12th June 2017 at 6:02 pm #44039SunshineRainflowerParticipant
Ah please help. My mother is a Class-A boundary violator. I moved back in with my parents after I had a breakdown due to a stressful career, and then my mother discouraged me from finding work under the guise of ‘concern for my mental health’ and pushed me down the route of not working and having therapy for several years. Eerily it reminds me of my abusive ex, who offered to pay for me to have therapy for my ‘mental health’ before I realised I was desperately anxious and unhappy with him because he was abusing me.
Last year my mother cut down a beautiful (detail removed by Moderator) plant I had bought which was flowering. I was about to collect the flowers (detail removed by Moderator). I come back home one day and see the plant has been butchered. I asked her what had happened and she said she was ‘pruning’ and ‘cutting it back.’ There was absolutely no need for her to randomly do this, the plant was beautiful and in flower with insects and bees loving it, and it wasn’t her plant to prune either. After noticing a pattern of this sort of behaviour since childhood and doing a lot of journaling and reading, I’ve realised she is emotionally abusive and is doing this sort of thing deliberately to try to violate my boundaries and assert control. She can be classed as a (detail removed by Moderator) mother.
Today, I was in the garden and went to see how my new replacement (detail removed by Moderator) plant was doing. Guess what? It’s gone! I knew instantly that she’s killed it. I texted her and she said (detail removed by Moderator) I saw it just yesterday starting to flower! She has used the pot for her own plant now and thrown out/destroyed my (detail removed by Moderator) plant. To me (detail removed by Moderator)represents peace and harmony and love and I use the flowers (detail removed by Moderator), it makes me feel so violated and sad and upset for her to keep destroying it after I have bought it 🙁
She is gaslighting me by telling me it was dead, violating boundaries and deliberately trying to hurt me.
Please help me to survive this. I was trying to go self employed to support myself but it’s proving very difficult so I’m looking for work. I need some sort of job so I can move out and afford my own flat. I’m so scared that I can’t do this. Scared that I can’t earn enough. I can’t cope with full time work as in the past it has given me panic attacks and suicidal depression, plus I still want to give my self employed venture a shot part time. I just need to find a part time job that pays well enough and a cheap one bed flat in a non-terrifying area. Unfortunately there are hardly any decently paid part time jobs and rents all seem to be high. I am on the council housing register which is positive but I still need to find work then bid for flats and see if I’m entitled to housing benefit etc. So scared I will get the finances wrong and end up super poor and going to food banks.
I just don’t know how to get out of this mess, it feels so hard and I feel so trapped. 🙁
12th June 2017 at 6:34 pm #44045RelievedParticipant
I really feel for you having to live with your parents, at least I can get away from my mother at the end of the day. Your mother does sound very controlling and emotionally abusive. I can relate to the plant thing as my ex destroyed some plants I had put in the garden, saying that I wasn’t looking after them. He also often trashed things I had bought or said they were rubbish.
It must be awful feeling trapped like this but please don’t be scared. Your confidence must have taken a real bashing for you to feel like that. Take it one step at a time, focus on finding a job first. I’m sure you won’t get the finances wrong. Good luck xx
12th June 2017 at 6:58 pm #44050KIP.Participant
Have you thought of renting a room off someone else. It can work out cheaper and at least you can choose who you share the house with x
12th June 2017 at 7:34 pm #44053SunshineRainflowerParticipant
Thanks for your replies Relieved and Kip! I have been looking for jobs this evening and have found several to apply to which is hopeful. I find job applications stressful as they seem to take forever but I think I’ll feel better after sending some off (so far I’ve just been looking for agency work). I am so nervous about returning to work but I do have a lot of skills, experience and good qualifications so if I can get my confidence up I should be able to get something manageable and dare I say it even enjoyable.
Kip I’m not sure I could rent a room as I have an indoor cat? At the moment she has the run of the house. I’d feel bad keeping her in a room, it would feel very cruel, and would be worried about her roaming around someone else’s house in case they let her outside by accident. I think I’ll need to get very creative with my flat/room hunt. I really hope the universe helps me out and something affordable, safe and nice turns up, somewhere me and my wonderful cat can feel happy away from abusive people.
As a side note, I have just been outside, rummaged through the compost and retrieved my (detail removed by Moderator)plant!! She has damaged it but I think it might survive. I have repotted it up. I feel good that I have started to fight back and defend myself and my boundaries even though she will no doubt keep violating them until I can move out.
What a nightmare it is living with people like this. No wonder I thought my abusive ex was normal when I have only known abuse from childhood, it only occurred to me that my family were abusive when I split up with him. It’s so true when they say that we are subconsciously attracted to people who remind us of our primary caregivers, I’m so glad I’ve noticed this pattern so that I can now break it!!!
12th June 2017 at 9:28 pm #44063RelievedParticipant
That sounds positive about the job hunting. I really hope you find something you enjoy. Good luck with the flat hunting too.
I’m so grateful for this group, I think I would be a quivering wreck if I couldn’t vent on here at the moment. I’m also starting to realise my family(my mother especially) were abusive emotionally and caused me to hook up with my ex. Now I know the signs of abusive relationships, I realise my sister in law and my aunt both suffered(both ended up abusing drugs and alcohol). My mother grew up with an alcoholic mother and from what I remember of my grandfather I think he was abusive too! It’s all starting to fall into place.
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