HELP – Doubts and can they change

[selfish]

I am so close to getting away. I’m just waiting on a house. I’m walking away from the family home with 2 kids. I am so certain I’m doing the right thing…BUT, he is being so nice. It’s been like this for a few weeks now. Can they change, or is this an act. Nothing has been spoken about, but I am sad and withdrawn, and trying to just act normally. Why is he making such an effort. I just want it to go back to what we are used to, so I can stay strong for how ever many weeks I have to stay. The guilt of what I’m planning is making me ill. He spoke about something needing doing in the house yesterday and I was sick, the guilt took over. We have had awful times, kids have witnessed it, but how can I go when he is being the man I fell in love with all over again.
Please give me support and ideas on how to ‘act’ normal so he doesn’t suspect anymore.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I feel for you so much as yes, it is part of the cycle of abuse… he has sensed a shift and is acting in a way which normally gets him what he wants… you wanting, hoping he has changed is very normal and youc an tear yourself apart with that push/pull.. you have said that you are sad, withdrawn… he has noticed your sadness and can see you are not happy but he doesn’t do anything about that… when I see even a friend who is sad/withdrawn I will ask if thry want to talk.. I can feel their sadness is what I am saying and your husband can see/feel your pain but chooses to not acknowledge what he has caused.

Leaving the family home is a big one… I am at that stage also, no idea where me and children will be.. but… I am still glad I left him, still relieved my children do not have to witness anymore of his disgusting behaviours… it has taken a few years, lots of support to move on and see the shitshow that was my marriage for what it was. My husband could also be so nice, kind, loving.. he had it in him to be a loving, human being, he also had it in him to be an angry, moody, controlling, abusive man in many ways… you have nothing to feel guilty for, you are doing the right thing .Trust tour gut
HfH ❤️

[selfish]

HfH, thank you! That definitely sums up pretty much how I’m feeling. Over the last few days some things have happened that would normally send him into a rage…but nothing this time. Not even his usual swearing and blame. Just nothing. Why now, why when I’m done is he suddenly not reacting to anything. After years and years of constant belittling and outbursts of rage over much less, now it’s ‘not a big deal’. I have guilt eating me up all day everyday and like your husband he suddenly has it in him to be kind and loving. It’s like I’m almost doing things to provoke a reaction, I just need something from him to show me he hasn’t changed. I know I’m done, and I know this is an act, I know it, but still part of me thinks ‘what if’ and I can’t stay on a what if, but I can’t leave either, I’m just stuck. I’m trapped here until I get a house, which could be next week, could be in 6 months, and 6 months of being strong and feeling sick from deceit constantly just feels too much. I just want to raise the white flag and give up. If it wasn’t for my kids he would definitely have won this round, my hope would overtake my fear and I’d stay. But it’s not an option with the kids, they need better than constant cycles of abuse. Even the fact we have to question the kindness should be telling I guess. At the moment the guilt seems to overshadow everything and honestly so grateful for everyone here guiding me through it, and, as awful as it is we are living it, being able to understand and sympathise is such a help. I just hope in a years time we are all in a safe and happy place.
X*x

[Glasshalf]

Hi,
I’m going through a similar thing. He’s being reasonably nice right now.
I’m not really acting normal because we’re sleeping in separate rooms but I am watching TV and chatting about the kids and stuff with him in the evening.
It’s probably not supporting my message of “i don’t want to be with you anymore” but it helps me feel more calm.and not in a constant state of stress. Which i also need to get through this.
You can do it. You really can.
I wrote down my goals in a calm period. It helped me to keep focused on what i want. Maybe that could help you too? I wrote down both short-term and long term goals. You kind of allude to it with your safe and happy place.
Hope you’re doing ok. Hugs. X*x

[selfish]

This is such a good idea. I know myself the crash of disappointment when this nice period ends will be awful, but I’m also starting to wonder if this is a competition to him. Who can hold out the longest, so I’m going to let him believe he’s won this battle, because I just know in my gut, at some point I’ll be punished for this period of nice. It’s so true about doing what you can to get through this period. I have to cope until housing comes through, and I can’t live with the constant guilt, I need things to return to normal, but knowing I have an escape. We can do this GlassHalf. X*x

[Decagon]

This time of calm with your abusers, is the dream they sell you, the dream they know you desperately want. I have no idea why they can’t just be this way all the time……..but they can’t, because it is not their truth!!

