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hi all,
im sorry about this one but i need a bit of help.
My partner has been a lot better in the last (removed by moderator) months, we had the odd bad day during lock down but the good days have been a lot more than the bad, and there hasnt been any physical in a long time but the mental has changed me s a person and even though he isnt as bad now, the traits and fears i have of doing something wrong or staying out too long if ive gone out for lunch is still there. its like its in my bones now that he will kick off and call me names or throw stuff and threaten things.now, this is where i need the advice, generally, he turns it around on me and says that im the problem or im the reason he kicks off because ive disrespected him in some way or done something he doesnt like.
last (removed by moderator) i left, i packed my things and moved back home, he didnt do anything big, he said i sneaked around because i hadnt mentioned that i was picking my dog up (i share with my ex partner as we parted as friends) and he started saying nasty things so i just snapped and told him i dont want to be with him anymore.
Putting this into context, i didnt live with him officially, i had to stay at his home all the time so he knew where i was, especially during lock down.
ive never wanted to officially move in due to the things he has done in the past so i always had my own home, but i was always afraid to stay there or go back for things any longer than half an hour.we have spoken since i left and he says that i need to move in officially and marry him if not, then its over. he says he hasnt treated me badly in the time we have been together and that i should be begging him to keep me.
he isnt bad all the time, he does so many lovely things, but i cant trust him not to be like that all the time, he once told me it was a dictatorship and i had to do as im told, but he doesnt see anything wrong with it, he told me i wasnt allowed to go and get my (removed by moderator) fixed because i was talking to a male who was going to do it.do i go back? i feel relieved that im here and away from here but there is a part of me that things i should give him a chance and stay, if i move in, maybe he will get better and it will work out? im stuck, i dont know how to tell him that i dont want to be with him, its like i cant actually say the words and when he tells me to go round, i just go. he will get mad otherwise. do i need to stop going out with friends and doing stuff? when i should be loking after him and his kids?
what do i do? is it actually me thats the issue and do i need to change?sorry its so long winded and probably makes no sense, i typed everything in my head
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just on the back of this, im still unsure if it even is abuse, he is lovely sometimes but then there are the big blow blow ups where he will hurl abuse at me or throw things.
thinking on it, its just little things now, he will playfully slap me in the face and say i need to lighten up, or tell his kids that im a gimp. he has little jokes that i dont find funny like calling me other womens names when he calls me.
i dont see these as that bad, not in comparison to how they used to be anyway.
he will also look after me when im poorly or if im not feeling well, but then say things like after ive everything hes done that i owe him. i get accused of messaging other men, so i got rid of all social media, then got told that i was hiding the relationship because i did it, when it was to stop being accused.
he doesnt like me going out with friends or even texting them, he says i have too much time for them, i never go on nights out though, i mean like going for lunch or a walk – generally with my best friend and god daughter. im ot allowed male friends either, thats a big no no, however becasue i have a close knit group of girls, he says im a lesbian and that its weird that im that close. even with all this, isnt this just the c****y bits of a relationship that everyone has to deal with? is it just a case of suck it up and carry on, my family and friends all say i need to get out and that he is manipulative and abusive, which he did used to be, but its no where near as bad as he used to be. -
He doesn’t get any credit for treating you as any decent human being would. Concentrate on his abuse. Write it all down. Please do not go back, zero contact is what you need to do. You’re scared to say no to this man because he’s brainwashed you and programmed you to be scared of his response when he does not get his own way, Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Ridiculing you in front of others is how he robs your self confidence and then hides it as a joke. Another typical abuser tactic.
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Google trauma bonding. Google co dependency. You’re putting your happiness and health in the hands of someone who wants to hurt you. An abuser. Ask yourself why you want to stay in this relationship. Ask yourself what will really change if you go back. It’s like breaking a drug habit. If you go back you may get some temporary relief but then it will become toxic again x try to distract yourself. Zero contact is how you break this habit. Yes it’s painful in the beginning but if you can just stick with it, the bond will break x
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You can’t fix him – they don’t really change they play nice but only to keep you where they want and then the cycle starts again. You know that really. You are so brave this bit is sooo hard but it will get easier very very slowly but it will. Just concentrate on you – do something really nice for you simple things light a candle watch what you want on TV!!! Have a bath keep reaching out. You can do this x
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Ive looked at that before, i think I’m worried about being alone, would life actually be better alone? I’m trying, continuing to text is one of the issues, but i can’t bring myself to block him.
I have done that just now, lit bedroom candles and
Getting cosy with a film.Hes still texting me, how did you guys do this?
Thankyou all
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Turn off your phone for a while. Even if it’s five minutes at a time. I took him back and he stomped on my heart and I used that pain to tell myself I’d never allow him to have that power to hurt me again. Don’t allow him to stomp on your heart again. It may come to involving the police if he continues. If you can’t text him to stop contacting you then try to turn your phone off. Put it in another room and concentrate on the movie. I know the anxiety that will come from not answering but you have the right to live free from abuse x
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Block him now! Its impossible to begin to heal when they are at you and in your head. It’s early days you are doing amazing! Stay strong! Time and the bravery you have already shown will get your through. I can’t tell you much we are too high risk but I can tell you one day I had to put my phone the other side of an ambulance and sit on my hands so I didn’t contact him. I didn’t and I’m so incredibly pleased that I didn’t – we are finding free but it’s taken time. You can do it too
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Sadly they don’t change. They become more manipulative and find different ways to abuse. Constantly changing the goal posts to Keep our head spinning. An abused woman returns on average 7 times to her abuser so don’t underestimate the hold he has on you. That’s why zero contact is so important. Constantly textIng his harrassment. I went through the same. Watch his behaviour accelerate when you don’t respond. You’re making excuses for his behaviour which is what we do when we are being abused. For me the mental injuries were much more severe than any physical assaults and I still struggle with my mental health on a daily basis because Of the abuse.
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i stayed at home again, and hes text me this morning asking what the score is with me and him.
he says i should take a few days to think about what i want. i dont know what i want.
on one hand i think he might be changing and i might be losing someone i love, on the other, i think that things might not change and that i will gradually have no family or friends or social life because he goes mad, i will have to do as he has asked and reset my social media to flaunt im with him.
i really dont know what to do and i dont want to hurt him if i say we are over, but is it wrong me not giving him a chance? -
@fairylady
Use your position in the fact you have your own home and dont get in touch, I know this easy for me to say, but if you live with the abuser or have a mortgage together its do much harder. You are in a stronger position in the fact you can make no contact with him. I know it will be hard but don’t listen to his texts he will try to hoover you back in, sweet talking,or guilt tripping its their plan. Try to stay no contact with this abuser , block him if you can on everything. I know its hard but honestly you are in such a stronger position because its your home and he doesn’t live there.
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