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Morning ladies..
i have been woth my partner for (detail removed by moderator) years and have a little boy who is (age removed by moderator). I have come to accept i may be in an abusive relasonship. I have lived like this for so long now that i don’t really know what is right or wrong, and if i really am to blame for all this.
So you get an idea of where the abuse started let me explain.
When i first got with my partner (like the very beginning) i had been messaging two guys ,(detail removed by moderator) it was just flirty banter or private messages and nothibg else. I never ‘cheated’ on him but yes there was messages and he found them later when he hacked me because he said he just had a feeling u was upto stuff (i wasn’t at that point, the guys i had been messaging had long finished) Honestly all it was was flirty, silly banter. I never met up woth these guys or had any kind of fling but he said what he found has made him a paranoid mess. So because of that i have never been allowed to see friends even go and have coffee with them, nights out are a no no he actually says its a ‘rule’
it just seems thinns have totally got out of hand over the years. he has a terrible temper and takes everything out on me.
He says i need to lose weight and go to the gym all the time, he even has me on this diet at the moment where i don’t eat breakfast and inhave to go as long as i can in a day wothout eating and when i do need to eat i only eat a small amount. The thing is i am not fat i only weigh less than 9 stone (detail removed by moderator)i think thats ok isn’t it?? (detail removed by moderator) . he says i make no effort for him which isn’t true. He tells me we don’tbhave enough sex (we hav sex 4/5 times a week)
The latest is a female friend of mine got back in contact with me recently after not speaking for years, i am so glad to have this friend back in my life but he seems to think it will cause nothing but problems and he seems to think my old life will now creep into our life now, he says we don’t need friends as long as we have each other, and is trying to make me feel bad for wanting friends. the other week he was so angry he straggled me twice in the living room. it isn’t thebfirst time he has been physical, he has kicked me, bit me, straggled me but i am always to blame for his actikns. i caused all this when i ‘chested’ in him at the start. i am so sorry for all that and all the pain i caused him i really am, i wish i hadn’t of done all that but i was younger and imature and to be honest i didn’t think the relasonship would go anywhere cause he lived so far away, it was a silly mistake that he is still holding over me all these years later and i am sick of it.
Sorry to go on and on but there is so much to this, i most certainly havn’t covered everything. i just need other people opinions. am i to blame?? do i deserve all this, i mean i did break his heart and i have made him a paranoid mess.
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Well done for posting!! He is most definitely abusing you. He’s blaming the abuse on the fact you “cheated” on him. If that was the case then he should have decided to not of got into a relationship with you. Your allowed to talk to who ever you want.
Please give the helpline a call they are fantastic at recognising and helpin you understand his abuse!!
No one should stop you from seeing your friends and make it a rule that is full on control of your social life. If you want to keep friends then meet your friends but unfortunately he’s made this difficult for you. The fav he has strangled you is serious!! My ex done that to me twice and police take that very serious as you could potentially lose your life. I don’t want to scare you but he is ruining your life. Please ring the helpline and get in contact with your local woman’s aid it’s the best thing I ever done. I’m currently in refuge and I have never felt so strong and happy. You can do this and keep posting!!!!!
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Thank you so much for replying 🙂
i often say to him when he starts on one if his rants that he could always leave me if it’s that bad but he won’t he says he loves me to much to leave.
He also blackmails me and demands money off me when he threatens to leave and that scares me so i end up staying with him. I know i should have called the police on him when he did that but i am scared what he is capable of. i just wish i wasn’t scared if him but i am, i am scared he could ruin my while life.
i have tried countless times to call the helpline but i never get through and don’t feel it’s safe to leave a message
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Do you have a local branch of women’s aid which does drop ins? Or even just that you could try calling? It might also be useful to discuss the abuse with your GP. They may be able to point you in the direction of where to get support and they can also provide evidence that you are being abused if you need it. Also it’s good just to start talking about this. It’s often the first step we take to getting away.
On that note – your partner is clearly a violent abuser, so don’t discuss leaving with him. It’s not safe. The safest thing is to make a plan to leave without telling him, get away to somewhere safe, then inform him you are gone and that you don’t want to be in contact with him. Refuge would be an option.
