Help, talking to children and leaving

[cvc2024]

I am currently trying to separate from my husband. I have tried to stay civil and keep the children shielded from any upset but it has come to the point they are now asking questions.
I wanted to tell the children it was a mutual decision to split and nobody is too blame but he said he will not go along with that as he does not want to split and he can’t lie to the children.
For context he has a drug addiction and struggles with his mental health, all abuse has been emotional and very subtle, although now he is saying he recognises what he has done wrong (gaslighting/ checking my devices/ accusing me of being with someone else) and so can fix it but for me it’s all too much.
He said he has made a mistake and is willing to try anything to put it right but I am still leaving him which I think is what he will say to the children if asked.
What can i say to the children without ‘throwing him under the bus’???
Help please I don’t want the children to hate their Dad but also am not prepared to take the blame alone.

[TheOnlyWayIsOut]

I do not have a clear answer for you, but I just wanted to say I sympathise and thank you for this post, as I am in a very similar position and concerned about the same thing. I did want to ask, what you are worried might happen if the children will find out you decided on the divorce? I was worried about this too, at first, but over time I have come to think of this as a very empowered decision which, one day, when they are old enough to understand, the children will value.

In most cases, when women stay with their partners in our situation, children (once grown-up) often question why their mothers weren’t strong enough to leave. By taking charge of our own and our children’s wellbeing and future, we are a ultimately a good example.

My current thinking is that, if all else fails and my DH and I cannot come to an agreement on how we are broaching the divorce with the children, I will just tell them that there are many reasons why mummy decided this, most of them too difficult to explain right now, but that I will promise them that it will be clear to them one day, and that all the most important thing is that mummy and daddy love them very much and will do everything to keep them safe and happy.

It is going to be hard, however we will tell them. Our spouses will protect their own narrative and, irrespective of our (and perhaps even their) good intentions, the children will be confused and damaged by this for a while. But the truth will prevail. I am myself a child of this kind of situation and it helps me get some perspective in terms of how I felt then and what I thought had been going on, and what the truth was (as I found out as an adult, and realised through my parents’ behaviours after the divorce mostly).

I hope there is something helpful for you in all of this. Sorry to write an essay!

[Lisa]

Hi cvc2024,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting. I hope you find having a space to share support with other women helpful.

Him saying he can’t lie to the children and being determined to promote his narrative isn’t really about the children at all. It’s about trying to control you with this threat of what he’s going to tell them and is a tactic to stop you leaving, just like the promises of change are only being made to stop you.

It is, unfortunately, really common for abusers to use children to continue their control as and after a relationship ends. TheOnlyWayIsOut is right that your children’s understanding of relationships and the dynamics of abuse will grow as they get older. There’s some information in our Survivor’s Handbook about talking to children about abuse that you might find helpful.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

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