Help

[ImFeelinglost]

Hi everyone I’m new and a but nervous, i posted a couple of years back that I have been with my now ex on and off for many years 3 kids together it’s never been a normal relationship he cheated before we had kids, I use to go out all the time had lots of friends had a social life but slowly he would make comments about friends make out they were using me and he was all I needed to the point I had one left he would disappear for weeks not contact me ignore me, tell girls we weren’t together and the kids weren’t his that I was a s**g pretty much anything bad I was. It got to the point I became house bound because I panicked constantly in crowds he would always message women get pictures but tell me it wasnt cheating it was just fun. But if I spoke to a man it was different and I was a s**g he couldn’t trust he didn’t like me going out so made it awkward instead of saying I couldn’t go. I literally had one friend left but now I have no friends or family, only adult contact is him. he said he never cared about me but had made mistakes and was going to stop going out and start paying money to the house and let me have a night a week I could see my friend and that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me so I took him back and we moved forward then I found him cheating again, getting photos receiving them with more then one women said it wasnt cheating as it wasnt physical he went to there houses but nothing happened and I was making it up all in my head and I was trying to control him and stop him having friends. I forgave him but found another girl same again he said it wasnt like that my last friend I have left called him a bully so he called the police and banned her from my house. Took him back again as he did the I’ll change i love you then (detail removed by Moderator) didn’t see him he was sleeping with someone else. Came home a few days after and said he wanted to move out to his mums to clear his head couple of weeks later found out he was doing same again but it got physical. Said I’m stopping him having friends and going out as I said I want him to change because I love him with all my heart and do want it to work but then I have no life he wont have the girls unless he is at my house he wont do over night he said he will just have them here if I want to go out but still wants to know all the details but if I message him when hes out I’m nagging and controlling him and spoiling his good time. I literally have no friends no support and I am doing everything while he lives the life he wants and turns it on me when I say anything and says he likes the way it is now I honestly dont know wht to do and I know he will just work his charm and it will just stay the same I know I need to leave but I dont think I will ever get a life back as he has dragged my name through the mud I have no one and he said he feels sorry for the next man I trap like I did him so I dont want to talk to anyone I dont know what to do or who to turn to for help.

Nothing has changed he got in trouble so I took out some loans to help him then he moved out to his mums , but he just comes when he wants all his stuff is still here, he won’t sit and talk he just says he’s busy, when he does come round he just sits on his computer or his phone messaging girls and if I ask he just says he’s a people person and I shouldn’t stop him from having people. He comes up some times for 20 mins usually if I don’t answer my phone then disappears for days. Every time I ask if we can talk as I know it will never change I just get I’m busy or ok will sort something. He says he will have the kids but then says oh I will have the older 2 while you do food shop so I still have my youngest and never get any me time. I know I need to put my foot down but don’t know how.

[Darcy]

My beautiful Angel …Imfeelinglost,
Well done for posting … do not feel nervous here, this is somewhere you can truly be yourself and will get supported.
From reading your post, I have to ask you, why is this man even in your life… he is bringing you nothing but pain and misery … the only thing he is bringing you is down!
Please please please my darling get this man out of your life and take back your power. You are allowing his bad behaviour by even entertaining him.
Every time you engage with him you are telling the universe you don’t deserve anything better than his cheating ways, and you so do
Put something in place with your children and have no more contact with him.
Through your time with him your self love, self respect and self worth has completely diminished and I urge you to please start to look at your needs and give back to yourself. Once you start to do this your boundaries will start to strengthen and it will start to become easier to tell him that the way he is behaving around you is unacceptable.
I recommend reading Louise Hay – You Can Heal Your Life or downloading it on audible, also Youtube any of Iyanla Vanzant’s videos online
You will not get out of this pattern of behaviour until you invest in you… even if this seems difficult to start with do one thing every day just for you … and if you are really struggling to do it for you then do it for your children, it is not healthy for them to be in the middle of all this.
You will cannot change him, you can only work on changing yourself and by doing this the possibilities in changing your life are endless
I understand because I have been there
Get back your power and get the life you truly deserve, the one you are living is not it
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[Empoweredhealing]

Hi, I think you have tolerated his horrendous behavior for so long because deep down inside you still hope that he would some day give you the love and respect that you deserve. The problem is he can’t and never could. He doesn’t have it. So to break out of this pattern, you’ll need to start giving yourself that love and respect. Once you do, you’ll see that a relationship with him is a dead end. It always has been.

[Daff]

Hi there are similarities in our experiences with the photos and messages to other women. He would say nothing physical happened so it wasnt cheating but in the end he would be out every night. Im not with him anymore and it was hardest thing i have done leaving, i had no friends. Now i live with my children and have 2 friends but, some days are ok and others are really hard,but coming home and him not being here, not being blamed for everything has made such a difference. You have the strength within you. You are worth so much more. Everything takes time and i think talking to people, the doctor etc will help. Unfortunately I dont think people like him will ever change no matter how many chances you give

[Bonnie]

I feel exactly in the same situation. My husband is extremley horrible to me, nice during the week as in his words he has to be as he has to go to work, whatever that means!but come Saturday evening it starts, i’m called every name under the sun, everything is my fault, he threatens to top himself, says the most hurtful things and seems to get pleasure when he makes me cry,we have tears then next day or so where he says it will change, he’s a failure, i’m better off without him, he promises it will get better, it never does. Tells me everything is my fault, says he has depression but refuses to get help. I told him i want to seperate and him to move out but he never does anything about it. I feel trapped in this unhappy, unloving marriage and can see no way of resolving it, i dont want to be with him and just want out of the situation

[ImFeelinglost]

Thanks everyone, feels like I’m hitting a brick wall and don’t know what to do, he came up (detail removed by moderator) and I said we need to come to an agreement with the kids you need your stuff out of my house, long story short he just said well ill just come here every other weekend to see them and I’ll (detail removed by moderator) … end of convo got no where and just ignored me after that. I don’t know why he just won’t take his stuff and go he agrees we aren’t together etc but I can’t start to move on with him still hovering in and out when it suits. He has so many friends and family that he drags me through the mud playing the victim but I’m the one paying his debts (got them in my name), bringing up our kids and picking up the pieces. I literally have no one and i tried to mention to his mum about kids going there she just said why do I think I am worth something.

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