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Sorry that I haven’t been replying to anyone to offer help but I’ve been trying to carry on. Had an email from my solicitor that (detail removed by Moderator) the divorce. I always suspected he might but it’s brought back the feeling of fear again. So I’m now revisiting my thoughts of wish I’d done things differently. That I’d spoken to him about things and that instead of not replying to his texts I had done. Maybe that would have helped. I hate that reading that has made me feel that fear again. Scared that if he follows through I’ll end up with a huge bill from the solicitor and end up with nothing. I’m lucky that I could leave and not have to stay in the house ( which is rented along with a business with animals) I’m just so scared
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His goal is to make you scared. That’s how he’s controlled you in the past. Abusers are liars. (detail removed by Moderator). What does that mean? (detail removed by Moderator) My ex told me he’d leave me with nothing, threatened to contest etc. The bottom line is it isn’t up to him now. Let your solicitor know his game and that you won’t be dragged into paying huge bills or engaging with him. Get her to work out what you’re entitled to financially. Make him the offer and if he refuses then your next step would be to get a court date or to simply wait for a two year separation. Divorce is just apiece of paper. It’s more important that your legally safe from him running up debts in your name and you have a legal separation date and are able to survive and support yourself. I wasted huge sums engaging in his abuse via solicitors and it doesn’t have to be that way. A good solicitor with experience of domestic abuse won’t let that happen. Talk to your solicitor and tell them about your real concerns here. Is he representing himself?
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A good piece of advice I was given was just to deal with what was put in front of me. Worrying about what he might say or do is how we have lived our lives and how we have been controlled. So wait and see what he does next. My ex was a pathetic liar and had to make a huge climb down in the end. They feel they are so entitled to everything and when they’re told by a professional that they’re simply not going to get their way, it’s a huge hit to their ego. You have choices here and as long as you’re safe physically, financially and emotionally. Doing nothing is an option. I took a step back for over a year and healed myself until I was strong enough to deal with him.
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Thanks Kip. Yes I am divorcing on (detail removed by Moderator) grounds. (detail removed by Moderator) which as far as I was concerned and my counsellor ( who I’ve been seeing for (detail removed by Moderator) years) wasn’t right. Also claimed I’d gone on anti depression meds after my dad died. Which was totally wrong. I’ve been on them for longer than that. So we went ahead (detail removed by Moderator). Now he’s ticked the box that says (detail removed by Moderator). So a waiting period to see if he follows through within the (detail removed by Moderator) weeks he has to do so. I’m not sure but I think he’s probably representing himself.. My solicitor is now out of the office until next week when she said if I wanted to ask anything I could. She has a lot of experience with domestic abuse cases. I went to see her earlier in the year to find out about going for divorce before I left a few months later. Thank you for reminding me that he wants to scare me. It worked unfortunately…..but this morning it’s receded some
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It sounds like you’re doing everything right. The waiting is awful so dint put your life on hold like i did. It can be all consuming. Contesting his abuse isn’t about Him providing examples of his good behaviour. We know they’re Jeckyl and Hyde so just evidence your own statement if you haven’t already. He’s full of hot air. My ex was the same. Delusional nonsense. You could get things like a copy of your medical record for when you were prescribed those antidepressants. It will discredit his story. My surgery charged 50p and printed off a copy of what I needed. At the end of the day, you can let him write what he wants but trust in your solicitor that she’s confident you can get your divorce on those grounds with the evidence you have. It’s good she’s put a time limit on his response. If he doesn’t agree then you push forward with court or take a step back. Remember any contact is toxic and that includes solicitor letters, talking about the abuse, seeing his name on documents. All this gets easier with time. We spend so many years trying to stay a step ahead that it’s hard to relax but you’re away from him for a reason. You have peace in your life so concentrate on that peaceful part in your life.
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Hi Imagine
I looked this up not long ago as I was worried that my ex would defend the divorce. Apparently it’s pretty rare because although he may not agree with the grounds for unreasonable behaviour cited, if he defends the divorce it’s actually saying he doesn’t want the marriage to end. You on the other hand are saying that you do want the marriage to end – so it’s not usually successful to defend a divorce as judges can’t make a couple continue in a marriage if one party longer wants to be in it especially if there is abuse.
The financial aspect of court hearings is course is very worrisome and that’s what he wants to do, bully and worry you. I’m finding though with the help of this forum and other DV organisations/my solicitor that often there’s a solution to a lot of the problems that these bullies/abusers come up with. Try not to worry too much until you’ve spoken to your solicitor who has probably dealt with this on many occasions if they have DV experience.
My ex is now saying (detail removed by Moderator). Lol! Money well spent in my opinion to be rid of him. But my solicitor said no way. I’m waiting now to see what he will come up with next.
Stay strong Imagine 💪❤️Xx
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So an update on the divorce process. I have heard from my solicitor that he didn’t (detail removed by moderator). If the (detail removed by moderator) appointment. That made me feel like I have before….Yesterday I had a letter from my (detail removed by moderator) in support of the divorce. Hit me hard and the fear came back. I’ve emailed my solicitor this morning to ask for a phone call. I’m so scared that the divorce won’t happen….
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Hi Imagine, Unfortunately, these men will not make divorce easy so it may well be more expensive than your average divorce. He will do everything to put obstacles in your way. As KIP says, he wants to scare you, he wants to cost you money and make it as difficult as he can. I suspect he’ll have a dual agenda – he wants to scare you out of divorcing him and he wants to punish you for leaving.
Surround yourself with support. I found support in places I didn’t expect. I discovered so many women amongst my colleagues who had been through the same thing and they were absolute rocks when I got those emails through from my solicitor.
So apart from the obvious up-sides of leaving him, I have come out with two really unexpected positives – both as a result of his appalling behaviour through the divorce. 1. I made some new and really solid friendships and 2. He just kept reminding me why I was leaving. If ever I’ve had doubts about whether I did the right thing leaving I thought about his behaviour through the divorce and the doubts went up in smoke.
I’ve never had to struggle with issues of missing him or feeling I still love him; his vile behaviour through the divorce took care of that. Yes, it cost me money, yes it was stressful but in the end, his bahviour just consolidated my assertion that I was better off out of it.
Don’t be afraid. I know that money can be a real issue but honestly, here I am, financially worse off but better off in every other way. Hang on to the fact that there are so many hidden and unexpected joys to come.
I’ve just been given a set of really pretty teacups as a gift. They were something I really wanted and it sounds silly – tea cups! But they are a symbol of my freedom. He would have mocked me and made me feel stupid for wanting pretty teacups. Now I can express myself. And the best thing ever, I finally have a pet which I have always wanted and never been allowed.
When the going gets tough, lean on your friends and the forum for support. Plan your finances; this can make it less scarey and think ahead. Slowly but surely, you will discover the real you. That is something to really look forward to.
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