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    • #73531
      Overcome
      Participant

      I have had a really bad time lately with HIM, I confronted HIM a while back about some things I had found on his phone, when he realised I knew he completely flipped! Turned everything around on me saying how I was plotting with my friends to leave him how I have stolen all the time spent in our relationship as it’s been a lie. He did not once acknowledge what he had done just told me once again I was a psycho and needed help.

      I then received silent treatment for a long time, the longest time in fact.

      I went to counselling and was told I was a victim of coercive control, I have more sessions to go through to deal with any other things that could be affecting me.

      Since then I have been educating myself on (detail removed by Moderator) and abuse and on the most part it fits HIM to a tee!

      I have been using tactics learned to not react to his gaslighting and manipulation. I have seen many attempts over this time and I have completely ignored it. Only communicating with him about the children.

      This has led him to become amicable again, then it led him to ask me what i was doing with my life. This is where the confusion starts. He finally wants to talk about things I thought…

      He spends the whole time telling me what I have done wrong and how he has been doing this and that and the other to try and make things work but I am holding onto the past in a negative way. He couldn’t acknowledge the way he speaks to me is wrong, he knows I am on to him so used the “I can’t say a word to you because you will tell me I am abusing you” line. He said I need to make a decision on whether I am staying and being a part of the family or leaving. He wanted me to put half into the house (which I cannot afford being a student, plus my name isn’t on the mortgage or deeds of the house) I told him I couldn’t afford to do that and he knew it so I said I will have to move out. He said so it’s over then? And I couldn’t say it! I feel like he is forcing me to say it so he looks like the victim.

      He used the children to guilt me and played down all the things that are causing me emotional harm.

      This has me doubting myself again. The thing is, he does provide and work hard to provide. But he also talks to me like absolute c**p. I’ve ruined every significant day in his life according to him but when we spoke last, he said he looked back on our time together in a happy light and it was me who was looking back negatively!

      I need a reality check ASAP!

      With love,
      Overcome x

    • #73546
      Doris
      Participant

      Hi Overcome, Reality check is something I desperately need too. Your situation is almost exactly the same as me. All I can say is he pushed and pushed – asking if I wanted to separate and then telling me how awful this would be both financially and emotionally ie. a bad time to sell the house and he was not going to split his pension pot etc. No doubt all designed to sow the seeds of reluctance and doubt. No apology provided just ‘he is who he is’ and cannot change. Sound familiar? Finally I said I wanted to end it, leave and not live with him anymore. The fact he told me he could not change spurred me into action plus the incessant barking questions about what my feelings were – very confusing. So, Overcome, I am probably a wee bit ahead of you in that I have said I want our relationship to end. Trouble is, he just will not accept what I said and I suspect your partner will be equally in denial should you actually say you wish to leave. They are testing the water by demanding definitive answers then they ignore anything that is said or agreed. They will not accept they are abusive. Now that he is being ‘nice’ (which goes to show his outrage and anger is ‘manufactured’) he will feel entitled to my affection and the relationship to revert back to the cycle of abuse. I can only say that the fact we are talking on this website indicates that we are trapped inside unhealthy relationships and we know this deep down. Otherwise why would we even look online for knowledge and support? It is so easy to re-enter the rollercoaster relationship. Have a plan to hold on to and keep a journal so you can remind yourself what you have to go through because the abuse will not stop once you re-enter the arena. Read loads of books such as ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft. Complete the ‘Freedom Programme’. I have a ‘mission statement’ for grounding when the emotions are running high which involves my plans for leaving and for life afterwards. Keep posting and keep planning. X

    • #73547
      diymum@1
      Participant

      the reality check id say is this; the only way to be able to leave safely is with professional help. it took me two decades (what a waste of time looking back!) easy said now ladies 🙂
      i honestly believe these men need to be told, by law, this stops. Its as simple as that, i tried everything stooped to levels that my dads friends were ‘going to have words’with him. i left and then was coerced through guilt and blame mainly to go back.It took the police, womens aid support, the legal system. the only way to deal with this is to approach this head on/ guns blazing but more importantly let them do that for you thats their job. if we can educate ourselves and we know what were talking about and know exactly what they are dioing i think the authorities listen even more, if not keep persevering that the key and if need be complain. I know this is hard because we do become coersed and we are fearful. Once the anger stage comes on us i think we know ourselves right its time to make that call.

      in the first post hes minimising, victim blaming, hes playing the martyr, gaslighting, projection, hes using manipulation x*x luv diy mum

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