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I left home a while ago and I now have a difficult relationship with my adult children. They say that I ‘chose’ to leave the home and that it wasn’t that bad. So if I don’t see them much (one of them barely at all) then that’s my fault. (Detail removed by moderator)
1) Cheating – yes he did this but I promised not to tell as what would be the point as I know that it would be twisted and he would say (detail removed by moderator) he stayed for them in the end.
2) Domestic abuse – eg he hasn’t hit me. He slapped me once a long time ago.
3) (Detail removed by moderator)So is this not abuse? Am I mad like he said I was for thinking other families are like ours?
He cheated for years.(they don’t know this)
Had (detail removed by moderator) numbers in his phone .
Told me (detail removed by moderator)
I had no control or say over where we lived or significant purchases that got us into debt. (detail removed by moderator) for some purchases. I had to hand all my inheritance over for the good of the family.
My family were not allowed to come unless I arranged it with him first so he could be out. I was then on edge thinking I must get rid of them so he can come back.
He has been violent towards one of my children. Apparently this was nothing. He has been verbally abusive to one of them in a malicious way.
He would spit on us for fun and amusement.
Try to unlock the (detail removed by moderator) for fun when we were in there
He called us all names a lot
He hasn’t worked for a long time and convinces them that he can make money (detail removed by moderator).
Called me mad and (detail removed by moderator)
We were made to tell lies about our life to others eg (detail removed by moderator).
He would criticise a lot of what I did , cleaning , cooking etc.
Would comment on my hair (detail removed by moderator), my clothes.
(Detail removed by moderator)
Any personal intimate relationship was on his terms.I have no idea how to educate my children that these things are wrong as he lives with them and can be very persuasive. I feel I have lost them and can never get them back. Am I deluded? Are these things not so bad?
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Please contact your local womens aid. Be honest with your children. When dad hurts mom is a good book by Lundy Bancroft. Your children have been abused and that’s become normal to them. It will take time to reverse that. It’s not up to them how much abuse one person can take. Many relationships just end because you fall out of love.
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I have agreed to meet him. He says he needs to discuss things face to face and not over the phone. He says (detail removed by moderator).
He won’t give me any financial information as he says (detail removed by moderator).
I am losing my children. They are all making me feel like I’m just too sensitive or I won’t let go of the past.
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Please be in no doubt that controlling and coercive behaviour IS abuse, regardless of whether he used physical violence. Men like these often don’t need to use violence. If you haven’t already spoken to Women’s Aid please do. They will be able to support you through this. I would also recommend the Living With a Dominator book by Pat Craven (this can be worked through with Women’s Aid, or as part of the Freedom Program which you can self refer for with a very small fee).
People outside of these relationships really don’t understand the dynamic of being in a control and coerce situation. They just can’t. Please seek out people who DO understand those dynamics. The is a Facebook group called Freedom Flowers which is useful (and only visible to members).
Dr Ramani YouTube videos and Melanie Tonia Evans YouTube videos and resources really helped me to understand what I’d experienced and helped me to make some sense of my own conflicting thoughts and emotions.
You will have to do what you think best, but I hope you’ll reconsider this meeting. His only agenda will be to talk you around to his way of thinking. This hasn’t served you well in the past by the sounds of it, and there is no reason to expect that he will have altered his outlook.
Please stay safe.
GR xx
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