Help…

[seaside lass]

It’s weird, I’ve always known my husband is controlling; telling me not to wear this, not letting me go out of town on nights out, not talking to me when I tell him of plans to go out with work mates, when I go go out I have to be home by midnight, telling me I’m fat and taking candid pics to prove it to me (I know I’m overweight!), to get a new job with 9-5 hours as to not interfere with HIS social life, but, I loved him and let it ride. We have two kids, that is not swap for the world, so I can’t regret my relationship, but I feel a fool for not seeing the warning signs sooner. I went out of town, with work mates and came home at 1 o’clock a few months back, oh yes there was loads of grief, I asked him why and he said that he was protecting his interests. This set off alarm bells. Then Christmas Day came, he wasn’t going out, got a text to see if he could-and knowing I’d be the bad guy if I said no, I said ok. Whoosh, he was out the house at (detail removed by Moderator), and came home at (detail removed by Moderator). My daughter had caught me crying, and I told her why-and she told him when he came in. He had a go, stormed upstairs and told me where I could shove the f***ing dinner. I said its Xmas day, have dinner with the kids and he said I was nothing but a c***, a horrible c***! Half an hour later he told me he loved me, and to cheer my face up! I was reading a book and one of the main characters worked in a refuge and I could hear all of the pieces clicking into place, my husband is emotionally abusing me, and has been for years! For a while my daughter has occasionally spoken to me the way he does, she is a lot like him, but yesterday my son did, and when I pulled him up he was upset, he’d obviously not meant it, but I don’t want him to be like that, he’s too nice. I’m not going to leave, it’s my house I pay the bills etc etc, I’m the main wage earner, but I want him gone. I want him gone in a way that causes the least emotional stress to my kids, they’ve seen too much fighting, never physical violence, although he has threw a few things in my direction before, in front of the kids. I’m contemplating packing him a bag, and leaving it in our garage, that’s a few minutes away, and just texting him. Is this a cowards way? I’ve already bought a new barrel for my Yale lock, and my mortise lock has two keys, I have one and my brother the other. I can’t believe I’m in this situation, I always thought I’d see the signs and be able to get out, but I suppose life isn’t as easy as that.
Sorry it’s been a ramble, there is so much more that I’ve left out too. Thanks for getting this far x

[Ayanna]

Aww, big hugs! Do not rush anything. You need to make a plan because the abusers are clever. I think in a relationship one cannot just lock out the partner. He could call the police on you. Call Rights of Women. Go somewhere where he cannot find you and use their callback function. They can give you the legal advice so that you do not get yourself in trouble. Also, record him. Buy a recorder that looks like a memory stick. With amazon prime you can get this within 24h. But make sure he does not know about this. If it is too risky ask in PC world. Find out which of his behaviour is now a crime, as coercion is now punishable. Be careful, because many abusers kill women when they separate from them. Do not underestimate him. Also, discuss your problem with 101 and tell them that you are scared and you want him out. This way you are already noted and if he takes any action against you his cards are worse than yours. We need to think about strategic warfare when we deal with these abusers. xxxx

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

THink ayanna has advised u spot on I would only repeat what she has said, get advise from womens aid and police d v unit to see where u stand

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya and welcome – well done for posting on here – you will get lost of help and support here. 🙂 🙂 🙂

The ‘control thing’ creeps up on you very gradually – you don’t notice it until years down the line when you eventually add it all up and then you finally see what he is doing – BUT by then it has become ‘normal’ it has become the way you live and you just accept it – the ladies on here all know how it is……

Well I remember all the ‘temper tantrums’ of he didn’t get his way – and to them it does not matter if its Christmas day – its just another day and they don’t care….

And yes its sad but true, the kids do see it and they do copy what they see – they know no other and to them its ‘normal’ to speak to you like that and treat you like that – that’s what their father does after all…..

Good for you for standing your ground and not leaving the house – I didn’t have the courage or the energy to fight him – and so I let him have it – its only bricks and mortar – its just a house – a HOME is wherever YOU make it – and freedom is the best gift of all – to finally be free to do what you want when you want – it feels amazing after all these years……

My ex would not leave the house to me and the kids – and I couldn’t face the fight – let him have it – its full of bad memories anyway – I wish I had your courage to bag up his belongings and change the locks – I was too much of a coward – too affraid of him.

Well done on being so brave – keep posting on here – we’ll all help and support you.

Take care,
Stay safe,
Mixed-up Mum x*x

[seaside lass]

Thanks ladies, it does feel better to have this written down, and you know where I’m coming from. I’ve been through the denial thing, I’ve done a few online quizzes, and know it is what it is. It isn’t all the time, but I think part of that is on my part, I bite my tongue a lot!

