21st November 2019 at 7:33 pm #92047
Hi, thank you for having me here.
I’m exhausted…( detail removed by moderator)of abuse that got worse after I got pregnant, daughter now (detail removed by moderator) We left (detail removed) ago on (detail removed by moderator). have been in safe house, refuge and now in our own very basic home. ( detail removed by moderator
So, he’s having weekly contact with my daughter but keeps bringing his mother and step father unannounced, where by my daughter cowers when she sees them and needs extra support from me every time.
He fails to let me know anything prior to or from during contact sessions which are now 7 hours. If I ask, he lies… please help, I’m exhausted and don’t know where to turn.
Does anyone else suffer continued control and abuse after court order, during contact with children?
I’m at the end of life in my head.
21st November 2019 at 8:40 pm #92057
This is very common and it’s a further way to abuse. The contact is only ordered for him no one else this is by law. You need a go back to court and get less hours at a contact centre. Why is she cowering? Has he frightened her. You have the right to know she’s ok when she’s with him XX 😘
21st November 2019 at 8:44 pm #92059
The staff at the contact centre will supervise his contact. WA and GP can write to the courts for you expressing your fears. Contact centres are well equipt as far as dv and child protection. They will reign in the contact and it can stopped through the courts if need be xx
21st November 2019 at 10:39 pm #92072fizzylemParticipant
Do you mean he brings them round at other times over the week or just when he’s collecting her?
Is he having contact at yours? I cant picture the set up, dont undertsand why you and him and her are all in the same room together. Sounds like at the very least there needs to be third party comms, drop off and pick ups if you went into refuge to get away from him.
Yes sadly they do use and manipulate their children for their controlling games with no thought for the child only the self, and its dreadful to deal with – I hear yer loud and clear.
You need to find a way to put an end to it R. If you are not happy for any reason I would agree with the above, talk to some professionals and see if you can gather any support, then go back and get the order you need. Something I have noticed is that they have very little interest in he says she says, your relationship, the past to a degree, but they are interested in facts and how things are from the child’s persepctive. You sound like you need some protection to me, the both of you.
I’m not sure he is in breech of anything if they are all coming round together? Don’t really get this though; would have thought he needs to get your consent if its at your house because this is just the right thing to do – no one just pitches up do they and expects be to let in? What planet are they on? He needs pulling up on this x
22nd November 2019 at 7:31 am #92086
Thank you all…
(Detail removed by moderator)
What he doesn’t tell me is who he’s bringing, and where he’s taking her.
I just feel helpless when my daughter doesn’t want to go or feels uncomfortable because he’s withheld information that might help her rather than him.
My solicitor is not responding as I’m out of Legal Aid, I’m just in a process of info gathering but my gut feel is that unless her physically assaults her, which he may not outside of 4 walls and in public I have no physical evidence to help me.
(Detail removed by moderator)
Although I was okay with doing hangovers as I have no one to help me, it’s becoming harder to see what it’s doing to my daughter, and me to that matter but it feels like neither of us have any power to make things better, despite me asking him to share basic info out of courtesy.
Thank you all again for your support.
22nd November 2019 at 7:45 am #92087
My daughter cowers because she doesn’t really know her grandmother, we left when she was (Detail removed by moderator) but now her father has 7 hours contact and probably can’t cope for that time he brings her. However it was probably her pushing for contact all the way along…
My daughter doesn’t ever know she’s going to be there so is left confused each time she turns up.
I’ve asked for him to let me know who he’s bringing and also told him she feels overwhelmed with too many people she doesn’t know.
(Detail removed by moderator) I feel he’s not playing fair but that wouldn’t be a surprise…
22nd November 2019 at 7:58 am #92088
Ok quite tricky – writing to your MP will help you fight for legal aid. There’s dv here so you should get it. I had this he brought the whole family to the contact centre. The staff sent them home. They step it up contact with mean. If it’s affecting your little one in theses ways the GP can write to court and verify this. Claw the contact back now. Don’t let them intoyour house. If he kicks off about it call the police xx it sounds like a lot off hassle but you have to put your foot down. He will screw up and then he’s blew his chances. The one thing you can rely on is theses men’s behaviour never changes and always lets them down xx
22nd November 2019 at 8:06 am #92089
You won’t know this because they don’t tell you but they scale up the contact so contact centre to day contact to overnights then holidays. IF contact is going well.so if it’s going wrong mainly for your child not so much you. (Unless he’s being threatening to you infront of her) it goes the other way. I contacted WA and they insisted the contact centre stay in place for good. From there the staff saw his behaviour towards them! Yes he couldn’t help himself and it’s was seen as no other safe avenues to facilitate contact. We tried he fails xx
22nd November 2019 at 8:09 am #92090
Also it’s important to note the contact centres are linked to the courts so they communicate xx best way forward in my opinion is to aim to stop contact. It is doable with lots of evidence especially with professionals opinions. I’ve done lots of reading on this and it’s better for kids to be fatherless than have an abuser dad. Stark choice? But is it really xx
22nd November 2019 at 9:26 am #92092IwantmebackParticipant
Hi Roseabella, I’d start with my doctor, explain how your daughter is reacting. Also keep a diary. Times he picks up,returns,who is with him, whether you know where they are going or not, is he allowing contact when he was our little one.also a diary of your daughters behaviour,note any changes in her behaviour,more clingy bed wetting,anything that’s difficult ere ent to how she was before contact started.You can stop contact altogether if you feel something isn’t right. Get him to take you back to court, he might but you need outside help. Absolutely contact your MP and WA, you need professionals in your corner. Keep making excuses as to why she’s not seeing him, she’s not feeling well anything,get advice, phone WA today. Unfortunately with the general election coming up I’m not sure if this is something your MP can take on, they’re not allowed to take on new cases, basically they’re not employed anymore that’s why they’re out canvassing to be reelected on the 12th December. I’ll have a word with mine to see who you can talk to, hopefully get back to you later on today or tomorrow. Good luck sweetheart its s..t what mums have to go through.
