Help please…

[Izzibelle]

I don’t really know where to start and it seems so ridiculous having to write this but I could really do with some advice.

I walked away from my ex almost (detail removed by moderator), I left after he held a knife at me at the top of the stairs and didn’t care that our son saw him. That was the end for me.

Since that day I made a conscious decision to allow him 50/50 contact with our son as I never had any concerns about abuse towards my little boy and always felt it was in his best interests to maintain contact with both of his parents. I also knew that the relationship I had with his dad was down to the abuse against me and he loved his son.

Since I left, he has still tried to maintain a level of control with money, dictating who was allowed to pick up, holiday dates etc. He threatened to take my son, take me to court but they were empty threats. I was used to it so I picked my battles and moved on with my life as best I could.

I recently moved in to a house with my new partner and his son. My son’s school is 45 minutes away on the train and school bus, there is an “outstanding” school (detail removed by moderator)to my new house but I chose to leave my son where he was as he is settled. (detail removed by moderator)

(detail removed by moderator) t after a lot of emails where he states he doesn’t allow permission for my mother to pick our son up from school and have him for (detail removed by moderator), he has now accused me of physically hurting our son. He has come home from school with several small bruises that he has apparently said was caused by me. I doubt this and we spoke to him about it before when he told me quite happily that one of the other boys pulled him over but I have asked the school to speak to our son in any case today.

A lot of the time the abuse was psychological, there were times it was physical – punching, strangling etc and although the police were called I never pressed charges.

I need some advice. He is clearly attempting to make me out to be a bad mother, a mother who has now “apparently” physically hurt their child. He is incredibly manipulative. The emails are continuous and a lot of the time made up of lies and accusations, which I’m sure is standard behaviour for a man like this and really I should be used to it from him.

What do I do next? (detail removed by moderator) I know he is using him but I don’t know what to do for the best?

Thank you xxxxx

[Serenity]

Hi Izzibelle,

First of all, put on your peaceful warrior suit. What I mean by that is, proceed with the peace and confidence that you’ve done nothing wrong. If you doubt yourself for a second, it will come across as lack of confidence to the authorities.

(detail removed by moderator) My ex was saying dreadful things about me, all lies. My DV worker ( who was amazing) told me: emotions are your enemy right now. Don’t allow them to overwhelm you. Keep calm, confident, factual and always focus on the needs of the child when those in authority are speaking to you. This is what they are looking for: parents who put the needs of the child first. In all your conversations with those in ‘power’, keep focussing on your child’s various needs.

It normally takes a great deal for a child to be forcibly separated from their mother. Just because your abuser thinks he’s clever enough to get what he wants, it doesnt mean he is.

I would speak about the school near to you as a possible option.

I would also call in the Children’s Services early crisis team ( you can request their support ) and also speak to your child’s school about things, and even the GP. This proves that you are willing to access support and that you have nothing to hide. I was told by my DV worker that the court looks positively upon parents who access the support of agencies. In fact, this was quoted as being in my favour.
Transparency gives the impression that you have nothing to hide.

Your ex would love it if he got you to that place where he has made you so fearful that it’s just him against you, just as before. Well you have a choice. You can enlist support and you can speak out.

A formalised contact order also lessened my need for contact with my ex, and gave him far less opportunity to wield power and abuse over me regarding contacts. Again, you are involving other agencies: you’re not allowing him to dictate.

I would also phone the NSPCC helpline to ask for advice and support. They were lifesavers when I went through it, as you can talk to qualified children’s counsellors over the phone.

Remember, he is the abuser, not you. Never let this distinction get blurred in your mind. Xx

[Izzibelle]

Thank you so much, this really helps me clarify things. You’re right, I haven’t done anything wrong so I don’t need to be scared of him anymore. Thank you xx

[danicali]

i said in an earlier post that when you deal with an abuser, you get NOTHING by playing nice. nothing but more grief. they use your willingness to share, co parent, etc to continue to control and abuse.

i’m actually angry after having read what you wrote. these trolls are never happy, are they.

ok, so… let him make any allegations against you he wants. do not reply to him direct. if your son is hurt at school – get a COPY of the incident from the school and KEEP THIS in a file so that you can disprove his lies if you ever have to – schools should provide you with any incident report – think they are required to do this now – so once you disprove one of his abhorrent lies, he will struggle to be taken seriously from that point so any allegations that you are also harming the child in your care – rubbish

in regards to who collects your child from school – unless it specifies who must collect the child in a court order, then that is down to YOU and who you delegate on the day – your ex has NO SAY in this and he cannot stop you he is just being a bully so try not to worry about this one he can do very little about this apart from blow smoke at the school (who will hopefully do nothing, either)

i think it’s absolutely disgraceful that these scumbags play this game – and he cannot be a “good father” if he does this to you – a good father does not make such false allegations against mum nor does he try to separate a good mother from her children. he’s obviously reading the abusers guide to gaining custody (there must be one given all these sad excuses for men do the same thing) x

[Escaped not free]

I agree with the other ladies. You have done nothing wrong but it’s utterly terrifying to be placed in that position. They know it is. They know it’s destructive. It’s why they do it. Dealing with similar just now myself and a bit lost so don’t have a lot advice just sending u a hug. X*x

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