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    • #64324
      Peppermint
      Participant

      Hi, I’m new. It’s taken me a while to believe I was in an abusive relationship. Over the past (Detail removed by Moderator) years it’s only been name calling, pushing, grabbing, throwing things, smashing things. Recently though he bit my ear. We were (Detail removed by Moderator), we’d shared a bottle of wine with a meal, I’d told him to f**k off about something thing and went to bed before things got nasty. He then came in whispering insults in my ear whilst I was laid in bed trying to sleep and bit my ear. I screamed, woke our children up and all hell ensued with him telling me to leave the next day, telling our daughters I was nasty, conniving, evil etc. Me and the girls ended up cowering in a bed together crying until he calmed down. He apologised to us all but once we were back home said we should separate. I’ve found a house to rent, paid a deposit, told him I’m going and the girls will be coming with me initially but happy to share their time with him when sorted. After being angry he’s now begging me to stay, says he’ll get counselling, anger management help etc. Do I believe him? Do I give him another chance? Do men like this change? I left once before because I witnessed him treating our eldest daughter like he treats me, and he was self harming and I couldn’t take the blame for that any longer. I thought he’d end up killing himself if I carried on winding him up. He talked me back that time, (Detail removed by Moderator) years ago now. Can he change? Is it that serious as abusive relationships go? My 2 youngest girls adore him. It will break their hearts leaving.

    • #64325

      One thing you really need to know is the following:
      If you are putting up with this abusive relationship then when social care come knocking on your door. (Detail removed by Moderator)

      (Detail removed by Moderator)

      So regardless of how you feel towards your ex. These feelings are a luxury.

      Do you want to keep your kids or not? If you do, get out and get help NOW.

      ftc
      x

    • #64327
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please ring the helpline on here for advice or find your local women’s aid. Sadly these men never change and I’m sure you have given him chance after chance after chance. You need to go no contact with him. That way it will give your head a chance to clear from the fog of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. Please carry on with your plans to move out. Once you’re settled elsewhere and you have help and support you will see just how dysfunctional nasty and abusive he really is. No he won’t change. He will get worse and he will drag you all down emotionally, mentally physically and probably financially if you don’t get out soon. Keep posting for support. You’ve been brainwashed and programmed into staying with him. He’s made you think the outside world is the scary place but in reality it’s living with him that’s dangerous and scary. These men are most dangerous when we try to leave so don’t tell him your plans. Get out safely with your children and only deal with him through a third party. I know change is frightening but you can have a wonderful abuse free life for you and your kids. Abusers stunt our growth. Heduce our achievements and set us up to fail. Then bask in our failures. Nasty selfish dysfunctional men x

    • #64329
      Peppermint
      Participant

      I’m shocked. Really shocked. That has really hit home. I think over the years I’ve got used to how our relationship is and unsavoury behaviour becomes normalised. I’ve spent years wondering if he’s abusive or not. And when I’ve broached it with him he’s said I’m the abusive one. The bit about being an irresponsible mother really hurts and is upsetting. I never thought of it like that. I’ve always thought I’ve protected them, put them first, to the extent that he gets jealous. I’m proud of our kids, they’re fantastic people but to think I am facilitating the abuse somehow by not leaving him is awful.

    • #64344
      Anabela
      Participant

      I am sure you are doing the best you can to be a good mother to your kids. But the part you cannot control is what they see and how he treats them. And they see everything. And it is even worse if he talks in a same way with them too. There is a good book “When Daddy Hurts Mum” by Lundy Bancroft. I think this author knows his stuff and his books on abuse are amazing.

      By the way, it is very typical for them to blame us for being abusive. Mine said the same thing. That I am psichologically abusive towards him. that he has no choice but either be a dictator or let me dictate. And things like that. They always twist things around….

