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This topic contains 17 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Whyme 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #65722

    I googled this forum thinking I would get nowhere. I feel relieved to have found this. I am so scared to speak up. I’ve made out what I think looks like the perfect life. I set out to find someone that would build a secure life with me. Have the same direction as me. And someone faithful. We got together and in the beginning he was jealous but I could deal with that just. I would go out with my friends but it got to the point when I couldn’t say I was going out until I actually was or the run up to Spending innocent time with my girlfriends would be hell. Many a time we have driven for hours with me trying to justify spending time with my fitness and him calling me a liar and that I can’t be trusted. I’ve cried and cried hoping that he might just feel bad but he doesn’t seem to care. Id reassure him I love him and he’d say you clearly dont and I’m not respecting his feelings. We spend every minute together. What more does he want. I have to text him wherever I go and I need to provide him with a time that I will be home. Regardless if I’m one minute late my life is hell. He has (the only way I can describe) man handled me leaving me bruised (I’ve had to lie to friends, my employer about how I became bruised). He has hit my head off the floor. Pushed me with great force onto the bed. I try to leave the room and he pushes me back or follows me. All I want to do is walk away to diffuse the situation. At this point I have no energy left and I can barely breath through the tears. I’m broken. He has kept me awake for hours through the night. He makes up stuff. He has looked through my phone and often sits next to me when I am on the internet and disagreeing with what news I am reading. He comments on my clothes. He makes all the choices as to what we do. I can’t just get up and say I’m going to visit my mother and father. It has to be his choice and he has to be there. He says I belittle him when I’m around my friends or parents if I tell a funny story about us or him. As there is some fun times. I don’t see my friends often and I have lost touch with some. I feel I get anxiety and just feel physically sick when I am asked to do anything with friends. I barely go out and I avoid drinking alcohol at all costs as I’ve been told I can’t be trusted.
    I am so forgetful now and I get told I am stupid and useless. There is nothing I am capable of doing. I get put down before I’ve done anything. I can’t think straight.
    We sold my car and were to get a new one, he has my money and I don’t have a choice now. I get what I’m given. I work full time and have like no control. I ament allowed to spend my money on what I want, supposedly I waste it. And that makes me a loser.
    This doesn’t even scrape the surface, my head is such a mess I can’t remember half the things he has said and done.
    What has broken me recently is i did this exercise challenge with work colleagues and I I have now taking up running. I’m not great at anything (as I’ve been told many times) but I told him what I am doing which gives me 3 hours of grief about how this isn’t my choice and people are making me do it. I tell him this is not the case. I am doing this myself and I feel great and healthy. I said can you not just be proud. His words were ‘What do you want a pat on the back/praise you only ran like 1.5 mile it’s not an achievement’ … what on earth do I have to do to prove I’m not a bad person. I am so scared to leave, I just wanted my parents to be proud of me.

    I’m tired.
    Am I over reacting? Am I creating the problem? Am I being abused?

  • #65749

    Hi why me,

    So glad you found this forum, there are lots of ladies on here who have great advice and plenty of experience of being in an abusive relationship. Reading your post reminds me of myself when I first got with my ex husband. It started as jealousy and nasty digs at me and it got worse. I wanted everything to be perfect too, I ignored the red flag behaviour and married him and had two children with him. I fled him a decade on and I would have gone a lot sooner if I hadn’t had children.

    You are being abused definatley. And you need to make plans secretly to leave this person for your own safety and well being. He is not treating you in a respectful way, pushing and hurting you, speaking nastily to you and withholding your income are all common forms of domestic violence. You truly deserve better my love…so you can find someone who loves and cherishes and supports you too xx

  • #65750

    Oh gosh. I’m so sorry but yes this is domestic abuse. Please ring the helpline number on here or contact your local women’s aid to talk things through. Meantime read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. That’s a good place to start. Yes you’re tired. Your exhausted but his behaviour, it’s confusing and crazy making. Gaslighting. Try to keep a secret journal of his behaviour. Read you own post back and ask how you would advise a friend. Sadly abuse always gets worse and it’s dangerous for us when we try to leave so be very careful. He has already assaulted you which is a criminal offence, you have every right to report him to the police. Yes, it’s that serious. Keep posting and reading other posts. You’re not alone x

