Help me get past this hurdle

[Janedoeissad]

Whenever he has a bad day my first thought is “I can’t leave him when he’s clearly suffering”. During the day or over a couple of days I’ll build myself up and say I’m going, then he has a bad day and I take 2 steps back. I have to rebuild the lost motivation.

How do I stop caring? I get so excited when I get to the point where I’m totally leaving and I just need a couple of hours to leave. Then I ruin it by listening to how his day was and being far too sympathetic! I’m annoyed at myself.

[SunshineRainflower]

Have you written down a list of all of the abuse? It was the main thing that stopped me from breaking no contact. Each time my brain got confused, I read the list and always came back to the ‘oh wow I forgot he did that, and that, and that, gosh how awful, wow this man is dangerous’ and then I was back to being in a place of clarity. What is happening at the moment is that you’re still partly in the fog of abuse, not thick in the middle of it in denial, but on the outskirts of the fog, with the light in sight. Try out the list if you haven’t already and see how it feels. Be as specific and detailed as possible, ie on this date when you went to this place and he did/said this, and how it made you feel etc.

[Tiffany]

The list sounds like a good idea. Don’t wait for things to get better or worse to leave. And practice your mantras. I have to do what is best for me. It is ok to put myself first. I do not have to stay in a situation which makes me scared and unhappy. And so on. Keep saying the relevant ones until you believe them.

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks for your replies.

I do try and recall a past abusive incident but I haven’t created a list I can refer to. I might do that.

I also do occasionally to the mantras but I might start doing them everyday, I think only then will the message definitely get through.

SunshineRainFlower, I love the comment that I am “partly in the fog of abuse, not thick in the middle of it in denial, but on the outskirts of the fog”. This is a perfect explanation of where I am and it actually give me a boost because I had failed to see that I am making my way out the fog and that each set back doesn’t necessarily mean I am back to square one.

Thank you both.

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m glad my phrase helped, leaving is a process and you are on your way. Yes definitely write it all out, we forget incidents if we just rely on memory especially as abuse is confusing and we can end up blocking it out. I typed up a 12 page document, but you could hand write it, or put it all in a special journal, or even draw each incident. Keep it safe so he can’t find it. The important thing is to have a record that you can return to during times of confusion and sadness, it was the only thing that kept me grounded during the darkest days after I left. It will show you a pattern and build up evidence which is also incredibly useful later on if you need it for the police/court. I used my document to show evidence of harassment which the police could then take action on.

[Confused123]

write a list down of the positive of staying with him and what the negatives are , 10/10 the negative are higher and your reason to go , switch off when he talks to u, put that fake face on which appears u r listening and remind yourself how low he makes u feel

[Tiffany]

I found writing it down terrifying incase he found it. I started one on my phone which I deleted again while I was still with him after he started to snoop though my phone. I didn’t write the full list until after I left and I had in fact forgotten the first list until I started writing now. On reflection I should have kept it at work. Might that work for you too? Or in a password protected file? I am not tech savvy enough to do this and my ex was tech savvy enough to break the encryption. But it might work for you. I think that the fact that writing these lists is terrifying tells us a lot about how unhealthy things are. I felt guilty for keeping mine. Which is mad because he was the one who was abusive and violent.

[Janedoeissad]

All the help I needed came today. I started a course and I’d been looking forward to it for weeks. When I got there anxiety kicked in. I felt my throat getting tighter and I was scared. That’s never happened to me in a new situation. I suddenly realised in that moment how much damage has been done. I need to get out before any more damage is done.

The above is going on a list for any day I have a wobble in the next few days. I will keep that list at work. Thanks for that suggestion Tiffany. He never checks my phone (it’s finger print protected and I regularly change my passcode) but I feel better having it on something he can never see.

As it happens, once I’d settled down I loved the course. Can’t wait for next week.

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