    • #64348
      lost
      Participant

      For gods sake. You dont need to be told your an irresponsible mother. Im in your situation and quite frankly its only the last few weeks ive accepted that his behaiviour is abuse. He stll calls ME the abuser stonewalling / gas lighting etc. Financial control because i was the bread winner. He has made my life hell for the last few years and affected it dramatically for a few years before that. Stll i stayed. Still i watched my children being affected because when your staring at the alternative of dragging your children to a refuge or renting (Detail removed by Moderator) and taking them away from their dad. Their things and their home…whilst constantly questioning if you ARE in the wrong. Is it me? Did i do this..?Am i crazy? Am i the abusive one?

      Abuse is trauma. Trauma clouds our thinking.they dont call this crazymaking behaivour for nothing! Im not surprised the seeds of doubt set in.

      Yes i understand why you would ask the question and why you have doubts. But dont look back. Just go. He bit your b****y ear!
      Your trying to do right by your children. I dont think your being irresponsible taking the time to look at your situation and check. Stop. Think. Before you rip their lives apart. Thats not irresponsible thats called being a good mum.
      BUT …youve asked the question and now you have to listen to the replies. The final decision is yours and whatever that is i will certainly always be here to support you wether you stay or go. Pm me if you need. I wont judge…i am you!
      But You know what we are all going to say. Get out. Do it now. X

    • #64352
      Confused-and-alone
      Participant

      Please please leave. I tried to a few weeks ago and he begged me for another chance said he knew he had taken me for granted and that he would change and make things better. I didn’t really believe him but I stayed anyway because I couldn’t take the guilt. The love bombing lasted less than a week, two weeks in to trying again I was physically pushed out of bed and made to sleep on the sofa for saying he was drunk, and now I’m in the same position as I was before I tried to go only I have a lot less belief in myself that I can follow through and actually leave.

      P.S. you sound like a fantastic mother to me.

    • #64356
      Itwastimetostopit
      Participant

      Hi it’s so scary this moment your in but you need to think about yourself and your children.
      He is not your responsibility. The guilt is awful but it goes.

      You have done well in planning
      Please be careful though it’s now that could be the bit where you are most at risk.
      He’s losing control over you

    • #64357
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi peppermint, youre right about normalising the behaviour and I can see you’re even minimising it to. When you say ‘it’s only been name calling, pushing, grabbing, throwing things etc. Even one of these is abusive and if he had done it in the first date you would run a mile however abuse creeps up on us. Like putting a frog into warm water then slowly turning up the heat. If you put it in boiling it would jump right out. Don’t be hard on yourself. I stayed for decades thinking I was doing the right thing by my son. It’s only when you have the chance to see clearly what is really going on that you can make that decision to leave safely. There’s a good boot called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Educate yourself on abusive men, you will see everything in a much different light x

    • #64359
      maddog
      Participant

      There is also plenty of stuff on Youtube. (Detail removed by Moderator) These men (usually men) are masters of their craft.

      My children adore their dad as well. It’s very difficult. I hear from people I know that they’ve seen him with his usual face of thunder out with them. Although they’re old enough to understand, I the younger in particular behaves towards me in a very passive aggressive way. I so hopes she develops the insight to see just how horrible it is. It’s hard to watch.

      You have made tremendous steps in getting somewhere new to live. Please seek as much real life support for when you make that move. Do not hesitate to call the police if you are ever afraid of him.

      There is no time limit on reporting abuse. It can take time to build a picture and it can help to make you safer.

    • #64366
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Peppermint,

      Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear of the abuse you are experiencing from your partner. It must have taken such courage to plan the steps towards leaving as well as posting on here. Well done- you are doing brilliantly. As already suggested please reach out for support from your local support group or by speaking to the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) for safety planning and to discuss all of your options.

      It is natural to question the abuse and if he can change. However it is unlikely abusers will change in the long term. It is important to remember you are not responsible for him or his behaviour; you did not cause any of the abuse and you and your children deserve to be able to live abuse free.

