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    • #82687
      Instability
      Participant

      Hello everyone, am new to the forum. Please I need help and advice.
      I’m on a spouse visa in the UK and I live with my husband and son but they are both British. I came with my son to join my husband in the UK (detail removed by moderator) and I have spent most of the time crying and feeling lonely bcuz what am going through is not what I hope my marriage would be. At first I thought it bcuz am new in the country and I think things will later on get better. The moment I came with my son, my husband changed totally, acting like we’re not welcome, we live in a one bedroom apartment, before I left (detail removed by moderator) he promised that we will move to a more spacious apartment, but the day we arrived he said we won’t be moving anymore, that we have to manage , I don’t really mind so far we live happily. He started giving us different attitude, like keeping to himself, like making jokes with him and ingnore me. He started saying things like my son would have been happy staying in (detail removed by moderator). He didn’t have sexual intercourse with me, I started to think if I have done something wrong to him. He didn’t show me to go about things in this new country, I don’t know the kind of baby food to give my son after the one I brought from (detail removed by moderator) got finished. My son was (detail removed by moderator) when we came. I believe as children should be able to explore, like talking different stuff and playing around, but he started telling me that my son is hyperactive, that is behavior is not normal bcuz he plays around, that he should sit down in a place. I started getting scared thinking my son is sick. I called home and ask my Mum if my son is truly sick, but she said I shouldn’t mind him, that is normal for a kid of that to play much. He would never talk to me unless I tried to create a conversation and sometimes he w would avoid it. I started calling friends and friend advice me to go to him and beg him to tell me I’ve done anything wrong. So I went to him and beg to tell me if I have done something wrong, but he said am not the problem that he is going to get help,I was confused,I don’t understand what he is talking about. I even beg him that night to please touch me and he said no,I felt embarrassed. He doesn’t take us out, he prefers to do this alone. For some months I can’t go out with my son bcuz I don’t have money to buy a new pushchair for my son. He got a pushchair of £(detail removed by moderator) for him at first, but my son do fall off it and I was embarrassed. So I waited till his child benefits to be paid into my account, and I applied for a credit (detail removed by moderator) to get a new stroller. Sometimes we don’t know where to go, I don’t know how to go about things,no one to put me through. I feel lonely, the only person I communicate with is my son who just (detail removed by moderator). I always depend on my son’s benefits. I went to him one day that my hair is getting damage that I don’t know where to make it,I don’t have money and he said to me to cut it off, I felt bad for that statement, and I told him that if he loves me he wouldn’t say that and he replied me asking “(detail removed by moderator)”. I cried that day. I started thinking I’ve been seeing marriage in a wrong way. His phone had a problem one day and he told me to check it out for him. On reviving the phone, I discovered he has been chatting with different girls. He was telling one of his ex girlfriend that he still love her and told another girl that he miss seeing her private part on their video chat. I cried that day but I couldn’t tell him what I saw bcuz I don’t want him to send back to (detail removed by moderator). So I backed those messages to my email. I saw a conversation with his brother, (detail removed by moderator) Sometimes he acts as if I irritate him. I will go to the mirror and see if something is wrong with me. He would go out with his friends and brother leaving me and my son at home. I would cry and feel neglected whenever he leaves. The funniest part is he is much older than me and I have never for once cheated on him. I will call my sister at home asking if am good enough to be seen with him, maybe bcuz I have a child, my sister nothing is wrong with me, that he is the problem. Despite everything am still nice to him, I tried to make jokes with and I regret doing that most of the time. I saw his chat where he paid a lady for showing her the picture of her boobs. I still couldn’t confront him so I snapped the chat on my phone. I had beg for money from my sister and a friend before I could get clothes for me and my son. Sometimes he would say hurtful words to me and say he is joking. He called his friend that he is not happy when he is at home, that he’s thinking of getting a new room near his work place. He asked his friend how he can divorce me and friend said he can only divorce me in (detail removed by moderator). So his friend asking him to tell me to take my Son back to live with My Mom in (detail removed by moderator), so that I can come back work in Uk. I don’t want to live without my son, I don’t want to take him to my mum bcuz she is not in good condition to take care of him, she has a high blood pressure that she got from the way my Dad maltreated us. Am scared ,so I called a friend and explained everything to her, so she gave one of her friends number here in the UK, maybe he will know what to do. So I called the line and I spoke with the person,I told him everything and he said what am going through is emotional and psychological abuse and that my husband doesn’t want me again, he said I go to the local council for help with accommodation and move on with my life, that I should stop begging for his love. I located the local council and when I got there I was told they can’t help me that I should go to the social services. So I went to the social services and talk to someone on the phone and I was told that they will call me back or I should call them back, but am scared to call them back bcuz I read it on line that they can take my Son from me. I also went to the citizen advice and talk to someone and gave the national domestic violence line to call, that what am going through is emotional and I need support since I don’t have any friends or family here. But I don’t want to call I don’t know if it is really abuse, since he doesn’t hit me. I really need help and advice on what to do,I don’t want my son to grow up and thinking this is the right way to treat a fellow human or think this how family should. Plz I someone to put me through. I don’t have any I can’t talk to face to face.

      Thanks.

    • #82690
      KIP.
      Participant

      Don’t be frightened to ring the helpline or contact your local women’s aid. They can talk to you about his behaviour and confirm it’s abusive. They can offer all sorts of advice with no pressure. There’s a book called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It’s a good book to explain domestic abuse.

      • #82697
        Instability
        Participant

        Thanks KIP. I will take the courage and call them up. I was only scared because he’s British and he has more power than me and nobody might believe my word over his. And I also think I shouldn’t have contacted the social services first, now am really scared because I don’t want them to take my Son.

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