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    • #140431
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I am now at a stage where I wish I had never told anyone about it. Had gone back home and just put up with it.

      I am now alone and friends have disappeared. Confided in people I shouldn’t have done. Constantly wondering if deep down these people don’t believe me and think I’m too sensitive just like he said I was. I know much of what happened is emotional and financial abuse. At the very least constant name calling, being told who can /can’t come to the house and when and being made to tell lies that he wished me to tell I can see is coercive behaviour. All control over major financial decisions even down to where we lived was his. Asking if I can have the heating on etc.

      The intimate stuff I struggle with greatly still to some extent believing it was my fault and I was just too sensitive.

      I am now in a position of trying to work again. Albeit only an hour at a time. I’m worried that my path to work will be blocked unofficially by gossip saying I had a nervous breakdown (I was told by health professionals I had a physical illness exacerbated and it was potentially caused by severe stress – not a nervous breakdown). I wasn’t in good shape with the illness but my mental health took a severe downturn when I told health professionals what had been happening.

      I have been blanked by one request to volunteer with no reason or response and as I need a reference to get the next one I’m worried it will be blocked also. If I can’t get back to the work I love and could do I don’t know how I will survive.

      I suffer from severe anxiety.
      I worry what people think of me all the time.
      I worry through 6 degrees of separation that people know about what happened and will doubt it as he was so charming.
      I’m told that I am too much at risk to have therapy or support.
      To say I have difficulty seeing a future or find it hard to get through each day is an understatement.

      The thing is he could be kind and mean well as long as he had complete control.

      In all honesty I wish I had never left (and my health and mental state were a serious risk) as the uncertainty and constant worry of the future and surviving is almost worse than the abuse. That’s why I stayed for decades. I’m disabled and in great daily pain and so it’s seems like an impossible mountain to climb.

      When will it get better? I am not divorced and I have left with the clothes on my back and he has manipulated my adult children to turn against me. They are as indoctrinated as I was.

      If I don’t want the relationship with my children to suffer any more I have to let them have it all financially.

      So I have to survive alone and of course work, but it seems impossible. I have not lived in my home for almost (detail removed by moderator) months and officially separated (detail removed by moderator).

      What can I do to get rid of the anxiety and worry about work at the very least? When will it get better?

    • #140457
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Dear Controlled,

      I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling. You are not alone in having doubts about having left, many other survivors have shared this, particularly when life becomes overwhelming with the practical stresses of money, work etc and the huge emotional toll of having been through trauma. I also recognise that having input from professionals can make you feel that your life has been further taken out of your control. So I do acknowledge all this and your feelings are valid. However I will try to encourage you that this can change. Over time (no set time I’m afraid) you will start to gain more control of your life and start to find ways to cope on your own. I’d suggest starting small, trying to find one thing each day that helps you feel slightly lighter, whether it’s sitting outside or listening to a relaxation recording, whatever suits you. Then try to limit tasks that you have to do, like admin tasks to one a day if you possibly can. With regards to your work I’d suggest building it up slowly if you have the ability to do so. I know this is all easier said than done but there is light at the end of the tunnel, recovery from abuse is a long journey but many women on here have shown that it does get easier over time. Going back to the abuse would lead to more pain and ill health. You’ve done the right thing, for a reason, keep going one day at a time.

      The MIND website has some really good ‘Tips for everyday living’ and ideas to help manage anxiety, it’s worth a read.

      If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

      Keep Posting,

      Lisa

    • #140471
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Controlled

      If it helps any little bit, approaches to companies for all kinds of work/volunteer roles, often result in zero response. I don’t think thats you, thats on them. I hope you can find somewhere especially if you feel its going to be a great benefit to you to do an hour here and there. I completely understand how helpful that could be. Many roles are over-subscribed and responses unless in the positive go without event. Its a very poor way to go on and gives a poor reflection of the company doing it.

      Its far from easy what you are doing, in trying to recover, and not getting support because of not yet being in a safe space. Its so admirable that you are seeking work activities in such circumstances. Awesome.