      You are the only one who can make the decision to leave but we will be here for you along the way. Is the rented house still available for you? You have already taken huge steps towards leaving which shows you are putting your children’s safety first.

      Please do keep posting to us when you can.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #64443
      Peppermint
      Participant

      Thank you to everyone for your advice. I went to see a support worker at my local women’s aid (detail removed by moderator). It was very helpful but also very frightening and upsetting as the realisation that I have been enabling his abusive behaviour towards our children somehow. The support worker said I was on the borderline of her having to start the MARAC process. I’m not quite sure what MARAC is but I gather it involves social services looking into the suitability of both parents to provide safe and loving care for their children. This has really frightened me and made me feel responsible as well. I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to wake up to this.

      What’s making it even more difficult is that my husband is extremely remorseful and upset too. He’s doing an on line course for abusive husbands and is going to see the doctor. He’s apologised repeatedly to our eldest daughter and me. He’s desperate for me to give him another chance. He’s even not pushing me for sex and has promised he won’t kick off even if I tell him I’m still leaving. There are tiny cracks though that I can see, like him saying maybe it’s not as bad as im making out, that our eldest daughter said what I said wasn’t true,that he can’t live without me and he’s not sure what he’ll do, that he hates seeing me play happy families with my son whilst he’s feeling so upset. Am I being unreasonable spotting these things and thinking they’re signs he can’t change?

      We’ve got a big family weekend this weekend with all our children coming to our family home for a celebration. I don’t want to tell him I’m moving out until the weekend is over so it doesn’t spoil it. See – it does sound like I’ve decided to move out but then the guilt sets in and I start wondering all over again if he really is going to change. The house is still available to rent and whilst I can’t afford it I think I just need to break away ASAP before it’s too late.

      Any advice more than welcome. Thank you x

    • #64444
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please please go. Take that house while it’s there. Tell yourself if you’ve made a mistake you can always go back but once you’re free I’m certain you will never want to put yourself and your children through the same again. Any changes in him are temporary and designed to hook you back in. These men are liars. Do not believe a word he says to you. Do not tell him you’re leaving. Get out safely first. He gave up any right to be treated reasonable the very first time he abused you. The emotional abuse continues by his guilt tripping. He is not your responsibility x

    • #64453
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Peppermint,

      I just wanted to show you some support. I very much echo KIP’s post. I am afraid that he is just trying to manipulate you to keep you under his control. Please go safely at this time, don’t let him know that you are thinking about leaving imminently, perhaps just be non committal and say that you are just still considering things as if he realises you are so close to going he may well escalate and this could perhaps make things worse for you and your daughter. I would be tempted to go today, before the family celebration but this is your choice and I understand that you might not want to cancel these plans at last minute. Don’t let him know you are going until you are gone and if you can keep your address secret then all the better. You have done amazingly well with seeking support and planning your escape to freedom and we are all here for you.

      Good luck, go as safely and as soon as you can.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #64744
      Peppermint
      Participant

      Thanks again for the advice and support. Sorry to sound like a broken record but I’m still very unsure about leaving. He’s being so nice and reasonable, (detail removed by moderator) . He doesn’t believe that I can move out and we can still work on our relationship. He knows this house I can move into I can’t afford in the longterm without help from housing benefit and that I’ll have no money so keeps dwelling on that. I’m scared I can’t manage on my own.

      I’ve told him I’m extremely worried about the effect or relationship is having on the children and whilst he doesn’t seem to think it’s that bad he’s promised me it’ll stop. I really want to believe that he can change. We’ve been together a long time.

      Help and advice needed please. I have to tell this house I can rent what date I can move in today or let it go. Feel like I’m burying my head in the sand again.

    • #64746
      KIP.
      Participant

      Go go go. Take the house. Financially things will settle down long term but it never will with an abuser. He’s playing mind games. Telling you how you won’t cope. That’s him playing on your confidence and self esteem. Google the cycle of abuse. These men are master manipulators and liars. This might be your best chance for a long time. If it makes it easier tell yourself you can always return if you have made a mistake but you haven’t.

