Help

[Statshine]

I have had a light bulb moment where I have realised my whole long relationship has been a lie.
He’s only hit me a couple of times but daily name calling, told I’m useless etc.
I’m trying to leave but because he has spent so much there are joint arrears
I also won’t leave the pets I know I sound stupid but they are my children.

Any advice

[Anonymous]

Make a call here….https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

They can advise you of your rights, etc. Also try for free legal advice – https://www.flagdv.org.uk/

I am so sorry my love…….let me know how it goes here and ask anything you need to. We are all here to help you.

[Anonymous]

Also……..you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, (see Domestic violence and abuse – organisations which give information and advice for other ways of contacting them).

Helpline staff will do their best to find you somewhere safe to stay that night even if the local refuge is full. They are also happy to talk about any questions they have about refuges.

Regarding pets…….https://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-about-pets/

[Statshine]

I spoke to womens aid via the chat function
Spoke. To housing association
Then got documents together and left to go to a safe place
I am devastated that I had to leave them for now but I would have weakened had I not gone

[Anonymous]

I am so glad you did!! One step at a time and one day at a time… So proud of you! Please stay in touch here with us. Big Hug!!

[Statshine]

Thank you so much for your support
I have been amazed by the support from people irl as well blown away by it in fact.

Its one of the things they do to you isn’t it, remove your confidence and make you feel alone.

I am having wobbles so staying hidden away today, duvet and kindle.

I blocked all his numbers to try not to get sucked back.

[Statshine]

Aaand
He’s in touch with family and accusing me of running off (detail removed by Moderator)

After an initial panic attack I am furious and scared and confused

[Anonymous]

Furious? Yes. Fear and confusion? No. You know exactly what you are looking at here so trust yourself. Would you counsel anyone to take this from anyone? Of course not. So listen to your own good advice here. I wouldn’t expect him to do anything else but continue to lie. And the people that listen and believe it – that’s good to know and I always thank people like that if I have to see them again and say – Thanks for showing me who you really are! I smile and then they see my backside. And it is good to know. I welcome it. The sooner I see someone’s colors flying, the better.

Be careful about who you seek approval from. Make sure they are worthy of that position in your life. And that guideline changes with life and experience and so it should. We start making it more and more tight and concise. Life teaches. We have to be good students and “learn”.

Don’t listen to his noise or any of the others in cohoots with him. So what? Birds of a feather flock together, blah, blah. You just stay all cozy here, read, take care of yourself and remain with No contact. You have to train yourself now to do what you need to in order to take care of yourself, not him. You have to get your personhood back, it takes time. Have patience with yourself, ok? Just say no to the little gang of bullies he will surround himself and don’t even read anything that comes from him or them. Your brain needs flossing right now from all that!

[Statshine]

My response was of course that why I left nothing to do with the name calling, throwing things and beatings.

I then sent them screenshot of abusive messages.

I then started to feel guilty, then angry again and finally had a sobbing fit.

[Anonymous]

It will even out but you have to stop engaging with people that truly don’t matter. You will never ever ever make people see that don’t want to in the first place. It’s like pouring water over a parched desert. Conserve your energy for you. You’ve been in this stew pot for long enough now where you expect a different result by doing the same thing. So now, it’s time to break habits and that takes work so don’t be afraid of some hard work, since of course you’ve been killing yourself over time here working to make him happy…..so I think just maybe you might be handle to this, yes? 🙂 You’d be surprised at how much less work it takes to do this and how big the reward is for that wonderful effort. But you can’t keep going back and forth in your own head. Let the big sticky ball of yuch Go and stop messing with it. We just love to put our fingers back on it and try and work it out and make sense, don’t we? It won’t happen. It’s insanity so you have to drop it and never touch it again. Every time you do touch it, you will get immense pain from it so we have to let life teach us and not resent it, okay? Yes, the iron is hot, don’t touch I used to get told and of course it was so shiny I didn’t believe my grandmother and I touched it. Didn’t do it again.

[Eggshells]

Wow, you seem to have come an awful long way in a very short period of time. Your ex is never ever going to tell people that you left because he was abusive. Please be careful who you trust with this information though. Experience has taught me that it can go very badly. These men can be incredibly manipulative and turn your claims of abuse against you so that people think you are mad or over sensitive.

If people want to believe that you’ve left so that you can pursue another relationship then let them believe that. They are not worth sharing the air you breathe. Your true friends will know you well enough to know that he is lying.

You have done so well to get this far. The hard bit now is to disengage completely from him even if it means having to block mutual friends,

[Statshine]

Your both right it is the need to understand.
So why did this happen to me
Was anything real
Was he ever nice or was it all pretend.