Love and strength
22nd November 2019 at 10:03 am #92098LisaMain Moderator
Hi there Rosebella, welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing everything that you have been through and how you and your daughter are feeling.
As ever, I can see that you have had some great support and information from the other users. Unfortunately, as you are experiencing perpetrators will often continue the abuse and control through children often long after the relationship has ended. IWMB’s suggestion about talking to your GP about your daughter will be a good place to start.
As already suggested, you can make contact with your local domestic abuse service, you can find their details here There is also an amazing organisation called Rights of Women, if you take a look at their website you can find a wealth of information about child contact and details about their Family Law Advice line. You will also find some useful information at Coram’s website
Take a look at the Women’s Aid Child First campaign too.
Take care, keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
22nd November 2019 at 10:10 am #92099fizzylemParticipant
You need to feel that contact is safe; read the safe not sorry doc. Record your daughter’s behaviour in a diary and how he is expecting you to manage things / with evidence / his texts and emails.
If she is seeing anyone else during the agreed contact time then you need to know who and how long, where they are going if it is anywhere else than his home or usual place of contact – so that you can prepare her over the week for this. Its really unacceptable to expect a child to be picked up and dropped into an unexpected situation / environment.
Keep your integrity in tact and be respectful but clear and firm. If he breaks the agreement then tell him he will need to take his arguement back to court – do not be fearful of this, if you are doing what you think is best for your child this will be ok.
So he has contact time for 7hrs, on a set day then? Can you prep her for this in any way? Are the other people going to be a god thing eventually? Once she gets to know them? Will they help safeguard her? Is it better she is with more people that just him alone? Sounds like you feel they are trampling yours and yours daughters boundaries and not considering what she needs here and he’s enjoying every minute and thus witholding info you need for her, there’s no respect or understanding is there xx
22nd November 2019 at 11:35 am #92102
Thank you all.
I will document everything, I’ve just avoided it as it feels so hard to do.
I regularly speak to my GP, she understands.
I’ve previously been in touch with my MP, so hopefully it will be a continuation rather than ‘new’ work.
Is it worth engaging with him again to ask for who he’s bringing again? and where he’ taking her?
They plan things for her as they are 3 hours away, so picking up his mum last minute would never fly, people need to prepare as does my daughter.
Thank you all again.
22nd November 2019 at 11:48 am #92105
I think you’d be playing into his hands. Does he have a solicitor? If he does email them and get them to write to say can you ask it is only him who collects and you’d like an email to say where they will be in case of emergencies. I’d also express that this is for the best interest of your child as she’s showing signs for ff distress. I’d say I’m sure you’d agree contact is to be enjoyed. Go with it for now look agreeable but aim for supervised contact XX
22nd November 2019 at 12:01 pm #92108
[email protected], thank you. Neither of us has legal representation now, (detail removed by moderator) I will ask my solicitor to write a letter to him with request for just him to collect her, and for him to let me know where they will be in case of emergencies.
I thank you so much [email protected] for your advice. It feels such a minefield. None of the local DV support services will take referrals until end of Jan, I just have no one to help me. xx
22nd November 2019 at 11:52 am #92106
To explain better my ex did not have legal representation so he went through my lawyer as above and I paid. So you can do this too till ur legal aid is in place xx I wouldn’t advise self rep so wait it out xx hopefully he will take you back to court that way you’ve done lots of ground work ✅so you can say as resident parent what your child needs. To be safe xx
22nd November 2019 at 11:55 am #92107
He will get scunnered paying £50 a letter to respond lol and you’ll find he will adhere to what you ask otherwise it will cost. Go for child maintenance too that way you can dry up his funds. When he cant afford a lawyer and self reps he will give his abusive ways away to the court xx
22nd November 2019 at 12:11 pm #92110
He is paying child maintenance and has a good job, his mother has probably supported with this too. For them it’s about looking the part and saving face.
22nd November 2019 at 12:41 pm #92111
Terrible xx were here any time been there 🙂 we got all contact stopped. Keep going everyday chip away and you’ll get there. Your not on your own you have us ❤️
22nd November 2019 at 12:42 pm #92112
I was lucky my ex was broke and not very clever xx lol
22nd November 2019 at 12:52 pm #92113
I have GP call back on Monday as today is full, and appointment with solicitor next Thursday. I’ll write everything up prior to then, so at least I have a deadline and next contact is not until next weekend anyway. Thank you again [email protected] I really appreciate you being here for me. xx
22nd November 2019 at 1:32 pm #92115
No problem let me know if you need any help xx I will try 😊
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