    • #64749
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Get out. With distance it will be much easier to see that he is still manipulating you. My partner was also very remorseful when I discussed leaving. But once I left I realised all he had done was switched from his anger being my fault to his sadness being my fault. I still had to walk on eggshells to avoid making him more sad. Him being sad was all consuming. Me going out without him made him sad. Me not making the dinner he wanted made him sad. He played it like he was feeling clingy and I was so very understanding. It took getting hit again and moving out for me to process that this was all an act. Don’t let that be your route out.

      I would also add that if social services are involved, there is evidence that he is abusive and you don’t leave you could end up losing your kids. They will do all they can to keep you with them, but in the end you could be seen as choosing him over the kids and they could end up in care. I don’t want to frighten you, but I do think that you should take this into account when you are considering whether you should leave.

      In the end, I don’t think he will change. I know my ex wouldn’t have. Even if he could change, and maybe he can, he was so used to me jumping to his every whim that he was never going to accept a more equal partnership. He had things how he liked them and he expected me to keep them that way.

    • #64755
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Peppermint

      I just wanted to add my support to all the support you are getting here. If the system were properly supportive of women in our situations we wouldn’t have to rip children from their home, nor would social services blame us for his abuse. The look at the vulnerable mother, instead of using their powers to remove and chagre men for their abuses.

      So, no, you are doing what you can, they forget that you are under these abuses too and expect women to suddenly be in control of the abuser.

      You have said so many true words, ones that we’ve recognised, and been shocked by because this has become your normal like it was ours. A man that causes ABH to his partner while she lies is bed is a monster, and no, not loving.

      As a mother and partner could you ever see yourself committing such an horrendous act?

      I think no,but please don’t take a house that he knows of. It may be someone’s that he knows!

      Keep posting, sendin you huge strength and hugs for your decisions. This is not easy, so don’t feel bad, your are doing the best by your children that you can with severely limited choices to be safe.

      We are all here for you love…warmest wishes ts

    • #64757
      maddog
      Participant

      You are doing so well, Peppermint. It’s not a journey most people would choose. However, there are some really really fantastic people to guide you along the way and support you when you fall. You won’t hit the ground as there will be so many people to catch you.

      A referral to MARAC is a good thing. It means that all the authorities are on the same page to keep you and the children safe.

      Try not to worry about managing. Again, you will be guided to people who can help you with your benefits, financial management, the whole thing. You will manage far better than you imagine on your own. My ex hoovered me back again and again and again. The final straw was when he condoned my daughter’s attack on me and screamed at the family that it was my fault and I deserved it.

      I’m sure you will move soon.There are so many wonderful people who will hold your hand on the way. Thinking of you.

    • #64758
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      🌷💗 maddog

    • #64762
      Peppermint
      Participant

      Thanks once again for your advice and support. He’s promising me so much like doing the house up, giving the kids extra special birthday parties. He even took us shopping for new clothes for the kids yesterday. – we paid for them out of the joint account but he would normally say they don’t need new clothes and would moan and shout at me for buying them anything.

      I know I need to leave him but feel sick thinking about it. I will have to talk to him tonight as he’s waiting for my answer and I’m dreading it. Ive told the rental agency I’ll go in tomorrow to sign and pay the rest of the money so I can get the keys. I’m not worried about him getting at me whilst I’m in the house as I’ve picked a house surrounded by people who will notice any altercations. He likes the outside world to think he’s an upstanding member of the community.

      The thing is, everytime I’ve tried to tell him I want to move out its like he’s not listening and somehow it gets sidetracked. Instead he focuses on all the negatives of me moving out and all the positives of us staying together. I will have to take a deep breathe and try again. Its so scary. I left before (detail removed by moderator) without telling him and it was a nightmare. I was hoping that telling him this time would make it easier. The joke is that he said we should separate in the first place, that I should leave, because I will never admit I’m at fault and I’m not prepared to change to make him happy. Then all of a sudden the next day once I’d found somewhere else to live he’d changed his mind. So confusing.