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #140477
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Hey there I wanted to reach out.
      Im still here putting up with a daily amount of nastiness controll name calling etc its hell and i hate myself each and every day for not having the courage to leave. But you did and that takes so much guts its unreal.
      Its going to take alot of time and love to get you feeling ok again so you gotta be kind to yourself you are doing a great job dont ever doubt that.
      I volunteer and it took me 3 attempts to get on the books then weeks of waiting now i volunteer twice a week and i also get paid twice a week.
      I suffer from anxiety low self esteme i self harm my god im a mess but work gives me just a small piece of me back i have to fight my husband every single day to be able to woek bit I do it because its important to me.
      Dont give up keep trying with it the right opportunity will come along it really will.
      Give yourself some much needed love and support try some affirmations each day to empower you.
      If you feel able reach out and get some help in dealing with what you have been through talking thinhs over with a proffesional can really help you settle your mind.
      You are doing a great job sweetie just believe in yourself xxxx

    • #140480
      searchingforhope
      Participant

      Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. It is a rollercoaster for sure.

      Please don’t take the lack of response re volunteering personally. that is on them as @twistedsister said not on you. Don’t over think it, I know that can be difficult though.

      Contact Women’s Aid to talk it through and get some extra support for yourself.

      Go easy on yourself, you will get through it. Minute by minute, hour by hour. You can do it, you’ve come this far.
      Be kind to yourself, you’ve done amazing so far.

      Sending you strength and love x*x

    • #140490
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      The people you reached out to and vanished, good riddance, they weren’t your friends. And even if they were at some point, this is a new chapter in your life and it’s ok not to take everyone from previous chapters with you. As others have said, one step at a time, like Lisa suggested do one task, or one activity like sit outside for 5 mins and build them up, will all give you a boost of achievement. You don’t want that life back with the abuser, remember the awful times. You got this x

    • #140830
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thank you for your replies.

      The problem with the volunteering is that it involves working in an area with safeguarding issues. I haven’t done anything wrong but my partner would be verbally abusive to my daughter in her late teens (over 18) and I worry that because I have a marker on my home and I haven’t prosecuted that I would be deemed not to have behaved in a professional manner in my private life. Not making good choices by being with an abusive man. I’m not sure if it would affect my ability to work in my given field and if I can’t do that I will have lost a career I worked a lifetime for.

      My friends just ring me when they want something eg advice or work knowledge
      Or they don’t return calls

      I had a healthcare worker promise to ring me this morning to check I was ok and they didn’t ring. There is no response to counselling assessments I have done.

      I am sick of what my life has become.

      Every day brings a new stress.

      My family in particular are getting tired of my worrying. I’m alone so much and the children I brought up don’t want to be saddled with a mother who is ill. Yet they are financially secure and have their health and their families intact.

      My biggest worry right now is my chance of finding and holding on to a job and passing the medical with all the stress going on in the background

      Health professionals are pushing me to volunteer and work which I understand as it’s good for independence and less time to dwell . But physically and emotionally I’m a wreck.

    • #140831
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I confided in a past work colleague and I will regret that for the rest of my life,

      • #140836
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        Hi Controlled

        What occurs to me as I was reading that about the area of safeguarding, and your decisions around your own circumstances potentially creating an obstacle to getting back into your area of expertise, via volunteering, is maybe there are refresher sessions, or additional training you can undertake to pass through any obstacles beforehand? Would that be another possible route to bypass your own circumstances?

        You truly understand how hard it is and how much doubt exists in an abused woman’s mind either initially, or sporadically, but it does sound like your previous role could be quite a challenge to go back to when you say you are still feeling ‘a wreck’ as you put it. I hope that there will be some way of you easing back in, with some additional support/training to start that pathway again, it can do so much to grow your confidence.

        I am sorry you regret divulging personal experiences with a past worker, its something that comes up as a topic a lot on here, its a very tough call when going through such horrors as to who to reach out at a time it can be difficult to even know which way is up!

        warmest wishes

        ts

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