Help! I social media stalked :(

[colouringinfairy]

It’s been (detail removed by moderator) months since we split but from time to time (especially when I am down) I do a social media stalk. I know it’s so sad. I look at his brothers and mates instagrams. I look at his – even though it’s on private – just so I can see if he has made a new post (I can’t see what that post is though).

I am having a terrible day, our landlord has evicted us and we won’t be able to move into our new property until 4 days after the eviction so I am feeling stressed and anxious and what do I do?! Look up his social media. 2 new posts. Of what? Why do I care?!

Does anyone else do this? Please can someone tell me how you managed to find a bit of self restraint and stop! I know it’s not good, and even if the posts are with another girl (which I doubt they are), I should just be thinking “who cares what he is doing, at least he isn’t ruining my life anymore”. I’m waiting for charges to be laid against him for my assault and yet I am STILL doing stupid things like this – HELP! Driving myself crazy!

[Tiffany]

I don’t use Instagram, so am not sure how it works. Can you block/unfriend his brothers and friends so you can’t see them/don’t see them automatically? That’s a good place to start if it is possible. A lot of people also come off social media altogether. It’s probably a healthy route to take – I know I waste a lot of time checking it, even without the added unhealthy stalking issue.

I think it would probably also help to try and build new and healthier habits to replace the old ones too. The thing I found hardest was to break my habits of texting my abuser – I had several months before I could block him because I had a joint tenancy with him which took a while to sort out. It was much easier once I blocked him and deleted his number, but until I could do that I made myself text other people rather than him. Eventually that became my go to habit – if I feel the urge to text someone it is always one of my group of girlfriends now.

If you stay on Instagram can you collect a lost of people whose content you find inspiring and when you get the urge to look up him instead look up the people who inspire you? These could be friends or celebrities or anyone really – so long as they make you feel good.

It might also help to make a list of alternative ideas of things you can do to feel better, so when the urge strikes to contact you can go to a list and pick an activity, rather than come up with something in the moment. Sometimes as little as going and having a drink of water is enough to snap you out of the desire. Other times it might take getting out of the house or spending some time doing a hobby. We have to relearn how to self soothe once we leave our abusers, because they teach us that we have to go to them for love bombing – nothing else is worthy – and it takes time to relearn how to make ourselves feel better. If you can break the habit of looking to him (or social media posts about him) it will make things easier even when things go wrong.

[Camel]

Hi Colouringfairy

We all do things we know are bad for us sometimes, despite knowing full well. I’m sure lots of us have done the media thing so please don’t beat yourself up. It’s also completely understandable that while you have legal stuff going on he still features large in your life.

I wouldn’t class it as stalking, unless you’re using the information to go where he goes or if you’re messaging mutual friends (or him.) I don’t mean to frighten you – maybe someone else knows about this? – but could your searches count against you legally in any way?

Bottom line, you know you’re just adding to your pain with this behaviour and you’ve asked for suggestions…

You could try treating this as an addiction. If you were trying to stop smoking you might throw out all the ashtrays and lighters, avoid the pub and take up yoga. With social media the cure is to delete the ex, his friends and family. (Don’t block or hide – unfriend. It’s permanent on Facebook!) None of them has a place in your new life. Put them in the past.

Not everyone will have the energy to be sociable when they’re newly out of abuse. So could you find something else to do online that makes you feel happy and positive? Or how about something creative that you can take with you when you get your new place. You could read those books that you always felt too ashamed to pick up. You could go out walking (if it’s safe) and only go home when you’re ready.

Whatever you do, do it for purely selfish reasons. And don’t feel bad about books half read or abandoned diets. Remember you are only pleasing yourself. I promise you, the day will come when you won’t think of him at all. x

[Tiredone]

I did the very same thing last week and it completely threw me. I saw something that I didn’t like (a pic of him and a baby, is it his? I don’t know???) and felt physically sick all day. It is so much harder to cut them off when you have social media to drag you back in. My friend, and a couple of kind ladies on here, made the very good point that he probably posted that to upset me.

Also I agree with Camel, it’s definitely an addiction so you have have to go cold turkey and cut all contact. I thought I had done really well because we hadn’t been talking for three years but it turns out, checking their profiles is still a form of contact so I am now back on day three of no contact.

I was advised but a DV charity to not post anything to social media, especially my location, to take myself off the company website and don’t let friends tag me in photos. I haven’t posted anything since (detail removed by moderator) and it has been really helpful. I do get super paranoid if someone tries to take a photo of me and dodge all cameras. I am probably being too cautious but better safe than sorry.

Definitely block him and delete him on everything. Even things like Linkedin and Pinterest. Do it with his friends and family too because you don’t know if they are feeding him information about you. I need to block my ex on my work’s social media platforms (that’s how I have been checking to see where he is). I thought I was checking on him to see where he is so I wouldn’t be there but I never feel more safe after looking.

It is always upsetting to see your abuser getting on with their life when they have ruined yours. When you feel like checking, remind yourself it will be painful, the information won’t do you any good, and he’s probably posting things that he knows would upset you. Don’t fall into his trap like I have done numerous with my ex.

 

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