    • #64764
      Peppermint
      Participant

      Hello again, he’s sat downstairs now reading the on line freedom programme for men who want to change their behaviour. He signed up to it last week the night before I had a meeting with women’s aid. This is the second time he’s looked at it. He sits there a bit weepy and saying how sorry he is for the way he’s behaved and how ashamed he is. Is this real? Is he truly sorry and ashamed or is this an act? I have been telling him for years that he can’t behave the way he does sometimes – how come it’s only now he’s believing its wrong? Should I trust him?

    • #64766
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Don’t trust him. He is sorry, but only because he is worried he is losing control. No truly caring individual could do the things that he has done to you and not realise they were hurting you. It’s so easy to give another chance and another and another. My abuser had a huge flip in attitude to me when I moved out. I hadn’t realised that he had been abusive (even though he had hit me multiple times) and didn’t take the right precautions, so left for a trial separation in the desparate hope that he would change his ways. It was at that point that he switched from controlling me with anger to controlling me with sadness. It took me a couple of months, but I realised that he was actually tightening his control over me rather than loosening it. He was so sad that he needed me in the house with him all the time. I couldn’t meet friends. I couldn’t go out alone. In the end I couldn’t take it and left. It was only then that I discovered women’s aid and realised the extent of the abuse. It sounds like in some ways you are miles ahead of where I was. You know that he has been abusive, you have the support of women’s aid. And you are all set up to get your keys and move out. You can do this. You are so much stronger than you think. You have support here and from all the relevant agencies by the sounds of things. You can do this. You don’t have to discuss it with your partner any more than you already have. You can just do it. I know exactly what you mean about him getting distracted when you say you want to leave, and being convinced you are the problem. My ex did that too. It isn’t your fault you can’t have a straight discussion about it. You’ve tried, which was more than he deserved, and now it is ok to do whatever is best for you. I, like many others, found limiting contact with my abuser really helped to straighten my thinking. Can you take the flat, ask for a couple of weeks no contact to begin with and see what happens. If he truly has changed he will respect that and allow you your space. You can take some time apart and move back when you are ready. If he doesn’t respect it then you know he hasn’t changed and you are in the right position to cut contact entirely and start over.

      This is not unreasonable and the web advice I read for abusive partners hoping to change set out firmly in their opening paragraph that they weren’t to expect partners to stay even if they did complete the courses and change their behaviour. They had to respect their partner’s wishes, even if those wishes were to leave, and that doing the course didn’t negate the things they had done to their partners in the past. If he can’t accept this then he isn’t commited to changing.

      Just make sure you have all the support you need for the first week of no contact – I recruited a couple of girlfriends when I left and texted them every time I was tempted to text my ex. Coming on here helps too, as does talking things through with impartial listeners – the helpline, your women’s aid worker, Samaritans, your GP, and if appropriate family or friends. You can do this.

    • #64769
      lost
      Participant

      To answer your question ask this question…Did he change last time?
      I lay awake ever night and think am i making the right decision?. I know how hard it is. It goes round and round in your head. But if he didnt change last time why is now different.

      I really think if you have a chance to go then take it.

      Little story…
      (removed by moderator) Ive only just re-remembered this after reading your post which must have triggered something for me.. Id forgotten it because it wasnt extroidonary. It didnt stand out. Its my normal life. Dont let your life be this kind of normal. X

    • #64770
      maddog
      Participant

      Don’t trust him!! He’s a hoover maniac trying to get you back in! My ex wanted to do Freedom as well. They lie through their teeth. He will gather information to use against you. WA told me that my ex wouldn’t be allowed to do the Freedom Programme. By setting up the online option, he is lying. He is on an information trawl.