I have to get about (detail removed by Moderator) years out of my head, break a lot of trauma bonds and keep strong.
Could I go back I have wavered but then good friends and here stop that.
Now to teach myself how not to care.

[Statshine]

It’s also not as quick as it appears.
4 or 5 years I have been stuck in the cycle, trying to escape, not trying to escape.
(detail removed by Moderator) years the cutting off and isolation started.

What made me jump was a series of things within a couple of days.

So
Screaming throwing things obviously not as ill as pretending

Nasty abusive messages ignoring me, more screaming threats

(detail removed by Moderator) he came out, and was fluffy with the dogs. I just knew that we were going to suck me back in and the bad bit was escalating so got out

[Eggshells]

Good, you did the right thing. It is hard to not care about what others think. If they know us and still think badly of us, are they really worth our care? Easier said than done though, I know that.

[Statshine]

Thank you eggshells that comment really resonates.

I am in a safe environment my friend keeps reminding me about this.
As I am still in the cycle I keep minising but this time I sent the messages to friends, refused to stop talking to people and this means I have here and people who keep reminding me how bad it actually was.

My pets still hurt though

[Statshine]

Failed to block email
Had a long email talking about sorry, will her help the animals are missing me etc
Drained

[Anonymous]

Statshine, I would feel the same with my pet. I hi have children but he is my little bit of extra love. I hope you’re doing okay and in a better place now xx

[Statshine]

Thank you Turtledove
I’m tired
Currently stopping myself from responding to the email that did the job it was supposed to of making me feel guilty.

If he was going to get help he would have done it before.

I know the animals are upset, I left them I carried on leaving despite the fact that they were upset

[Anonymous]

I had to leave (detail removed by Moderator) of my rescued pets when I left my last (detail removed by Moderator). Broke my heart. But I had no choice. I couldn’t bring them out of the country to where I was going.

Whatever can be used against you, will be used against you. We have to make the hard choices.

[Statshine]

I think I need to look into trauma bonds more

I know what he’s doing, I know why he’s doing it but still had to stop myself from contacting and had a bad day.
As you can see sleep is elusive today

[Statshine]

Just had a call from the support team and I am being allocated a support worker

[Cantmakedecisons]

This is great news! Well done x

[Statshine]

Who was useless
Had a nasty email
Now got the shakes

[Anonymous]

Good news about the worker being assigned to you. I wouldn’t be reading any of his emails to you. In fact you need to block him. You need to have no contact because he is still able to wind you up here and you have the power to stop that. You need to. Whatever he has to say he can say to your solicitor. You can’t have one leg in his life and one leg not. You make a step forward and he sabotages you. You do see that, right? This is a prime example of that. He’s keeping you off your balance.

[Statshine]

I’m crying again Braelynn.

Yesterday was a sloppy sorry I will try better button push email
Today’s was vile abuse

The support worker was useless she suggested here and that was it
She is referring me for. Counselling which will be useful.

I think I want to relocate I think back to my home city.

I’m so tired and I feel like I’m a drain on everyone as I am so up and down
X*x

[Statshine]

Also minimising
Have lost my whole life

Who am I?

[Anonymous]

If I were you…….I would move back to where you have support. Absolutely! I have moved several times in my life when things were just sooo ugly with family or whatever. I’m like – want me in a box where you can reach out and touch me?? LOL! Oh I don’t think so. I’ll go live in (detail removed by Moderator) to get away from you pathetic useless forms of something called life.

And I did. And it was the best thing I ever ever did. Think you have me in a corner? Think again.

It was also better for their wellbeing as well because me on a night of reflecting how “they had hurt me” wasn’t a good thing for them to be in close proximity. So yeah, they can thank me for that one.

Move! And I know all about people being useless when you reach out. It’s hit and miss. Been down that road a few times with whoever. Now when times are tough, people are over worked themselves soo, I get it. But you have to fight for what you need here too. So do you have good family and a support system to move to? Can you do that financially?

[Eggshells]

At @statshine I understand how you feel. It does feel like you have lost everything but you are still there. You haven’t lost you, the core you is still inside waiting to be rediscovered.

Take time to grieve for everything that you have lost, then start to find you, the you that is natural and the you that you want to be.

Hold on to what you do have. Hold on to your family and the love that they give you. Hold on to the essence of you. xx

[Statshine]

Thank you both.

I am close to one of my siblings and I would want to be close to there.

I have friends where I am despite his best efforts but it feels tainted.

