17th April 2020 at 9:26 am #101040
i have just emailed local women’s aid, i gave my name i hope they dont do anything with it to let him know what i’m doing, i cant cope anymore life is unbearable and i feel so trapped and helpless with this corona virus holding me back. ijust want to find somewhere to rent privately for now i just cant motivate. love gran x*x
17th April 2020 at 10:45 am #101043
Hi gran, WA won’t let anyone know least of all him. Well done for taking that step, it’s a huge thing to do. My mantra as in everything I did up to leaving and beyond was ‘Don’t think just do’ its baby step by baby step.
Keep posting, keep asking what’s next. Those of us who’ve left are here to guide those still to do so.
Best wishes. IWMB 💞💞
17th April 2020 at 11:46 am #101052Anonymous
One thing I am sure of is that they will not put you at risk. It is completely normal to be apprehensive about reaching out. You deserve better than unbearable. Hang in there x
17th April 2020 at 1:26 pm #101061HunkyDoryParticipant
Hi Gran, you’ve made a big step and that’s brilliant! Is it possible to rent somewhere furnished for now to get you away? Not even sure if the rental sector is actually functioning but if you’re moving away from abuse then that wouldn’t be frowned on?
Don’t worry about any risk from women’s aid. You’ve taken a big step towards your freedom and I am rooting for you! Love & hugs x*x
17th April 2020 at 9:05 pm #101094fizzylemParticipant
Hi Gran, sending you hugs, you sound low and in desperation; try and call the samaritians if you can get out for a walk. I find it really helps to talk to them when I’m feeling like you are.
Gosh, your own place! Wouldn’t that be nice! You could relax and please yourself hey; have you had a look at what’s out there yet? I imagine your local womens aid will be great for supporting you with this move.
When we feel trapped, sometimes knowing we have a temporary place to stay if we need it can help – a get out – can any of your friends or family help here? Even just knowing it could be an option may help in the interim until you get your own place lined up.
I think in these circumstances, the one you describe, as long as friends and family are happy to have you, meaning they feel you pose no risk with the virus, then you can visit them to get away for a while; the way I have interpreted the guidance on this is that the restrictions have been put in place to protect us, if they are contributing to the distress because of DA, then this is recognised. You are not expected to tolerate abuse to comply with the restrictions. Suppose if you have not seen anyone and have been symptom free for weeks, and so has your friend or a family member – this person may be able to offer you some refuge for a while x
18th April 2020 at 9:06 am #101128
thank you iwantmeback, questioningmyself,hunkydory and fizzylem for your supportive comments,you donot know how much it helps , as i have not been allowed to make friends and was cut off from all but my brother and sister, aong with my parents who are now long gone,and to get to them would take two seperate flights, which is impossible right now. i do not have anyone to go to, but am not afraid t live alone or with my adult son who lives with us and wouldnot want to live with his father. things have calmed down for now and i am ok for the time being. w.a. didnot get back to me yet but i should imagine they are overloaded at the moment as i tell myself often, I WILL SURVIVE.Lots of love and gratitude from gran x*x
18th April 2020 at 2:31 pm #101172
Hi gran, I love that song once of the most empowering songs of the 80’s. I’m loving living alone, dread having visitors to my space, even family, when I eventually get to move into my own place. Keep trying with WA, was it the national helpline or your local one. This life isn’t just black and white is it, there’s so many grey areas.
Keep posting, you can do this. I always hated sticking my head above the parapet, procrastinated a whole lot. Now I’m slowly getting a bit of confidence, becoming more assertive, which in his eyes is aggressive but hey, his opinion does not matter anymore💪💪
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
19th April 2020 at 6:58 pm #101294HopeLifeJoyParticipant
Well done for reaching out to Women’s Aid.
I had to read it twice, you’re really set on getting your own place? Something must have clicked within you to reach that conclusion, it’s impressive. Now I know to think it isn’t going to actually do it.
Keep contacting your support worker, or get assigned one and plan a solid exit strategy. Don’t be dishearten when she doesn’t reply straight away, perhaps next time actually ask what to expect on respond time so you are prepared. She has to be very transparent to you, she knows that, planning to leave an abuser isn’t easy to do and ideally need daily ongoing support. Have you ever tried the chat support? Are they any faster in replying? Or the helpline…basically when one door is silent, go knock on others.