    • #64773
      Eve1
      Participant

      Hi Peppermint,

      I really appreciate how difficult it is for you right now. Leavng is so hard. We feel guilt, doubt etc. You’ve had really great advice here. I hope it bolsters your will enough to help you leave and don’t forget you can keep coming back here after you’ve left. I found this forum to be an absolute lifeline
      I just wanted to say also, the last thing you need to be doing right now is istening to him. Get away. As Kip says, no contact is the best thing to be able to listen to your own thoughts and truly draw your own conclusions. No, I don’t think you can trust him . Leave, and see how far he gets with changing his behaviour and working on himself then. Probably not very far.

      Love
      Eve
      x

    • #64778
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Peppermint

      This is him in panic, lyig through his teeth to do anything to stop you, in order to keep controlling you I mean.

      You are free to go without concern for him. Like you said, you gave him all those chances already.

      I really hope you have got your keys today and will be walking to freedom from him! For good!

      Of course he will act now, short-term, be extreme, any to prevent his loss of control of you. This is him losing his greatest ‘possession’ and he’s made you know that’s all you and the children are all this time. See how he knows exactly how should have been behaving al these years, but thats just not who he is. He is in control…please leave him safely, you hou can have no idea what’s going on his head right now.

      Warmest wishes ts

    • #64803
      lost
      Participant

      I really empathise with you peppermint because its my struggle too. I keep coming back to this post because you are writing how i feel. Ups downs is it right..can it get better?
      Peppermint it may be that he really does belive he will change. He might even belive he is sorry at the time But he WONT change and hell stop being sorry. If his behaiviour has been consistently bad and abusive then it will continue to be.
      If he wants to change he will move heaven and earth to do it when youve gone. He will know he cannot ask you to stay. Infact if he really wanted to change. He would move out.
      I really hope you get away and hope you keep posting.
      I hope what ive written has made sense….i dont know what im trying to say really…just in my head i find it hard to process that hes lying when he says hell change….so i just ignore it. I dont get caught up in if hes lying or not. I concentrate on what he has done and know that is enough to go. If he changes great for him. But could i continue to live with someone who has treated me so badly. No.no.no.
      I want him to change. I hope he does. But i know he wont. None of it changes that i need to go.
      X*x

    • #64836
      Peppermint
      Participant

      You all make so much sense and I really appreciate your replies. I haven’t gone yet. I don’t understand how I can feel so definite about leaving and then so undecided after spending some time with him and him begging me not to leave. Is my brain tricking me somehow?

      I’ll be honest, he really has convinced me that he’s changed. I sit listening to what he thinks now – his realisation that he just wants power and control over me and its wrong – and I try to work out if he’s that clever and convincing that he’s just saying it to manipulate me? Or does he really mean it?

      I do completely get losts point though – that even if he has changed do I still want to be with a man who has caused me so much pain in the past? Is it possible to forgive so much? I’m just not sure.

      He’s trying so hard with our children as well that the youngest 2 will not understand wht I’m taking them to live somewhere new whilst daddy is being so nice. It’s going to be very upsetting for them.

      I feel like I’ve lost sight of the bigger picture, of the major problem I was trying to extract me and the children from. I wish he’d be horrible and nasty to me so it’d give me a good reason just to go. I need a kick up the backside to see what’s going on for real again.

      Thanks everyone xxxx

    • #64837
      Tiffany
      Participant

      I would go with how you feel when you haven’t talked to him. He is so good at manipulating you that the way you feel when he isn’t around is closer to what you yourself think. Unfortunately he knows you so well that he will know exactly how to convince you to stay. I would also echo others here. If he truly had changed he would be letting you walk away and giving you your space to decide what you want to do, not putting pressure on you to make the decision he wants (for you to stay).

    • #64839
      maddog
      Participant

      My ex kept hoovering me back and I so wanted to believe him. Now when he’s being ‘reasonable’ I think of the things he’s said and done which were anything but reasonable.

