help making right decision in HOW to leave

[Rubymurray]

Hi

I have posted a couple of times with back story and my concerns,

It seems its a very common thing for ‘them’ not to leave,… I havent to that stage yet in asking him or anything, I know to be safe..

As much as I want and need him to leave the family home and Im the main carer of child, BUT if I am really struggling to request any kind of occupation order (not enough for police involvement), then do people often feel they have no choice as to line somewhere up to go ie. view rentals and get that ball rolling and have somewhere to go??? THEN basically concentrate on the financial settlement and my entitlement???
Doing all of this NOT LIVING with him means everything to me.

I have been getting my ducks lined up for months, docs, evidence, important stuff.
I also cant help but think about mine and childs important ‘stuff’ and how I cant bear to leave stuff behind from years n years….. One person mentioned storage…?? Not something ive not thought of… but would need a little planning and careful work too.

How does that sound as a rough exit plan??

In many ways i have no problem searching somewhere to rent for us, i feel like its the right thing to do partly and oddly (and I was even searching at start of the year)…

I just cant leave whats mine behind, emotionally and financially bc i am on health benefits, after quitting. Is it common to have more of a fight getting your half of finances if I leave the family home?

Brief back story, married, joint mortgage and house, he’s working, im not.

thanks for reading x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, your brief back story is mine too. I used my local WA centre, who have let me use6r a lovely 2bed flat fir over a year now. You caen also access legal advice through your local WA too. It’s not something I’d recommend doing on your own tbh. We don’t think straight most of the time. Your exit plan sounds really good by the way, just remember to keep safe and not let on. As to more of a fight, depends on him, if he’s willing to go back and forth through layers, if he says you’re getting nothing, he’s in fir a big surprise. If you’ve not stated writing ajournal of his behaviour yet, start now. It’ll help in future months to keep you strong.
I have to go now, I’m in middle of moving, but didn’t want to read and run.
Keep posting, you can do this.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[KIP.]

Get some good legal advice as to what Your settlement would be in a divorce. Once you have that then you’re in a stronger position. If there’s no equity in the home you might want to sign the house over to him and rent somewhere for you and your child. If you’re fleeing because of domestic abuse then the local council have a duty to rehome you so it would be good to speak to women’s aid. They should know what you’re entitled to. Local council housing might be more secure long term rather than private renting. At least if you move out then you don’t have to tell him where you are. That will give you some peace of mind.

[Rubymurray]

iwantmeback – thank you – you have replied other posts of mine and ive seen your replies for others in similar situations that have also helped me. my local da service, seem very very over worked, taking turns on the main helpline daily as well as their own role only from home, the key worker has confirmed working from home is for the foreseable future too with the latest government advice. they haven’t said anything about having places to go other than the main refuge, which apparantly were all full a month ago even if it was needed.

with regards legal advice, they have only ever suggested me seeking it myself with free half hour advice, recommending a couple of places and rights of women. Actually Ive just managed to speak to another solicitor for 2nd opinion which was helpful.

you are right about needing someone to be with me or help me with legal stuff, it is the hardest thing trying to take in information, I have that issue anyway never mind these days. but the local service dont seem to be offering anything like that……I wonder if they would come with me to appts etc in person if we werent in lockdown, and would they take notes etc on my behalf I wonder… that would be amazing support but I dont think it will happen.

The fact your local service have given you a flat sounds brilliantly helpful, wow Ive never heard of that kind of support. I did start searching for rentals but found it difficult to find something appropriate within my budget.
I dont suppose thats an all over the country thing helping with accomodation like that…..??

I have been in touch with local housing in the council in the past – I struggled with the process to register even, bc you have to complete the online application in one go, and that is challenging.

I write a lot down.

thanks so much for replying. xx
take care

[Rubymurray]

thank you KIP also, all good advice that I partly knew and some not.

Ive just got more verbal confirmation of entitlement from a second opinion, which is positive, its still daunting when you dont have anything in writing, and you have to make such big moves… do I just take it that is how it stands and trust what I have been told..?

thanks x

[KIP.]

Yes but if you’re still not taking it all in then get a third opinion. It’s really difficult to trust people. And difficult to absorb the information. Try looking at MacKenzie Friends or ring citizens advice to see if you can get an advocacy worker to help with all this. Maybe women’s aid? A solicitor should lay it all out in writing for you so that if they’re wrong it’s their responsibility. That’s what you’re paying them for. I was just thrown into the deep end but you have time to get all your ducks in a row x

[Rubymurray]

KIP – when you say womens Aid do you mean, my local service? Theyre working fromhome, and dont seem to be very supportive right now due to restrictions and short staff i think, never met key worker in person bc of lockdown, says still unable to….which isnt helpful.

I am not paying any solicitor yet, just a first appt & free calls and emails for advice & information. Should i be choosing a solicitor and paying even at this stage, i dont have access to our main acc or savings…?? I have no other way of paying one currently?

[Iwantmeback]

My local service are also working from home too, hopefully shouldn’t be too much longer. There’s the national helpline which this forum is part of, then you have local WA services in local areas, you should see a list of them below when you look up the national women’s aid online. My local WA use a company of lawyers they would recommend to their ladies, but I’m not sure if they all offer this. I took a notebook with me when I went, my memory is still rubbish to be honest. Usually your support worker can go to a lot of meetings with you, fill in housing application forms, benefit forms etc. Mine was great, then she left, not sure if she left due to health or family or just couldn’t do the job anymore. It must take a terrible toll on the ladies who try to support us. I’d only just started seeing a new lady, then lockdown happened, so she’s been trying to support via phone instead. The area I live covers a large area and has a lot of accommodation for clients as well as the more well known communal type facilities. I’m hoping with this virus and the high profile that DA is getting on the television that all councils will rethink the cutbacks they imposed on WA. My support worker also said that I could financially separate if I wasn’t ready to go through with a divorce which sounds logical. Maybe that could be something you could look into too. The enormity of having to make a decision is sometimes so overwhelming that it’s best not to do anything. That way I find, it gives me time to digest what I’ve been told and then allows me to decide how best to proceed. When you do retain a lawyer, I as ke sure any money matters mentioned include vat, always ask does that include vat.
Be kind to yourself, this is your journey, you decide how fast it goes.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Lisa]

Good evening Rubymurray,

I just wanted to send you a link to Women’s Aid’s ‘Survivors Handbook’ which has lots of information around legal issues and options for support. You can find the handbook here. I hope this is helpful.

Also, as Iwantmeback mentioned, the National Domestic Violence Helpline is available 24/7, however it is no longer run by us, Women’s Aid, due to a change in funding, it is now run by Refuge.

Take care and keep posting.

Lisa

[Author]

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