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Do you mean he hasn’t been abusive for three months? If he was charged with an offence then that’s abuse. How do you know he’s getting counselling. Have you spoken to his counsellor? Abusers are liars. Don’t move this man in with your children. Social service will want to know you’re safeguarding them and moving a man who is or had been abusive to you isn’t safeguarding them. Read your post back. You say he isn’t abusive yet you dropped the charges?
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I haven’t seen your original post but the police don’t charge people without reason to believe he was abusive. Also why would he have to go to therapy if he didn’t do anything wrong? It sounds like he has manipulated you into believing he isn’t abusive. My extremely abusive ex also doesn’t think he was abusive. He was. There are many witnesses. Like I say I don’t know what brought you here but there must have been something. Were you happy?did you feel respected?loved?cherished? A priority to him? Did you first him? Was he kind to you at all times? Abusive episodes don’t always happen daily. My ex was fine until he wasn’t. Started off a bed episode every few months which I made excuses for, till eventually several times a week, I felt unloved and unwanted, less than, not good enough, always trying to fix thing about myself. End of day he treated me in a way that I would never treat another human being. There is never a good enough excuse for it, because it’s abusive, I don’t need him to confirm or validate that. The end is almost worst than the abuse itself but I’m over it now and happier than I’ve been in years. Be very careful taking him back, if he is abusive then the punishment for this will be worse than what you may have already experienced. That was the case for me and it nearly destroyed me. Remember these men are amazing actors, that’s how they get their foot in the door in the first place!!
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I’ve just went and skimmed your original posts. So he smashed a bottle over your head? That’s abh and you will not be allowed to drop the charges it doesn’t work like that. It’s also way beyond abuse. The threats etc are also abuse. Your dad being abusive to you as a child made you more susceptible to ending up in abusive relationship but that doesn’t mean he can’t see it in others. If your ex is trying to saying that your dad caused this situation then he is manipulating you and trying to isolate you from those who can see it. However, if what you are saying is that you made that stuff up then I strongly suggest you see a counsellor yourself.
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I completely understand it when you say you want to make a go of it again. I’ve been in that place very often over the past (detail removed by moderator)years, again & again. I think our brains tell us that our decision to move out/move him out is not right for us right now/over reacting/too drastic/ etc, and therefore sounds ‘wrong’. Very possibly encouraged by the toxic lies told to us constantly by our abuser, which we tend to believe after enough ‘brainwashing’!
What I had to do is retrain my brain to recognise that I can’t let myself see only the good times, the hope for a change this time or the possibility of the family life I desperately wanted. I had to replace that with telling myself to NEVER trust him again, because he simply started the abuse again every single time, as soon as he lulled me into thinking it’s sunshine and roses.
Recognise that it’s your brain just switching to autopilot, and instead, tell it what is real. Do this every time your emotions tell you to give him another chance.
I am close to moving my abuser out, and fight the ‘this time it will be different’ thoughts – all the time.
I hope this helps…
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