      He’s been looking up ‘how to behave like a normal person’ but it won’t stop him being hideous. He’s already done that and they don’t change. It’s part of the cycle. Have you seen The Cycle of Abuse? I didn’t believe it for a long time and I couldn’t make it fit with what was happening to me. There it is, in black and white, and absolutely under my nose. You are doing so well to recognise that bad things have happened, and you are absolutely not alone in the wobbling phase! It is hard to believe that anyone can be so godawful.

    • #64840
      KIP.
      Participant

      Horrible and nasty is coming soon. Worse than before because you dared to challenge him. Come back on for that kick up the backside. I will gladly with love give it to you. I wish I could fast forward you and save you a lot of pain x

    • #64848
      maddog
      Participant

      When I was first told to get out fast, I had no idea what to do. I had no idea of the help that was available and I wore heavy duty blinkers. I was saying that my ex did x & y & z. I was being told that he was abusive and I blocked my ears and went la la la la la….. for years. It didn’t fit who he said he was and it didn’t fit what I wanted to believe. All those people were of course bang on!

      Please keep yourself safe. Keep a diary of everything that happens. The time will comex

    • #64850
      Peppermint
      Participant

      I had an appointment with my gp (detail removed by moderator) (I’m off work with depression and anxiety) and I ended up telling her my indecision about leaving and asking for advice. She said that on the balance of everything it’s probably best for me to leave and have space from him. I came out of there and phoned him straight away to tell him I was sorry but I’m renting the house and going to sign and pay for it right now. Somehow he talked me out of it. He keeps calling me now, saying I’m not in the right frame of mind to make such a massive decision, that I have other massive issues to deal with and I’m using this moving out thing as a smoke screen, that he’ll move out for a month instead and go abroad to give me space. Makes me feel like I’m making it all up.

    • #64851
      KIP.
      Participant

      They are liars and manipulators. Can you see how you make a decision then he changes your mind. That’s the kind of control abusers have. That’s why you don’t tell abusers that you are leaving. He’s going nowhere. Even your GP is telling you to go, yet you are vulnerable to your abuser. I know because I was once just like you. His opinion superseded all others. Thats dangerous and got me badly hurt. Anxiety and depression is how my abuse manifested in the beginning. Culminating in me being unable to work and now with long term PTSD. you can recover from a break up but abuse will affect you for the rest of your life. And your children. Take that leap. Bypass your heart and think with your head x

    • #64852
      maddog
      Participant

      You are emphatically NOT making it all up. My ex has caused a massive decline in my mental stability. It’s a body blow.

      My ex moved out only because he was advised by the police to go. By the time he eventually left I was terrified of him. KIP is so right that you will survive the break-up much better than the long term consequences of staying.

    • #64896
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      I can hear him through your words, the way he is twisting your mind, making you doubt yourself, your decisions, your ‘good’ and ‘wise’ decisions and I recognise the looking to him for answers. The wanting to know what ‘he’ says, what ‘he’ thinks because of putting his opinions/lies above your own truths.

      I did this, we’ve all been in that place of believing them over and over, all the time givng them higher power and impact than our own beliefs and knowing what is right for us. He há proved to you that he can’t be trusted, that he’s not talking out of love for you, but for his own selfish abusive reasons.

      We do this as a result of the abuse. We have been brain-washed to always know he’s right!! Even though he’s not, or we just have a different opinion. His is the important one, the one that makes sense, that shows he loves us….lies, lies more lies and its abuse!

      To have your own mind and thoughts, your own reservations about him. All the things you have said here doubting, hating and fearing his behaviours. You can act on your ow, you have that right to do what you want and to block him out, or he will live in your head for ever.

      Everyone agrees with you about your situation, we all think it’s wrong, you can be free of it, and its a fight to break free of, the mind control is immense, but you can do this, and we are all with you on this.