  • #65751

    Thank you so much shipoffools and kip.
    I knew this wasn’t right but I have never ever spoke up about this and the confirmation from you guys has made me feel like I have made one step forward. I am genuinely scared of the aftermath of leaving. I don’t think I can deal with it all. We are not married but are engaged. I’d love to be a bride but have always known I don’t want to be his bride. Because I knew he was horrible to me. I felt sick when he proposed and felt I had to say yes. I feel ill when people ask where/when we will get married.
    I am so worried about this getting out to friends/family and other people to the point where I’ll have to explain it all.
    I’m truly lost.
    I’ve read a few posts, it’s so sad we are being treated this way.
    I’d tell my friend to walk away and don’t look back.. but is it really that easy? We bought a house together and share cars, I wish I could leave .. leave it all. But why should I make it so easy for him after all this pain. I cry myself to sleep most nights.
    I’d love to tell my mother (she called him a bunny boiler way back in the beginning) I tried my hardest to make him look the greatest. How do I tell her the truth. I feel guilty I’ve lied to my parents. They thought I was safe.

  • #65752
     Sad sunflower 

    Dear Whyme,

    I was engaged to my abuser just like you. I was so in love with the idea of getting married that I didn’t stop to think that he wasn’t the man I wanted to be married to! I felt sick when he proposed as well. I always thought I would feel butterflies in my stomach when proposed to, but all I felt was an urge to run for the hills. Our bodies are wise and let us know when something is not right. We should start listening to the signs our bodies give us.

    Don’t worry about what other people might think. You don’t need to tell every single person in your life why you left. You don’t need to explain anything. People who truly love you won’t demand an explanation, they will just be happy to see you happy. And trust me, after you leave you will be happy. Of course it takes a long time and it hurts, but the pain of continuing in an abusive relationship is much greater than that of recovery.

    It’s never easy to leave an abuser, that’s why you have to work on a plan. Please read as much as you can on domestic abuse and gaslighting. The more you inform yourself, the less he will be able to get in your head- You will start to see through his lies and manipulation. I don’t know how your relationship with your mother is but in my case, telling my parents was such a relief! All I got from them was support, even though sometimes they didn’t understand what I was going through.

  • #65753

    Thank you so much sad sunflower.
    I have a really good relationship with my mother and father. I just feel sick having to tell them. I know they will be upset that I never came to them before now. The more I look through the posts on here the more I feel I ament in the wrong. Really appreciate everyone’s words of support.

    I just need to get stronger.
    My mind is so messed up.

    Thank you again

    • #65765
      Main Moderator


      Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be. This man sounds really abusive and dangerous, I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. You deserve support with this and I’m sure your parents will want to support you, it will upset them but that is because they care.

      If you haven’t already call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Calls are answered by trained female support workers. They won’t tell you what to do but they can talk things through.

      You could also contact your local service for support face to face.

      Take care and keep posting

      Best Wishes


  • #65819

    Hello, I’m really so sorry you are feeling distressed, I think you should try not use up any energy with worrying too much about what others will think/say if your relationship ends, what is so much more important is that you are safe and happy. I can’t see anyone being happy in this situation, under this control and violence, and all who care for you would be relieved you are out of it. I totally identify and remember the confusion that this type of behaviour creates, it’s horrible when it seems never ending but I can verify that in time your memory and ability to plan things and make decisions for yourself will come back to you, but I very much doubt that that can happen right now in the situation you are in… I’m so pleased that you can identify all these things that you know he’s doing that is wrong, but his denial of all this will cause your confusion to continue, he creates the doubts you have and leaves you exhausted so you can’t quite get ontop of things. You’ve instinctively done a great thing getting on here to get some advice and it will really help. I wouldn’t let the worry about the things in place like buying cars etc become a priority focus at all, all relationships that end are tangled up, just find time where you can focus on planning a way out, you can get support from womens aid to help plan this, and I think you’re mum will help you too, but you can always talk to womens aid first, I think you are right about his behaviour and I think you can do this, sometimes people leave at the very last minute because there is no choice but to leave (with cars, homes, same friendships, some fleeing during pregnancy for safety) try your very best to secretly plan this all, you can get help to do this, you’ve already made good steps, I’m wishing you well

