Help in understanding

[Spiral]

My Dad seriously abused my mum over about (removed by moderator) years. It started with small things and progressively got worse. He isolated us from everyone and decided to (removed by moderator). He abused me himself but what I am asking about is how partners manage to get such control over women that he also managed to make my mum sexually abuse me in front of him. I know that my mum would have been a fine mum in a different situation. Has anyone got any insight into how this could happen as I can’t begin to imagine doing anything to my daughter whatever the situation.
Thanks

[fizzylem]

Gosh this sounds dreadful S, I admire you tremendously for trying to understand why your mum did this, it would be very easy for people to come down hard on her for this wouldnt it; as it was clearly so very wrong. I can only imagine she was completely broken and worn down? Maybe didn’t know what was right and wrong in that moment? Lost a grip on reality? When in an abusive relationship it can feel like you have lost your mind; and fear is the over riding factor. We have no idea what he told her he would do if she didnt either do we – the coercive control. If she thought he would harm or kill you if she didn’t then maybe? I can only imagine that at that time she felt there was no other choice?

Really hoping you are both rid of this man a long time ago x

[fizzylem]

Thinking about the (removed by moderator); and the heinous war crimes committed in war; normal people turned into an army of violent killing machines because if they didn’t do as they were ordered they’d be shot or their families killed. (removed by moderator) x

[Spiral]

Thank you very much for your reply. Your point about losing a grip on reality really stood out and being worn and broken. Yes we did leave him many years ago. I go through periods of forgiving her and feeling really sorry for all that she went through then back to being angry with her. We only talked about it once a few years ago and my mum just said she couldn’t understand why she didn’t leave sooner.( We helped her leave in the end).

[KIP.]

I think it would be good for you to have counselling. I was in an abusive relationship for decades but I would never have sexually abused my child. I think perhaps there is more going on here with your mum than you realise and I think professional counselling would be great for you to explore. There could be many reasons why she did what she did but none of it was your fault and I do think if she was a reasonable caring person she would give you an explanation and an apology. Such a difficult subject to speak about so I’d definitely go down the counselling route for your own peace of mind first. Yes abusive and controlling behaviour can alter someone’s mind set but you’re owed an explanation from her I’d say x

[Spiral]

Thanks KIP. I did try counselling for a while but found it really hard to deal with that stuff at the same time as trying to carry on with my normal life of work, kids etc.
I think my mum is sorry but doesn’t know what to do about it.

[Author]

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