      Warmest wishes ts

    • #77533
      Peppermint
      Participant

      Hi,
      I’ve not been on here since my last problem but I find myself in a very similar situation again and feel a need for a kick up the backside to make me stick to my guns about separating from him. I have no one else to talk to about this so teally appreciate everyones advice and honesty on here.

      Nothing really drastic has happened since i last wrote, i stayed with him, he went to anger management counselling and we both tried couples counselling. I’ve returned to work and things, whilst still strained, were ok. But he found a couple of flirty messages i had sent to 2 male friends and this really upset him, understandably. I felt very bad and apologised but also felt he was over blowing the situation as he knows I’m faithful and loyal. (Detail removed by moderator). 

      We all went away, he was giving me constant nasty jibes when the girls couldn’t hear but I tried to ignore them. (Detail removed by moderator) we had a row as he was being miserable, refusing to talk to any of us, and generally in a very bad mood. After a few hours of arguing/discussing i was made to feel like a completely abusive wife and promised him (detail removed by moderator) (these were his exact words, even though he believed i hadn’t had affairs, he was more upset that he was portrayed in a bad light). I calmed him down, we explained to our daughters that all was OK and I’d done something stupid to upset daddy but we’d have fun from then on.

      Later that night, after the girls were in bed, he kept asking me to tell him the truth and even though i kept telling him i had and there was nothing else to say he started getting angry. He woke the girls up shouting and then when our eldest daughter told him to calm down and he was over reacting he verbally turned on her very nastily until everyone was crying. I tried to stop him, get him to leave, get us out, but he wouldn’t move. He ended up (detail removed by moderator).

      (Detail removed by moderator). 

      Since then he’s been remorseful, apologetic, upset etc. I’ve said continuously since then that we should separate because i can’t risk our daughters seeing that kind of behaviour again and I don’t want to drive him to such extremes again. He doesn’t want to separate.

      I’ve been telling him we should separate for over a week now, he said he’d move out this weekend but he isn’t going to. He isn’t listening to me. He thinks we can work it out and we’ll all be fine.

      I need help to make sure i keep to my decision of separating and don’t let him talk me out of it. I need to find the strength to leave if he refuses too. He went to far this time and even though he says he blanked out and doesn’t remember what he did, i dont believe him. How anyone can put their children through such an ordeal is out of my thought process and i will not condone it by staying with him.

    • #77538
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      An online course is no good, is it? He needs to be challenged face to face by experienced professionals and commit to change long term.

      You could tell him it’s good he’s sorry and wants to change and that you need change, too — some calm, safe space to recover.

      Tell him to work on himself for a year and then get a progress report from his group leader. Say you’ll read it with an open mind.

      If he gets all needy and says he can’t do it alone etc, it’s fair to say you have no responsibility to fix him or make him a decent human being: he alone must do that.

      Actions count here, not words. If you stay, you’re showing him he doesn’t need to change to keep you, aren’t you?

      Flower x

    • #77539
      KIP.
      Participant

      What he is doing is traumatising your children. This trauma will haunt them for a lifetime. I hope they’re receiving therapy. That (detail removed by moderator) could have gone anywhere and he remembers every minute. Contact your local women’s aid for a safe exit plan but do not tell him x

    • #77540
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi peppermint💞 you came on last year a little while after I had first started posting too. I just want to let you know that I’m still with my oh, things haven’t changed or they have for a few days and then it goes back to ‘normal’. The difference is, I’ve changed. I got the keys to a wee flat through WA recently, (detail removed by moderator). I move out very soon. I’ve been moving personal things into it as it is furnished too😊 I’m on the housing list for social housing, will get help with that too when the time comes. Please please, speak to WA again, let them help you.
      Love and strength IWMB 💞💞

    • #77541
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      This also sounds as if it’s your enough is enough moment. I had mine such a short time ago, I can’t believe just how quickly WA have helped. 💞💞

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