Help / reassurance, feel like I’m going mad!

[Kellym]

Hi everyone I’m not new here but haven’t posted in long time. I have been in a physically, mentally, sexually and financially abusive relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years. You name it it’s happened. I have beautiful children who I am undoubtedly getting stronger for but my god I am struggling. I know this is not what I want. I love him but despise him for what he has done to me. He doesn’t get that I’m repulsed when he touches me sexually becuase if the aggressive hurtful ways he has before put his hands on me.I have been so close but then the love bombing comes and I’m sucked right back in even tho I don’t want to be. The saddest thing is is I know exactly what is going on the I’m aware of the cycle but I cannot break it. Just an example from one day how it will be. He will ask me if I’m going to shower, ask me to do my hair when I’ve already done it (knocking me without obviously doing it) he picks at my parenting unnecessarily today I just wanted to sit down after putting the kids to bed and watch (detail removed by Moderator). He turned on me told me (detail removed by Moderator) . To me I’m just literally watching tv why does it have to be a drama.
I feel like a have massive trauma I struggle to get up in the morning and get myself ready, I struggle with simple daily tasks housework etc and just feel like a struggle all the time and the only explanation I have is that I’m suffering from trauma and abuse, is that even a thing? Or am I just as bad as he is saying. I was never like it before the abuse started. He makes me feel like c**p I now doubt myself as a mother as a person in general I feel like I am a nobody, just simply here to be abused by this monster. I’m not violent in return I’m a really soft hearted person and I can’t understand why this has happened to me and my babies. I guess I’m just looking for some support and reassurance that I can and will get my day of freedom where I can sit and move around my own space with my children without feeling like I’m going to get told off or shouted at or hit or dragged around by my hair for something as small as answering a question wrong.
I dream of my freedom day all the time but more of the weight it will take of my babies minds please tell me I will get there x*x thank you x

[KIP.]

I’ve been where you are. You’re suffering from trauma and abuse and it will only get worse. Depression and anxiety followed until I was unable to work or to function. Please get in touch with your local womens aid. They saved my life. He’s going to abuse you no matter what you do. It’s illegal so please ring the domestic abuse unit at your local police station. You can’t do this alone so start building a support network. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, google the power and control,wheel. If I can escape you can. I only wish I’d done it when my child was little because years of abuse took its toll on them as well. X

[Bananaboat]

I was you. This forum and all the resources recommended here, saved me. Picture in your mind how you want your life to be, like watching tv in peace and take baby steps to get there. The bonding will pull you back and forth but putting things together like working out what if any benefits/support you can get, looking at rental/house prices, applying to council or adding name to estate agents, are all baby steps to a better life and help to break those bonds. My eldest broke the spell as I realised they suffer too as the more I learnt about abuse, the more I saw and those rose tinted glasses slowly fell off. Good luck, there’s a better life waiting xx

[Anonymous]

You will get there, the drama with them can come out of nowhere at any given moment about the stupidest things (it’s like they’re arguing with themselves but aiming it at us) it’s crazy! there is fundamentally something seriously wrong with them, it’s not normal behaviour (normal for abusers) they have to have something to start about, they just can’t let you relax, be in peace, we all end up with long term mental health issues after their nonsense like anxiety/depression/pstd but you don’t have to put up with it anymore, when your ready to be done, when you decide you can’t/won’t take anymore and when you decide you deserve better you can change it and leave (or unless something extreme happens) he’s tortured you for long enough now (time to watch (detail removed by Moderator) in peace) and generally have peace ⛅️🌤☀️

[Kellym]

Thank you ladies, I am hopeful that one day it’ll all be over! He keeps calling me lazy and I don’t look after the house properly truth is I physically haven’t got the energy all I want to do is cry all the time or my time is spent being strong infront of the kids.
My absolute dream is to one day be in a secure job paying my own bills, sat on a holiday that I paid for watching my two babies free and having fun worry free and be able to think we did it!
It’s paralysing the hold they have on you isn’t it! He threatens me with taking my car away etc but now I just don’t care! Thank you for your support it was really what I needed to hear. Why is it so much easier to stay than leave x

[Hereforhelp]

Kelly, this was my life some months ago. I was a long term married, I didn’t know I was being and had been abused in many different ways. He gaslighted me to the point I believed I was mad and sought help for my ‘maddness’ … which I now know I am not, I am on medication for PTSD. My children are teenagers, like you I was so worried about the impact on their mental health if I stayed or separated. Both my children decided themselves not to see their dad as he continued to abuse us from afar.

I am so sorry you are going through this, if you can please contact womans aid (phone or virtual chat or email). You will need support and you can get that anonymously from Womans Aid. Also, do you have a GP you can speak to? I confided in a female GP and she has been supporting Me.

Well done for posting, non of this is your fault, you come across as a very caring, kind person…. be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes, hour by hour if need be…. it is so much better once you leave and have an abuse free life.

Sending you strength and hugs ❤

[KIP.]

You’ve been brainwashed and programmed by his abuse. Contact your local womens aid for support and a safe exit plan. He’s destroying your mental health and your kids need a happy healthy mum x

[Hazydayz]

Morning Kellym. I’m so sorry to read what you posted about how your feeling. I hope this morning somehow? your feeling more hopeful. The replies you got helped you feel more hopeful. Thinking of you x

[Author]

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