It is exceptionally confusing, feels far more unnerving, scary than the yelling and screaming they do. I think this is because we are constantly waiting for the mask to fall away, and the angry, vicious, reality to return. Usually without warning, or reason. He just is.

Stay strong, hold onto the thought –

I am doing the right thing.

It is the on phrase that powered by ability to both leave, and then stay away.

In my case, and more than likely many others, no, they don’t change. Sorry ladies, they don’t.

[selfish]

I’ve had an up and down weekend. He is the attentive kind dad to the kids, and although full on rage has not happened to me, there has been a few moments I’ve been a little concerned. Again he is using sex to almost condemn his behaviour. I feel like I’m waiting on an outburst, but I don’t know if this is a normal amount of time between or whether he is trying to rein it in. I know he won’t change, and I know if I don’t go when I get the chance I’ll forever regret it, as the current support I have in place may not be available again. It doesn’t stop the overwhelming guilt and sadness I feel. I so want him to be different, I don’t want to leave the family home and break apart the family, but I also know I have to. The fear one day he will loose it, or his road rage will kill one of us is driving me forward. I know the road ahead will be hard, I can imagine he will try everything he can to belittle me, or take my kids away, but I have to trust the process and believe it’s for a better future.
Decagon, your honesty is exactly what I need to hear. The people in my life that know seem very unwilling to say one way or the other…always ‘do you feel he’s changed’ or ‘you need to decide’ and I just need confirmation that I am doing the right thing. I’ve blanked out so many instances in the past to focus on the good, as I believed this was my life, that now I question my recall of events. Years of being called a liar makes your question if you are 100% sure the events happened as they did in your head. Xx

[Glasshalf]

I feel like i could have almost written your last message word for word.
I used the live chat over the weekend and it was really helpful. Here is a
They can be very manipulative and convincing you that things have changed but then it happens again. He can still be the kids father without being in a relationship with you.
This is your life and you should live it with someone you actually want to be with.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
I hope this helps you!
Repeat this over again: I deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Hold on there! You can do this! X*x

[selfish]

GlassHalf, thank you so much for your support. How are you getting on?
I am hoping for a blow up soon, I just need that validation of how bad it can be. I know I’m away to blow up his world and I try to not let that guilt consume me, but it does. I want him to have a relationship with both his kids, however he has a rather strained relationship with the youngest and I wonder if the oldest may start to resent the control/fear he wants to have over them (occasionally, or he can be easy going and fun!) When I get away, we will have rules, but consistent rules, that still allows them to make mistakes/have accidents without the fear of repercussions. We won’t always have to ask for permission to go somewhere.
Do you hope to meet someone new eventually? I’m so worried about allowing anyone else in, that I’ve sort of resigned myself to being alone. It will take years to fully heal I think from what we’ve been through, and difficult to move on from future I thought I was going to have once I was a better person and less annoying. It’s so hard isn’t it. I know the consequences of being on the wrong side of my husband. I’ve seen it before with people who have annoyed him, and that was minimal next to what I’m away to do. He will do everything he can to ruin my life, keep control over me in some way, and the thought of handing over my kids to someone that would love nothing but to hurt me is terrifying.
Your messages and support is honestly helping me more than you can believe. X*x

[Glasshalf]

Hi, I’m so glad to help. It sounds like you have some great ideas about how to manage life with the kkds once you are out. You’re obviously a great mum who cares enormously about her children. They will thrive in the right environment!
You should hold on to that, too.
I’m a bit worried when yiu say you are waiting for a blow up, do you have a safety plan in place?
Make sure you have everything you can to protect yourself.