I hope I’m still in here somewhere, I’m so up and down all the time

[Anonymous]

You are still in there….or you wouldn’t be – here…

Sometimes it’s good to write down what your self critic is saying in your head and really look at it. Examine it. Most of the time what that nasty little voice is saying – isn’t your voice at all. It’s someone else’s, maybe alot of someone else’s. So if you feel all tense and tormented when reading what’s being said then you know there is something very illicit about it.

For one, if you’re such a horrible person then – you won’t be asking – am I this or that because n**********c people don’t care. Bullies don’t care. You’d never pose the question – IF you are guilty for this or that? Wouldn’t happen. They don’t do that.

For two, you have an authentic person in there who really really really hates being lied to. You want to know why you have sooo many earthquakes, your body going cuckoo and your whole self just exploding? You being exhausted and confused all the time? One big reason is – “you” are sick of being fed Bull poop. Your true self is going – what in the world are you feeding me and why??? You are rebelling against it and you don’t see it that way. Self critic says it’s all you so there you go.

Truth doesn’t make us twirl around in a frenzy. It might hurt but it also heals at the very same and calms us. There’s a peace about it. So when you feed yourself lies, via your little self critic or whoever else you allow to do that, you’re going to vomit, you’re going to get sick, you’re going to revolt inside yourself because it’s not truth. It’s not lifegiving. It’s Lies. Weird we don’t trust our own inner voice and intuition, right? It is our very best friend so not sure why we beat the stuffing out of it all the time and tell it to shut up and go away. Weird. Self sabotage and all that. We’re really not the brightest bulb on the tree when we do that.

We can correct it though. No time like the present. Weird too how we look at our earthquakes and then say SEE??? How stupid you are?? Wow, we can’t get a break from ourselves, can we? Time to unscramble the scramble here and see what’s truly operating.

I tend to just go in with a bulldozer and level everything and then go about looking through the rubble for clues later. If I get to the point of plowing it under however, I usually have a truckload of clues already. If a house is that messed up and falling apart, my first inclination is to destroy it and build again. sure, I like to know what went wrong but I am a brat and while I have gone around with a notebook and examined everything to death while it was still standing, it was fun and all that but – it wasted alot of my life doing it. I’d much rather see something really messed up and go – eh, just plowing it under because it’s rotten from the foundation on up. That I can see. Been putting paint on the pig for far too long so, do bring in the bulldozer. The pig is still a pig and not a poodle. Pull it down.

[Statshine]

So
Yesterday spoke to social services, gotta message from his family asking about nonsense that I was strong about and received an email in the conciliatory begging tone threatening to take the dogs to the dogs home

I breezed through and was fine.
Today the housing association I am joint tenant with and support worker have called and I haven’t answered.
I need an ostrich day. I need it to all go away so I can think.

[Anonymous]

Hi Statshine, how are you feeling today? X

[Anonymous]

Yes you do and good girl!! You’ve done well!! Just keep plowing and absolutely take a breath and a breather, you have to in order to keep going and keep on track. One or two things a day and just keep these pests at bay. Don’t bite!!

[Statshine]

Been bad today I lulled myself into a false sense of security by yesterday being such a good day.

So today I have, emailed my housing team back to ask for a few days and stressed I am safe. This was fine.

Not so good, had a sob, ordered and sent cat food to old house following looking at an email I shouldn’t have.

I passed out this evening for 3 hours so I think I am just worn out.

Yes looking at the email was stupid.
No point in causing more pain

[Anonymous]

Sending a virtual hug Statshine. It will get easier. Maybe when you have your cats back too that’ll be a sense of comfort for you. Tomorrow will be a better today xx

[Statshine]

Had lots of sleep
So I’m feeling a bit better today

Its like a roller-coaster

[Anonymous]

Sleep is good Statshine. Everyday will be a milestone, but it will get more bearable. I wish I could be in your position now, on the other side lol xx

[Statshine]

@Turtledove
Its not easy love but I am already feeling a lot better.
Yes I have bad days where I’m shaking and crying but they were more frequent with him than now. I am slowly learning that you shouldn’t have to remake food for people, everyone doesn’t want to check where you are or who your talking to so they can not talk to you for a week and then send you nasty messages.

You will do it when you are ready.
Here really does help.

[Anonymous]

The forum really does help Statshine. It’s helped me so much over the past few days. Reading others experiences has opened my eyes up even wider. But you made it and you should be so proud of yourself, you are now officially a survivor! You are not someone’s servant or verbal punch bag. You are you and in time you will find yourself again. It’s going to take time for all of us because the inner damage cuts deep. But for now you should get to know you again and solely focus on getting to know yourself again Xx

[Eggshells]

It might sound odd statshine but your posts are telling me so much more than you are actually saying. Look at you, the real you is emerging. You are understanding your own needs and doing what you need to do to get through the moment. Your inbuilt empathy is finally starting to work for you – someone who really deserves it!

