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    • #169717

      Is it abuse?

      Me and my husband have been together for nearly (detail removed by moderator)

      He has struggled with mental health issues and violent outbursts throughout, I knew the outbursts were a red flag but I think I accepted them because I was young and naive and just wanted to be in a relationship. (detail removed by moderator) I also grew up in a household with domestic violence between my parents and I can’t help but wonder is this why I have accepted it for so long?

      The outbursts are below, am I being abused? The latest incident has really shook me up and I’m feeling scared to be around him or in the house. He also hasn’t said one word/apologised to me since, which made me realise he never has after these incidents. It’s always me going to speak to him about it and telling him he needs to stop. This time I haven’t said anything so we haven’t spoken since.

      * (detail removed by moderator) then shouted at me and slammed the door in my face. I did not raise my voice once during the argument, I was just trying to explain my feelings to him about something and he flipped out.

      (detail removed by moderator)

      * Slammed the door in my face and shouted during a different argument

      * Slammed plates/dishes on the floor that broke and thrown plates full of food at walls which have caused dents during an argument

      * Thrown my (detail removed by moderator) down the stairs at me during an argument(he says he wasn’t aiming for me)

      * Pulled my (detail removed by moderator) off and grabbed the back of my neck to push me down to the floor during an argument (he downplays this one since it was the back of my neck and not the front/choking me)

      * Has been stressed out during driving since we were (detail removed by moderator), I told him the wrong direction and he flipped out slamming the steering wheel and shouting. I had to calm him down during this because I was genuinely scared for my life in case he lost control of the car and we crashed. I don’t think his rage was directed at me as he was really stressed that day but I spent the rest of the day being mellow and calm to ensure our safety while he was driving.

      * Pushed me out of a door, threw my bag on the floor next to me and slammed the door in my face

      Other than these things, he has many good attributes although we’ve had a rocky relationship, and is my best friend when things are going well but these incidents are becoming too much now he knows the kind of childhood I had but still behaves this way.

      I can’t help but think If I didn’t back off during these outbursts would he hit me? That’s what keeps going around and around in my mind and I don’t know what to do, I can’t think straight.

      Please help

    • #169720

      Sending you so much love, this sounds awful for you. I only joined this week asking ‘was it abuse’ and others have told me to look up Lundy Bancroft’s “why does he do that?” You’ll find a free pdf if you search for it. It has been an incredibly helpful resource for me trying to work out what has been going on and I recommend you read it.
      Until then though, yes that is abuse.

      • #169740

        Thanks for the book suggestion, i’m reading through it at the moment, quite eye opening so far

    • #169735

      Yes this is very abusive behaviour by the sound of it. Question – does he lash out to people at work, strangers or just you behind closed doors? Mental health is less likely to be selective, whereas abuse they choose to turn it on and off. It’s really hard to accept the person we love is actually abusing us, they feel like our best friend/soulmate but as you learn more about this type of behaviour the more you see it’s all an act to satisfy their needs and relationships/ friendships are a means to an end. 🙁

      • #169741

        No he’s never lashed out to anyone else that I know of, just me 🙁

      • #169750

        Big red flag that this is abuse and not mental health x

    • #169742

      I’m really upset because he hasn’t spoken to me for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) since the last incident, I finally gave in and tried to have a conversation about it, which went very badly. I feel like i’m going crazy, he basically said it was my fault for causing the argument and I didn’t listen when he said he was getting angry and he didn’t want to come grovel to me about what he had done because he knew i would highlight how bad it is (well obviously because its really bad!) I don’t think he even realises/cares about the magnitude of the situation because he didn’t even think to apologise and still hasn’t.

      I actually ended up apologising for the argument, and then he broke down crying after I said I was shocked he didn’t apologise for his explosion and then tried to explain how scared I was and that his behaviour is abuse. The conversation ended after he broke down crying and told me to leave and now we’ve gone back to not speaking to each other.

      I feel like i’m going to have to be the one to try to have a conversation again

      I feel like i’m going crazy and this has been flipped on me

      • #169749

        Stop. Save yourself the heartache and enjoy some you time. Honestly! Read a book, have a bath, go to bed early but do you. He will not speak to you until it’s on his terms, he won’t want to apologise or revisit the incident unless it’s to pile all blame onto you. By apologising you’re taking on all the responsibility and absolving him of his. Sadly you are not dealing with a reasonable, logical adult in abuse. Watch his actions not his words and you’ll see this argument will only end when he decides x

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