20th January 2020 at 9:42 am #96080
I don’t know what to do. I can’t escape yet but I can’t do this any more either. I drove myself home (long drive) last night and there were flashes through my mind of should I just take the car off the road. It’s awful. I am increasingly having moments where I tell myself there is no other way out. I am so very very unhappy but if I tell him things that make me unhappy and tell him things have to change he just turns it round to be about him, makes me feel that I owe it to him to make his life easier by being his unpaid slave. I don’t work, I have brought up our children, but I’m now in a catch22 situation because I don’t really have time to get a job because I do so much for him and obviously I can’t give detail which makes it tricky to explain. There is also a big problem with his family and his brother also uses me and shows me no respect (his wife works so she is a much more important person) but when I tell my husband that needs to change he does nothing about it. For some reason he won’t square up to his younger brother but bottom line is he doesn’t mind if his brother treats me like s**t.
I plan to leave. But it can’t be yet. And I am so scared. Because while I stick it out for the necessary time I become more and more unhappy and the situation becomes worse and worse but because of my youngest child I can’t go yet. I am also very very vulnerable. I have nothing my husband has everything. He has complete control. I just don’t know what to do and I’m scared of the thoughts I’m having as I really don’t want to have them. He is so horrible to me. Help. Please.
20th January 2020 at 8:08 pm #96121snowbuntingParticipant
Hello Lottieblue, I have been exactly where you are right now, I have taken those car journeys and had those thoughts and asking for help takes courage and shows your strength. I telephoned the samaritans and an incredibly patient kind man listened and talked me through my fears at that point. I also listened several times on audible to a book by Matt Haig – Reasons to stay alive. A man I had never met but who became my go to when I was really struggling. Practically for financial advice I also found free citizens advice was helpful and going to see my doctor to talk my feelings through. I follow some instagram accounts who talk about isolating your thoughts and seeing them as just thoughts you can work around rather than something that defines you. I also know that in despair thats easier said than done. You are not alone, there are lots of women on here who are or have been in your shoes. Living with an abuser is incredibly tough on your emotional resources. Take care of yourself, your daughter needs you too. xx
20th January 2020 at 11:25 pm #96131BraveParticipant
So sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. It’s so important to find support, as said above – your GP, WA, a counsellor if possible? I found that once I knew what was really going on, I stopped trying to get him to understand the problems, as he never would, and it was using up all my energy. Instead, I used it to plan to get away. Step by tiny step. In secret. Seeing a lawyer helped a lot too. It let me see I could survive, despite being told I would not (financially). Finding people to support you, who believe you, is vital to getting away.
I wish you all the very best. I read Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig too.
Take care, and please do reach out for help for yourself. Keep posting.
21st January 2020 at 10:01 am #96143LadyofRParticipant
I think that you are in a vulnerable position right now, and you need to try and rise above the misery of your emotions, and instead try to put in place some practical plans that will allow you to escape as safely as you can. Citizens advice will be a good start. You will need money to live on, and a safe place to stay. Also read about the psychology of narcs and once you understand and can even predict his dreadful character traits then this will help you to break free. Once they cannot gaslight and confuse and befuddle you with their lies and chaotic impulsive behaviours then you will feel some control over him.
Meditation can also help to overcome the anxiety.
Stay strong and we have your back, don’t you fear.
21st January 2020 at 12:59 pm #96146HettyParticipant
I totally know where you’re coming from. I’m living with my emotionally abusive husband while making plans to leave. Since I woke up on October and realised things are never going to get any better I’ve been living in a very strange almost dual life. It’s absolutely horrendous. I do what I can to keep out his way. I feel sick to my stomach and so very sad.
Bottom line is we have to keep going for the sake of our children and keep hope that we can get our lives back.
Take small steps every day no matter how painful or saddening it is. Seek out support, organise your belongings if your longer term goal is to leave. I’m not saying any of this is easy. Seek support from your gp if you need to. It’s the worst situation ever but I think we can get caught up in creating obstacles which keep us feeling trapped. We are in control no matter how our partners leave us feeling. We could walk out tomorrow realistically but we know plans must be in place. Start by thinking about how you want life to be away from this man and what you need to do to get there. It’s a long process I know but with each step we grow closer to our hopes and dreams. I’m seeing a financial advisor this week. Part of me doesn’t want to go. I felt sick making the appointment but if I want a life of not walking in egg shells then I have to keep moving forward. You’re not alone ❤️
23rd January 2020 at 7:20 pm #96312
Thank you all so much, your advice is so invaluable.
What I find hard is that for some of the time, things are fine. But now that I have done all this reading I have found so much strength and I know now that things will never change. And I know that there will come a time when there is an explosion and I will be ready for it and in a position to say That’s it I’m out. Because every explosion I’ve already suffered (and there haven’t been that many, it’s more ongoing low level stuff) I know I would have left if I could have. So this is me saying Never again, girl, the next time, you are out.
So, like you, Hetty, it feels strange (wrong?) to make these appointments but at the same time it makes me feel strong.
It means such a lot to know that others are in the same boat as me, right now, and that when I get the moments of blackest despair, there is always someone out there to listen and to help.
1st February 2020 at 10:15 am #96850
I went to my local WA this week. It was so nice the way I was welcomed in and listened to but I have a real fear of being found out. Today there have been words. We are not in the same place but he has hung up on me because he was trying to control me and I was resisting. I feel sick again. I can’t see a way out. I am truly, truly desperate. He is so unkind to me. Everything is all about him and if I try to think about me he just tells me it’s not all about me. He tries to dictate how I should spend my days. He thinks I do nothing so gives me tasks to do for him and then gets really grumpy when I tell him I have other things to do – genuine tasks – and tells me I can only do one thing a day and why do I have to make such a meal out of everything. He thinks I’m there just to serve him. I can’t go on living like this. But I can’t leave. Yet.
1st February 2020 at 11:41 am #96857CecileParticipant
Lottieblue you need to ignore him, his needs. My ohms brother and other siblings have been incredibly abusive to me as well it made me incredulous in fact. They are a family of narcissists. Likely yours are also. They are made, not born, through bad parenting, mothers who do not I still boundaries with them. As far as I am aware, that is what I know, although I expect there may be other reasons. You are not responsible for his abuse of you. There is no such thing as low level abuse. If he is driving you to having suicidal thoughts then it is very serious and you need to get out. I have been told by him I will live in poverty if I divorce him, won’t cope financially. Well guess what, I am now aware he has huge sums stashed away, hidden from me for years.he is harassing me in complex ways within the home and I have been told they are likely grounds for an order to get him out. I thought it was low level as well and I now realise that is low self esteem talking. You seem like a articulate intelligent sensitive resilient lady. I love to hear from you as your posts make me feel less isolated as things are tough now. You must keep a journal, understand your memory is correct and you deserve so much more.
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