You’re still beating yourself up by calling yourself stupid for reading his emails. That’s not stupid, it’s natural. I don’t know why we do it but we do. If it’s there your curiosity makes you read it.

I took the drastic measure of changing my email address. A bit of a faff but worth it. I now have peace. He’s blocked on my phone, he can’t get to me.

Your pets are a huge loss for you. Do you have a plan about how to deal with this?

[Statshine]

@eggshells I needed a few days off, I basically passed out last night about 8am and bar a couple of up periods slept till midday today.

I’m hoping to be able to use the email as evidence to help get them fostered until I am settled.
I still don’t know whether leaving here and going back to original city is the right idea so going to use my visit over the weekend to help me decide, or not, I am learning that I don’t have to deal with stuff right now I can try and breathe.

All days are not this positive but when they are it really highlights the abuse and the change in me.

I’m safe where I am and have been told the couch is mine for as long as I need it.

We are trying to reprogramme me so when I get defensive and start explaining myself we are gently telling me why I don’t need to.

I’m hoping to heal and my friend told me today that there are signs I will be ok, I have laughed, cried and had more anxiety attacks than I can remember but it’s a purge and I can’t rush it (still trying though)

@Turtledove, you will get there when your ready, speaking from my very recent view it will be something small that normally wouldn’t bother you and it will be a click on your head.
Keep on here, keep safe, plan much better than me. Xxxx

[Anonymous]

Statshine it sounds like you have a really good friend there that is going to help you regain your confidence and self esteem. I can’t wait to be closer to my mum, my god have I missed her! Laughing is good too, once we stop smiling and laughing that’s when they broke our souls too but I refuse this part of me to be taken.

When your having a bad day, just think about that day that gave you the push to leave. I’m really close to leaving and today I needed to remind myself of why I couldn’t stay because it will never change or get better. Just reading posts on here have awoken me even more, I thought my story was bad but compared to most people here, my story is mild.

You should definitely take one day at a time and deal with things when you feel okay to do it. There’s no rush. Finding yourself again is more important. Everything else will come after. You should keep posting here too and keep reading, this has been like therapy for me. I can’t believe by finally talking how much better I feel xx

[Statshine]

@Turtledove
It really never will
We are a possession not a person. Just talking through some of the stuff that has happened to me and seeing other people react reminds me of how wrong it was

You too.
Xxxx

[Statshine]

He has had the dogs put to sleep

[Lisa]

Statshine,

I am so sorry to hear about your dogs. From your posts it was clear how much you loved them.

Keep posting to us when you are able to.

Take care,

Lisa

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

I have just read this entire thread this morning for the first time. I see that you first posted on 10th July, so only two and a half weeks ago, and your very first post mentioned you wanted to leave but were worried about leaving your pets. I’m so sorry to read your last update and how devastated you must feel.

Your ex is an extremely evil and abusive manipulator and has shown at what lengths he will go to in order to punish you for leaving him. He is dangerous. One of the Risk Assessment questions is “Has the abuser ever hurt the family pet(s)?” An answer of YES to this question always puts the risk up.

Do you know for sure the dogs have been put down? Have you had this confirmed by a vet? The reason I ask is because unless the dogs were ill then it’s unusual for a vet to euthanise a healthy dog. If the dogs had ongoing health conditions and your ex has decided he ‘can’t cope’ with them alone now that you have left him that is slightly different, although still devastating.

You mention cats in your posts? My concerns are now for them? Is he threatening to do the same to them unless you go back to him?

You mention he has sent you some vile emails. Depending on the content of these, if they are threatening, grossly offensive or obscene, then these will fall under the offence of Malicious Communications. Has he threatened to have the dogs put down unless you conform to any requests of his? If so, then you may be able to report this to the Police to see if there are any offences he can be arrested for.

I would certainly consider reporting your abuse history to the Police, and to mention that within a few weeks of leaving him (fleeing him actually as you left urgently by the looks of it without being able to make arrangements for the safety of your pets) that he has used a control tactic of euthanising your animals in order to inflict further pain on you. They may be able to use the offence of C&C Behaviour to arrest and prosecute him, especially if there was evidence of that when you were living together and you have evidence that you feared for their safety when leaving him.

This man will stop at nothing to punish you and hurt you for leaving him. Please call the Police and report your abuse history and see how they can help you.

[Statshine]

Can I get a quick divorce or do I still need to have his consent?
Anyone know about housing starting to think I should try and get him moved instead of running away

[Author]

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