Your gp would also be another good source of support.
There is a way out for you my dear, my advice is to hold on to your resolve to move to a new place. Prepare as much as you can on the days he’s in a good mood. Start by setting aside somewhere out of reach and safe your most valuable things. Valuables, important documents, sentimental belongings.
Do you mind me asking, would your son be able to help you in any way?
Sending you strength and hugs 💪💕
19th April 2020 at 7:54 pm #101296EggshellsParticipant
Hi Gran, it’s a huge step making that first contact. It might just be worth you knowing that WA told me that they won’t email me. Did you leave a phone number? And have you deleted the email from your sent and your deleted box?
I don’t think that WA will speak to you whilst he is in the house with you. I used to get in the car and drive around the corner and speak to my Refuge worker from there.
Now that you have taken that major first step, do you think that you might feel confident enough to try phoning them? Take your mobile and head out with the number if you can, either in your car or for a walk. Then call from a palce you feel safe. If you can get a key worker, either from Women’s Aid or Refuge, it can make all the difference.
Sending you a great big hug. xx
20th April 2020 at 9:08 am #101330
dear iwantmeback, hopelifejoy, and walkingoeggshells, thank you for your posts of support. funny you should mntion black and white, iwantmeback, because i have realised that my husband has always seen things in black and white, there are no grey areas, in his thinking and no compromises, he is always right and i am always wrong. i know that this is a sign of a severe personality disorder but as he doesnot accept that he has a problem except anything caused by me, he will never be diagnosed. i have tried getting help from drs before but apart from antidepressants or councelling, there was nothing. i tried antideppressantswhich didnt really solve the problem and could not go to counciling because i wasnt allowed out of the house. i tried leaving years ago, but he begged me to come back, and of course, ever the fool, i did. my kids wanted me to leave in the past, but now i think they worry a bit that it might killhim, because of his health. i stopped telling them anything bad about him because i realised how it has affected them growing up. although my son knows, he is treated the same and is middleaged anyway i have not heard back from w.a i didnt email them just left a message with my email adress but have heard nothing back. thanks again i have no friends so this site helps me feel less isolated. i hope one day i can do as you do and help others thank you, love gran
20th April 2020 at 9:39 am #101331
Hi gran, you’re right taking medication doesn’t help not in the long run. If you don’t get to the root of the problem how can you fix the symptoms. Plus if we don’t realise the root of our problems is abuse then we’re going round in circles with the medical profession too. Antidepressants are good for some of us, we do what we do to get through this. I just felt I had to be ‘here’, stopped drinking too,not that it was lots but ended up realising I was only drinking in order to cope being with him, to be able to have sex with him. Counselling isn’t recommended anyway when your still living with the abuser as it’s counterproductive. You’re still in survival mode. Its like treating a soldier with PTSD but expecting him to still go back to active service.
Have you read Living with the dominator yet, written by pat Craven. You can download it onto your phone or kindle if you have one. Reading was one of the things he couldn’t take away from me. Yes it’s not a good idea to burden our children with these problems but also at the same time, they’re not children now are they. Maybe not able to face what their father is, I know it took me decades to use the word abuser to describe my husband’s behaviour😔 send wa an email, keep badgering them. Ive realised that it’s just another form of societal conditioning, you ask someone for help, thèth don’t get back to you, so don’t do anything, also being with an abuser takes away your self worth. You are worth outside help.
I hope today is a good day for you and all the other ladies on here and not.
21st April 2020 at 8:58 am #101396
dear iwantmeback, thank you for your post,i will try and look for living with the dominator, i used to get books from library, but usually couldnt bring myself to ask him if icould go and then when i did go it took me months before i could get them back to libraryso i dont go toomuch now, theyre closed for a while now anyway but i will look it up on amazon and read part of it there. i dont have room to download it on laptop, which is all i have. he allowed me to get internet in when my mum died a few years ago but doesnt like me using it other than for things like internet banking etc, i only use it in morning before he gets out of bed. thank you for caring and have a lovely day love gran
21st April 2020 at 10:34 pm #101433
Hi gran just wanted to make sure you delete your history when searching online. Sadly living with abuse makes us into very secretive people.
22nd April 2020 at 8:55 am #101459
dear iwantmeback, thanks i will try to do that love gran xx
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