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Hi smallbutbrave, make that call sweetheart, or youll end up like me and so many ither women, still with an abusive man,decades later.im still trying to rip the plaster off. I know its going to hurt but not half as much as spending wasted years on a man who will never change My husband STILL brings up times ive flirted with others, yet hes the biggest flirt i know. My husband has tried to strangle me too,(was during sex, which scared me so much, but i pretended to go along with it) hes punched me,pulled my hair, pinched me, slapped me, spat on me(always followed up with, cant you take a joke, youre no fun anymore). They say and do the most hurtful things, yet can be loving kind and thoughtful and so b****y logical too.its the logical reasoning that eats away at us, cos they explain things so logically, that you believe you are the cause of their anger, loss of face,, whatever they decide,you’re it.
Being on here and reading others stories makes what is happening to us real and more importantly very wrong. Keep reading and posting. Can you keep a,diary of abuse, even if it’s something so trivial. Big hugs to you, and be safe
IWMB 💕💕 -
Oh goodness yes…he is so clever with words, he just talks and talks at me. he really has made me belive it is all my fault. When he tells me all the things i do wrong i feel like a little child being told off by my teacher. and if i dare to bring up stuff he has done he tells me to stop turning things around. it has got to the point where if we are having an argument (or him shouting at me) i don’t even say anything or even trybto defend myself because it makes him made or he just insults me.
he was going on again about my past and saying ‘i bet you have even lied about all the guys you have slept woth in the past’ he once forced me to text him all the names of the guys i have been with, i felt really uncomftable doing that but did anyway and he still thinks i have lied about that and there is loads more!!!
If i don’t give him enough sex he sulks or kicks off, he wants me to do thigs i don’t want to and because i say no he calls me frigid and boring. i don’t like having sex anymore…i have a low sex drive but these days i can’t bear it butnonly do it to keep him happy.
He says i don’t make him feel secure or loved and that i am cold. is it any wonder!
he even gets moody when i do certain things to my hair i.e like have it curley…he hates it but i really like it so once a week i will curl it and he goes off on one, so i can’t even do what i want with my hair without anproblem. its a joke!!
but after all this i still then question…well is he right, should i not curl my hair he doesn’t like it this way. he wants me to be a certain weight, he wants me to wear more make up, have more sex. am i being selfish not always living up to what he wants. he is my partner should i be compromising abit more??
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I lived with a strangler. When he got stressed and angry, he’d grab me by the throat and bang my head on the wall. When I finally called the police after one of these incidents, I had a lovely policewoman to talk to.
When I said. “But he’s never hit me!“ she said strangling/choking me was much worse. A hit or punch could leave a bruise or even break a bone, but throttling could kill really quickly.
I had never stopped to think about that. Now I never forget it.
Flower x
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I can relate to so many things and dont have much to add to what other ladies have said. I am just concerned about him insisting that you have to loose weight!!! You dont weigh enough to be called fat!!! You sound normal and he is starving you!! Even obese people should not lose weight by following his ‘diet plan’. I hope you do eat despite that.
You definitely should not compromise more or do something more or better.my ex also blamed me for cheating as he found some messages to males which meant nothing and was not romantic. But it messed with my head and for a long time i felt as if i slept with many men behind his back and had to remind myself i was in fact faithfull.
Surprise surprise he was the one who cheated.
I am glad you found this forum. 🙂 the more you talk about it the closer you are to breaking free. At least in my case.🙂 -
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Women’s aid you can definitely call without having to take any further action. They won’t make you do anything, although they can provide various types of support towards leaving if and when you want that. The same with the GP I think. They won’t make you do anything. Although they may not have the same resources to support you as women’s aid does, because obviously women’s aid specialises in dealing with domestic abuse and the GP doesn’t. You could also call the local place that helps with refuges and ask what support they offer?
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Dear smallbutbrave
I really hope you can get through to the helpline. I don’t know if they email, but they can text too.
It does sound asif it might be safer for you to call in somewhere for dv support to help you get out if that’s what you’re looking for.
There are lots of links and information on here tat could direct you to your local services
Warmest wishes ts
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Dear Smallbutbrave,
I am so pleased that you have had so much great support and advice from others here on the forum. It is great that Twisted Sister has posted the above link and I hope that is helpful to you. With regards to the helpline, I know that it can be tricky to get through sometimes and I am not sure if he works but you can always leave a message with a safe window for them to call you back in, even if it is only relatively small (eg please call me back between 8:45am – 9:15). Or I know that early and later in the day can be quieter as can weekends if you can try them then.
You are doing brilliantly. It is wonderful that you have reached out for some support, please don’t let him know that you are gaining in strength.
We are all here for you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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