Thanks for asking about me. I’m in a kind of grieving phase. I’m mourning everything that we could have been. So I’m bursting into tears regularly.
Today i asked a close friend, one of the gentlest, kindest people i know if i should give him a second chance and she just said “no”. It was liberating for me because i don’t think I’m capable of making decisions so easily on my own.
I’m also gearing up to talk to my parents about it.
Talking has helped me. I now have friends and family checking in on me every day. It helps me stay strong.
And i fully agree with you, i don’t think i will meet anyone new for a while. I don’t know how i could trust anyone. I will focus on the kids and me. Having fun and rebuilding ourselves.

I’m sending you courage and strength. You can get through this.
xx

[selfish]

Aww, that’s so kind of you to say. I live for my kids and I just want them to have the best life. Unfortunately at the moment (well fortunately but doesn’t help with leaving) he is just being so nice to the kids, and me, although still get the daily mocking and insults given in a joke way, but he’s being gentle with the kids so that’s hard to see. Feel like he is using them to play his game in a way, as they will expect this all the time, and that’s not going to happen. I just keep waiting and waiting for the niceness to stop. I’m too far into making plans to leave to back out, but it’s hard and I just keep hoping for something to happen so I know it’s all an act. Leaving at the moment would be impossible as I’m still wanting him to be happy. His happiness used to be what I strived for every day, until I didn’t and suddenly he is acting the way I wanted him too for such a long time.
I’m just so glad I’m able to vent here, and be reminded that he won’t be this way forever, and an abuser will always be an abuser. When I read about the trauma bonds, that is me. I constantly made excuses for his behaviour. I would lie to people around me, protecting him. I would never tell anyone the reality of what happened behind closed doors, as I didn’t want people to judge him. Here is the only place I can be honest, as I know that the understanding of why I stayed is here and you guys get it. To spend a huge part of your adult life being controlled by your partner, always asking permission and being reliant on them, to suddenly break away and make your own decisions when it’s been drummed into you daily how you wouldn’t cope without him is hard. X*x

[Glasshalf]

The kids will thrive because you love them. He will still be there father even when you are no longer living together. By leaving, you will be sending the right message to them about what type of relationship is acceptable and healthy.
I also didn’t tell many people about my partner’s behaviour but he actually often spoke to me badly in front of others. I spent years making excuses for it (illness, family death, work issues). But this does not excuse his behaviour.
So even friends who don’t know about his intimidation, manipulation and financial abuse are telling me that they think I’ll be happier without him.
I also feel incapable of making decisions without him and am now relying on friends and family to help guide me. The control won’t last forever.
I’m going to repeat this. Leaving your partner is the best thing you can do for your kids. You’re strong, you will get through this.
The eruption will come. Try and use the calm to plan and prepare. It will be harder when you’re in the eye of the storm. Xx

[selfish]

Thank you GlassHalf for your support and honesty. I think I’m feeling overwhelmed as I’m trying to sort through all my belongings, as I know if I don’t get them out now, I won’t see them again. I don’t have a lot as most of my things are seen as junk and the space was more valuable for his things, but what I do have is of huge sentimental value, and I know once I start taking them out of the house the reality of what’s happening will hit home. Plus all the kids stuff, but not knowing when a house will become available it’s hard to even start organising.

Yes, that’s exactly how I feel about the control thing, this is the biggest decision I have ever had to make, and I’ve never been trusted before to even make small decisions. I think today I’m just feeling a little deflated, I’m struggling to get up and do anything. I want his niceness to stop. I don’t deserve it when I’m planning all this behind his back. I’d almost welcome being shouted at or ignored as that’s what I’m used to. I do something bad or against what he had said, and I suffer the consequences. That’s what I know, so making all these decisions behind his back, I feel like I’m the abuser, lying and taking his efforts for granted. I’m hoping today is just a bad day, but as always thanks for being here. X*x

[StrongLife]

No they do not change. I too waited for them to change yet it was I who changed just like you have. Be careful. Stick to your safety plan. Protect your kids.

