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My husband inflicted serious emotional abuse on one of our children recently, which I reported. Can’t say more.
Why is it that, despite this being the x amount of time he does something like this, I quickly feel, when he is away at work etc for a few days, even for one day, things can be ok nevertheless…? By that I mean why do my impressions lead me to feel I can cope, I forget, I don’t forgive but I forget what we regularly go through…? I adapt, bounce back, deny in a way, and therefore -and this is the crunch- I feel like i can still stay as if it is all normal, at least ” not that bad” when I truly know it’s NOT ACCEPTABLE?
Normalisation, minimisation, stupidity, denial, still not enough to make me scamper off, lack of courage and understanding ? What is it?
I keep having to read back articles, books, this site, actively remember things that happen, reignite those awful moments, dig deep…it is mind boggling how quickly I can brush the abuse.
What’s happening to me, am I stupid? -
HI HUn
YOur not stupid, i think u may still be in denial, when we have been with these abuse for more than x years, it just becomes normal and we have this never ending hope they can change, focusing on ourselves is so hard, its like we are trapped and find oit hard to move on, maybe this is part of the traumtised process, i admire how well my children have just moved on ,the youngest shows no feelings towards his dad and just accepts his dad is not in his life, my eldest has emotional issues but is still dealing ok, he too is in denial of what happend and still verey traumtisied. Focus on yourself and your children and how u can move on , dont rush , these things pace themselves at their own pace
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No you are not stupid, you are a normal human being. I think we react like this for a number of reasons;
It does become our normal and we end up de-sensitised to it. I remember telling a friend about not being able to hide in the bathroom because I once I did this and he kicked the door in. For me that was normal and expected behaivour from him. She said she would have kicked him out at the point, no question. I was shocked by her response and it was one of the conversations that gave me perspective.
We minimise to save our brains from overloading. My head was so full of him and the situation that it litterally couldn’t take anymore. This is our brains way of protecting us, so that we can keep going and surviving. I HAD to brush off his behaviour because my brain couldn’t compute anymore.
We minimise because that helps us to not crack the eggshells we are walking around on. Again this is survival mode, which is not a concious action. Your unconcious brain takes over and does what it needs to to keep you safe. So we minimise to avoid a row to avoid danger.
We are compassionate and so we keep hoping that this behaviour is not really him, he will be nice again. It is really very difficult for someone who is not abusive to accept that someone can consiously be that way, that they are actually making a decision to abuse another person. So we keep giving them the benefit of the doubt, hoping they will change etc..
BJIS – you are not stupid, your brain is trying to protect you xx
Fight or Flight? My counsellor explained that there are 5 of these – Fight, Flight, Freeze, Friend and Flop. The one you default too when you are in danger is an unconcious decision. Your brain picks the one that worked best last time. For me that was either Freeze or Friend = minimizing, normalisation, denial. -
Her Indoors has explained it very well.
You are doing this to ‘survive’ the horrible reality of things.
It takes a long time- even after we have left- for our strength and clarity of mind to come back. It’s like we need to trust our gut and to leave, despite our own minimising of things and our abuser’s projecting blame on to us. We need to follow that gut feeling.
I minimised and denied like you. Stuffing down my voice and my opinion made me ill. Letting him continue in his abusive ways was harming me, even though so felt I was surviving and coping on many levels. My body was signalling otherwise.
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Agreed, great explainations..Emotional abuse, is fundamentally wrong on every level abusive, it’s confusing because of the manipulation tactics & control, that we are being worked out & lied to constantly physically & emotionally,to maintain that state.
Re Emotional abuse We get actual physical signals which we need to take heed of, different for each person, some of mine are total fear, paralysing anxiety, literally jumpy when he is mentioned or came into a room, silenced, confusion, Ott re cleaning, empty hopeless feelings,criticised, neglected, ignored, constant worry, appeasing,constantly arranging a ‘happy’ agenda, (trips out, holidays, suggesting nice things to do)..doing ALL the relationship work (he was not ‘present’ for most of our time together total n********t) for both of us basically, & working overtime to make everything ‘perfect’ so there would be no abuse.It’s painful to read back, as I’m still battling like many of you, hope this makes sense!
Cx -
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Once I’d decided to leave, I went round and round in my head testing whether I was being ‘silly’, ‘melodramatic’, ‘over-exaggerating’. I’d diminished and erased so many events just to get through the next day. It’s a coping strategy. I’d also become de-sensitised to his behaviour to the point where him suffocating me was no longer a surprise or that frightening.
I’d written a diary for the last few months of the relationship as a part of me knew I’d need it for clarity later on. Whenever I questioned my own experiences, I referred back to what I’d written.It’s been a number of months since I left and financially and legally things are drawing to a close.
I no longer have that anxiety every week day afternoon where I’d have to steel myself to face him after work. I feel lighter (the anxiety was such a physical weight), healthier, I sleep better, I have more energy and I have a greater clarity of mind. These things haven’t been overnight and there’s still a way to go but life is exponentially better without him in it. -
…definitely normalising and being de sensitised. I physically & emotionally shut down towards the end of it, I wanted distance, as I had started piecing it together, and realising what I had to do to break the cycle of abuse.
I started sleeping in a different room, even though it got him really wound up, changing my pattern of behaviour, so I wasn’t in HiS routine, that’s a vital step, he loved the constant routine. He’d comment, You don’t usually do that…I’d think how weird, cause I can do whatever I want, why micro manage me?..I know it’s control….from waking to sleeping…I was superfluous, My needs or worries or likes/dislikes etc etc just totally disregarded..I realised he was just ‘there’,almost robotic.The ‘good’ vibes & care I felt had been destroyed, when he tried to dangle, a carrot like another holiday (which I like the idea of…but hated being away with him as SO many awful scenes he’d create while out, raging about nothing) I felt repulsed. I didn’t respect him, the opposite..
This is strange but he smelt really sour to me, and I thought that sums him up he is sour through and through, his clothes and just him, vile.
I felt like I was slowly changing, leaving the scene physically and emotionally. I had reached the point where, I didn’t want to give any more of myself in any way, shape or form.I was on my own one weekend, rare, and I kept thinking what do I do? when can I tell him etc etc panicking & fearful..I just told him not to come back.
I’m still new to this recovery, & I’m still trying to come terms with it all, alone and with everyone judging me (as he was Mr Nice to all!)with all the horrendous anxiety, insomnia …and still I know I’ve made the right decision, & getting my life back…better late than never.C X
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