    • #66093

      Thank you for your reply. I was going to visit my mam and dad tonight.. hoping I’d get there on my own but it’s not going to happen. Something always seems to get in my way of talking to my parents. I want them to know .. I don’t just want to turn up asking them to take me in. Causing them shock. Although they will be shocked anyway.
      I’m just a bit lost today, chocolate cake is the only thing getting me through!

  • #65947

    Some of this resonates with me. I am unable to visit friends anymore. I have been out 2/3 times in the last couple of years. Once with mutual friends where he got into a strip beforehand and wouldn’t come but then spent all evening giving me grief by text and walked there but wouldn’t come in, just stayed outside saying he couldn’t come in because he’d lose face with the friends. Another time was (Detail removed by Moderator) party for family. He didn’t see why I wanted to go and again kept texting me throughout the couple of hours I was there. I had already turned down the(Detail removed by Moderator) itself because I knew he wouldn’t want me going. The last time was when I wanted to meet with my mother, just her and me. He assumed it would be both of us going. I haven’t seen my mum since (Detail removed by Moderator) and she knows what hell I am going thruough. He was rude to her the last time they met and she didn’t want to see him. Bye followed me and sat outside the restaurant. He made me promise I wouldn’t eat because he wanted us to eat together and said it was excessive for us to go for a meal and why couldn’t we just meet for coffee. He came into the restaurant that time and accused me of eating. He called me (Detail removed by Moderator) times and sending (Detail removed by Moderator) messages and eventually stood at the door with a sign saying that he loves me.

    I’m not allowed to to go out with work colleagues. He has turned down invitations at his work because I’m not invited. I have noobjection to him going out without me but he won’t – he has categorically said that couples do not go out without each other and never do anything separately !

  • #66094

    I feel for you. Sounds awful. I find they come across to everyone like the best thing since sliced bread.. so that people would find it hard to believe when we are able to get away and tell our story. Our situations sound so similiar.. I can’t eat at my parents or with friends because I’m supposedly not thinking of him. When I am with him there is things I ament allowed to eat and it’s always commented if I’ve eaten a lot. Just can’t win. The work colleague thing is so similar .. when will it be over!

  • #67157

    Hi @whyme,
    My story sounds very very very similar. I left the relationship a good few months ago now. Although I still am confused and hurt, so hurt I know deep deep down I have done the right thing. I too want to get married and have children one day but knew I just couldn’t do it with him, my heart said yes but my head was telling me to run. Leaving was so hard and had been really hard since, it is hard if you leave hard if you stay, at least now I have some kind of chance with someone else one day, when I am feeling ready.
    When you do leave please go No Contact, otherwise he will keep on controlling you from a far. I have only recently blocked my ex after multiple interactions after the split. I wished I had done it sooner although it was tough and part of me still had hope that things would get better. I had to be realistic and have hope that I will meet someone better for me.
    Take care x

    • #67629

      Thank you..
      I’ve had a difficult past few weeks. I feel the cracks are starting to show.
      Just need to find the courage!

  • #69285

    Hello Whyme,

    I’m very new here and have been reading lots of posts. I was wondering if you had been able to tell your mother – your dilemma sounds difficult but I think from the outside, looking objectively that telling your mum is definitely the lesser of two evils. She gave birth to you and so will always care deeply about you. Think of it as two choices : one less bad than the other. You’d choose the less bad one, right? Do it by email or letter or when you’ve had a large drink. I think it’s incredibly unlikely that she will NOT respond by instinctively wanting to help the person she watched grow up from a tiny baby. Sending you a big hug for courage.