[selfish]

StrongLife, I needed to read this today. I am feeling so sad today, like I’m trapped here now as I can’t see a way to leave when he is being so nice. It’s so much harder as he knows my reasons for being unhappy and changed himself to everything I said scared me. I’m not happy though, this is all I wanted a couple of months ago, and now I don’t see how I can go on having a lifetime of this, for me and the kids. I wake each day hoping today is the day he’ll be angry, today I’ll have the perfect reassurance and reason to go, and every day I’m overwhelmed by sadness when he pushes himself to be nicer than the day before. Like a game, the sadder I am, the nicer he is, and he is winning. I don’t know who I am. Did I dream the anger, he is a stranger to me, and now I feel like the abuser as I can’t give him the happy ending he wants. X*x

[Bananaboat]

What about the happy ending you want?

He’ll actually never be happy, nothing will ever be enough. You’re playing a game you can never win staying. The sadder you get the happier he gets as he’s ‘winning’. They aren’t wired like us. x

[selfish]

Bananaboat, this is exactly what I need to hear. I feel very selfish about thinking about me and my happy ending, as I know he thinks I should suck it up and stay. It’s all about him. How it will make him so in happy, how he wants to have the kids at home, how I would be betraying him by leaving. I don’t think once he has given a moment to ask me what I want, or why I’m sad. I feel trapped and suffocated, and at the moment I’m living with a stranger as I don’t recognise this person he is being. Even a family member thinks we should be able to sort it out as all families have up and downs. I doubt myself now, like have I focused on the bad times, were they that bad. All I know at the moment is I’m so grateful for my children. If they didn’t need me, I don’t think I could go on living like I am. X*x

[Bananaboat]

I felt guilty thinking about me first, mine threw all that ‘what about me’ stuff at me but when I thought about my kids – that they only get a handful of Christmas’, birthdays, holidays and we only get a few years to enjoy them but then every one is ruined by the man who is supposed to love us, it was another help.

[Doodlelover]

My husband has abused me on and off since we met, it’s usually emotional abuse however he has had a drug problem and has physically abused me when on drugs in the past by pushing me around, pinning me down by my neck (detail removed by moderator). I left and then found out I was pregnant with my first child and he told me he would change and not touch drugs again, (detail removed by moderator) he flipped punching me repeatedly in the arms legs and stomach whilst holding our (detail removed by moderator) and he hasn’t been home since. I have found out he was on drugs when he did this to me and he says he doesn’t remember and it was almost like a blackout. He promises it will never happen again (detail removed by moderator) But how can I trust him again? How can o put my children at risk? How would I know it wouldn’t happen again? I just hoped for some advice on whether people can change. I can’t live in fear of it happening again, you only live once but I just don’t know what to do 😢

[Hereforhelp]

Doodlelover,i can feel your sadness 🥲 he knows what he is doing as you have told him… How can he promise not to do it again if he claims to not remember? Even if it was a blackout, you have told him and there’s no excuse for him to put hands on you.
What he is doing is against the Law, you wanting to leave is not a crime.

Trust your gut and keep posting

HFH ❤️

[Bananaboat]

Lovely I spent years blaming the drink and drugs, but it’s just an excuse. He chooses to take them/not get help. He’s not attacking random ppl is he, not he’s somehow with it enough to only hurt you…

Once the trust has gone, it’s gone and even if he wooed you off your feet, you will always have one eye looking over your shoulder. Look at his actions – ignore the words, what has he done to get clean, fix his problems and become the kind of man you deserve? that person you saw at your lowest is the real them, stay safe x

[selfish]

