daily, with small criticisms and unkind words.

    • #63107
      arandomname
      Participant

      Thank you for your replies and support.
      My dad called me about something and I ended up telling him that I wasn’t sure about getting married and that I was afraid of how he would react if I tried to call it off or take a break, that he might get violent.
      I was at work (not getting anything done obviously, lol) and realised that I had put a decision in motion by telling someone. I started crying and hyperventilating and left work early.
      Then my mother called too and I blurted out a lot more and explained that he was abusive.
      Going to see my therapist today and after that discuss things with my parents again. They are ready to get on a plane to help me get my stuff and come home.
      Meanwhile I have to act like everything is normal with him. I keep thinking about how I’m lying to him and he has no idea whats coming, how I am just going to disappear. He will go mental. I can’t imagine doing that to him. I love him and don’t want to hurt him. I’m going to miss him. It makes me so sad and scared that I won’t get to hold him anymore after this.
      I still have to spend the weekend with him somehow because we have committed to something and are going away. So leaving might happen once we’re back and he goes to work.
      Omg I’m so scared of doing this. I know I should but I don’t want to and life is going to suck for a long time if I do.

    • #63139
      banks
      Participant

      Dear arandomname,

      what you did (telling your parents) was incredibly brave and you will survive this if you decide to leave him. I am so glad your parents are willing to come if needs be. I was where you are, and when I told my mother, I finally understood I was ready (even tho in the same time, I was not) to win back my life and myself. Yes it is hard, but like other ladies said – keep reading, you will see thing clearly given some time, especially time away where you can focus on healing. Go no contact with him if you can and please read up on FOG – fear, obligation and guilt. You worry about hurting him because we are loving creatures and also conditioned to look after them, but he has been hurting you this whole time, and he does not care nor will he change! As I said to someone else on this forum once, this is not about hurting him or not, this is about putting yourself first. Nothing else matters right now, but you and your happiness. Sending you hugs and support, stay safe xx

Viewing 6 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content