  • #69287

    Hi Why me ,
    It’s a really hard step but once you reach out like you have done here, and talk to your family it will feel better . You will get strength from their love support and concern.
    It is not your fault, it is him. Don’t let him know anything is up. Talk to WA for guidance and how to keep safe. Be careful he is dangerous.
    Also watch out for hoovering after being horrible he will try and charm his way back in and then go back to his nasty ways.
    Honestly you can’t expect decent behaviour and there’s no point trying to reason with
    All the best and be strong xx

    • #72935

      Thank you you everyone posting to me.
      I haven’t been on in a while. I found things very tough on the run up to Xmas. It’s family time for me. He wanted us just to be in our house together. I asked for help.. time for us to make a dinner together and have some fun. We’d always spend Xmas eve with my parent just so I couldn’t see my sibling and we could open present together after 12. It’s always nice but it’s never what to me it should be. So we had our Christmas at home. He didn’t get out of bed until the food was made in the afternoon. I had cooked for hours. I just felt sad. A slave. Christmas was no longer family time. We went to see each other’s family which was ok. But it just didn’t feel right. New year arrives, the usual early night .. boring for a young couple but it keeps him happy. I went back to work with a temperature and the cold but kept going as days off work sick are frowned upon by him. Got over this and had a family dinner to go to which was very awkward as he didn’t want to go and if he was going he wanted to leave half way thorough. Just embarrassing. We did stay the whole evening after the prior performance to me practically begging for him to spend time with my caring family .. he managed to charm his way through all my family. It made me sick .. I’ve lied to them.. they think he’s great. He jokes away and I’m dying inside. Why can you be so nice but then so nasty to me. Then I think how can I walk away from this and tell my family. Am I as bad as him?? By this point I felt so low I had could the cold again. I was very ill. I had to take time off work and I felt guilty. I couldn’t eat, I was vomiting, coughing, sweating.. frozen. There was no shopping in. I asked him to go and get some supplies. Eventually 2 hours later after him being busy scrolling through his phone he goes to the shop and returns. I’m just lying pretty much hilusinating. No support I couldn’t walk to the kitchen. He complained I’m always Ill. I never am! I lay crying he went out. 6days of no support. My mum came round she didn’t know and it was such a relief. Made me food tidied up. He hasn’t even washed a dish.
      It was then I thought.. I’d be better off alone. I have zero support.
      My mam asked why hadn’t I told her, well that’s because I wouldn’t be allowed. I was scared to tell her. He would get on at me for being soft, over exaggerating. I cried when she came round. She hugged me. I just wanted to go home. I know I shouldn’t feel like that as I am a grown up and own my own home but I was so lonely.
      It might not seem like much .. it’s so indirect but it hurts so bad.
      A few weeks later we visited my mum and we got into a conversation about how I always make dinner and the conversation caused my mam to ask him does he not say thanks for his dinner or appreciate what I do for him. His reply, she’s making it for herself why would I say thankyou. He then said I have my own money I can get my own dinner.
      Am I a mug?!
      I hate myself.

      Sorry for the long boring story
      One day I hope to find the courage!

  • #69290

    Hi whyme
    I am so sorry you are going through this. I got away from my abusive ex only  weeks ago it was so overwhelming my mom liked him and she was the first person I had to tell but she was brilliant and told me I had to tell my sons and they took control fr there…. In that respect I was lucky.. But still hated getting others involved but like my mom said I had to. He sounds very much like my ex.. I had to give up my fitness etc as he asked who was I trying to impress! I got out whyme it wasn’t easy… I emailed womens aid a few weeks earlier after that I felt I had an option when the time came… The day I left I rang women’s aid they were so supportive and gave me the courage. The police were also really supportive too. I just want you to be safe. No one’s deserves this. Keep posting.. Everyone here will support you xx

  • #72936

    The charming is few and far between I feel like I have been trained to be honest. I just tip toe around. He thinks he is showing me affection by grabbing me in areas and it hurts. I’ve told him but if it doesn’t bruise it’s not sore. He says I’m gurney.

    Why me?!

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