Doodlelover, I’m hoping someone with more experience of drug abuse might be able to help. However, I don’t think you can ever guarantee this will never happen again. It might not, or it might escalate if something sets him off? I wish I could tell you if they can change but I genuinely don’t know. I have based my decision to leave on how I feel. Not any what ifs in the future. And it’s hard, trying to stay strong whilst he is actually showing me some respect. But I know I still fear him and I don’t think it will ever go away. My kids are at an age now they have witnessed things that kids shouldn’t see, and it affects them.
What you have been through sounds horrifying, have you spoken to anyone to support you? It can’t be easy with this going on and looking after 2 very young children. Keep talking and asking questions, it all helps. Sending you hugs x*x

[BlueberryField]

I personally think it is just an act. I left my partner once and after I came back he was like a completely different person for 1-2months, he was extra helpful, would offer to do things at home he would never do. If I was cleaning something at home he would stop me, take everything away and do it himself. Until he saw I got a tiny bit comfortable. I was never asking him to do anything or wasn’t acting in any mean way towards him or using him. Just once he saw that he slowly started shifting towards the old him and not long after it was back to the abuse again. And it just keeps getting worse and worse.
I don’t believe they are capable of change. Only thing they are capable of is just pretending for some time as if they have changed, but they haven’t and never will.

[selfish]

BlueberryField, are you still with your partner? How are you coping? my head is saying he hasn’t changed. He has been let go from his work due to aggression, and this is a constant occurrence, and now it doesn’t even shock me anymore. I hear him telling people his side and I think he actually believes his own lies. My heart wants to believe for the kids he has changed, as they will be so disappointed if he returns to his old ways. X*x

[Camel]

Hi Selfish,

Is the slate truly wiped clean by a couple of months of tolerable behaviour? He may be treating you a little better but it’s meaningless if it comes out of the blue in the same way his rages do. Your happiness should not depend on his happiness. You’re still watching him like a hawk. He still controls your state of mind.

You must take care of your own emotional well-being (and that of your children.) Is this selfish? Yes, of course it’s selfish to prioritise your own interests. But it’s good-selfish. It’s necessary-selfish. And not totally selfish when you’re thinking of the kids’ interests too.

It’s normal to have feelings of guilt but these are false feelings as you haven’t done anything wrong. He should feel guilty and ashamed, not you. Don’t give these feelings too much space in your head. Likewise, ignore well-meant but inept and damaging advice from family and friends. It’s probably best not to go to them for advice or tell them what’s going on – could they take his side? You need strong supporters only in your corner.

[selfish]

Camel, thank you for your honesty and for helping me see the bigger picture. Thinking about it, I can never trust that he won’t lash out at me or the kids again. Has he ever hit me in a rage…no, but on the other hand he has pushed me, slapped me, towel whipped me, pinched my (detail removed by moderator), spanked me all in ‘fun’. I’ve had things thrown at me in a rage, and countless items of mine have been broken. My things are worthless. He’s ruined pretty much all special occasions for me, or my friends and family. As well as the control and gaslighting. This house is his castle, and we are to treat him with respect. So you are right, the slate cannot be wiped clean just because he’s decided to act nicer. He isn’t helping me more, still expects everything to be done for him. But he is at least speaking to me like he would any other person, like an actual human. I know I’m not happy, I don’t actually like him. We have completely different views on life and raising children. I tried to change to fit what he had wanted, but I think all it’s done is harm our children. I think it’s hard as family members see the nice caring side. They don’t see the side I see. It’s confusing for everyone as I’ve hidden the abuse for years and years. I’ve gone along with his narrative and never wanted anyone to see him in a negative light, for fear of repercussions. I always felt I was so lucky, and if I hadn’t been so annoying we would never of had those fights. I was always grateful to him for putting up with me, and for not being a cheater or an alcoholic (I have previously dated both). I do worry that I’ll struggle to cope after I’ve left as for such a long time I’ve had to ask for permission to buy or do anything. He’s looked after all aspects of our life. I’m so grateful for you and everyone in this forum for taking the time to reply and give me the confidence to leave. I would have lost my confidence a long time ago. X*x

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