Mixed up mum, the house is in my name, the bills are in my name, I know it’s bricks and mortar, but recently I have lost so much (my parents, both together and quickly) and I don’t think I could do the uncertainty of not knowing where we are going. I am the main wage earner, my husband wouldn’t be able to afford to keep the house on, so I’m keeping it. Not saying I’ll not sell up, and move, but for now my kids have been through so much, they spent a lot of time with my parents so I want to keep things as stable as possible for them.

Thanks for the advice Ayanna and confused 123, tomorrow I’m going to phone women’s aid and get all of the necessary advice and go from there. Now I’ve admitted this to myself I know I’m being different, and I’m sure even my husband will pick up on it, if he’s ever off his iPad.

Thank you all again, hugs xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya Seaside Lass – and how are you feeling today?

If the house is in your name and you pay all the bills then why should you not be the one to stay on.

Unfortunately I was not in that position, with me it was him who was the main wage earner – I could not afford to pay him out of the house and I could not afford to pay the mortgage on my own – so that’s why I didn’t mind leaving it all to him.

I just wanted to get out, get away, and start the next chapter in my life.., he could keep the house, and all the things around him …..it was all just ‘things’……

I too was scared of the unknown, scared to make me and the kids homeless, when we left I had no idea what we were going to do – I had nowhere to call home, we all stayed at me m**s for a couple of weeks – but this have a way of working out – and now we have our own little Council house – and ?I get help with the rent, and its our little sanctuary – our little home, where we are safe, and slowly building a new life – it takes time – it won’t happen overnight – but things do get better over time – and its so good to be FREE!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

We don’t have much, all my furniture is second hand, bit its all mine and he can’t take it away from me….

I’m very sorry for your loss, it must be so hard to lose both parents, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been – I have recently lost my dad too.
Of course you want a bit of stability after that, it would be too much to have to move too, and not know where you were going to.

Good luck with ringing Women’s Aid, they will sort you out I’m sure and get you on the right track.

Let us know how it goes.

Stay strong,
We’re all here for you,

Best wishes,
Mixed-up Mum x*x

[seaside lass]

Hi mixed up mum,

I’ve just sat down to phone women’s aid, and I’m sure this is common, I’m starting to doubt everything-am I over reacting?? I so wish I could pop to me mam’s and talk it through with her, that just makes me miss her more though and sets me off being a blubbering wreck.

Well done on you though, you must feel so free and accomplished, thank you for still popping in here, I’m sure you know how much it’s appreciated having someone to talk to <3

When he’s being nice I do think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, and it isn’t all of the time, but it’s exhausting always walking on eggshells waiting for the next blow up. I know he’ll turn it into my fault, and I’m almost sure he’ll not turn violent-it’s the controlling, belittling and we’ve not been close for ages, it’s almost 4 years since we did anything, and no cuddling, or even sitting on same settee. I’m rambling again, sorry.

I’m off to phone them now,

Hugs xx

[godschild]

Hi Seaside Lass, I have had verbal , emotional abuse, smashing my stuff etc for many many years and it doesn’t get any better it gets worse, I never thought mine could be so cruel as he is being and he crossed the line in hitting me for the fort time a few weeks ago, when he is “nice ” it seems it wont happen again but it will and you are not making a mountain out of a molehill, I have only recently really been in shock and trauma at just how bad it has been over the years. Don’t minimise it to your self, he will do that to you and they brainwash you into thinking it isnt all that bad, mine has said many times that he dosent knock me about so its not abuse, the mental torture of what they do is awful and slowly destroys you , tale care x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Yes the doubt thing is so common, build your support network on here, continue getting guidance of womensaid, we have been through the stage u r at, support from ladies on here is such a blessing, its not normal or acceptable what his doing they just make us think its ok,with the right support u can get out of this, be waryof his family i find they r negative support that confuses us more

[seaside lass]

I’ve phoned women’s aid today, and they gave me a number for a local service. I’m waiting on them getting back in touch to arrange a one-to-one meet. I’m wanting to do this with as little upset to my kids as possible, and to make it clean. I want to know that what I’m doing regards the house is right, I don’t want him to be gone, and to then be back. I do know that initially it will be hard, but I’m in a limbo now, now I’ve finally had my eyes opened I want it done.
The things you’re saying Godschild sound the same as here. He’s not hit me, although I thought he was going to on Christmas Day, he stood up to me and brought his arm back, but I left the room at that point.
Thank you confused123, I’m still confused, and keep doubting me. But, as I read my first piece over and over so many more memories keep coming back. As I said to one of the ladies I spoke to today, each thing in isolation doesn’t seem too much, it feels like an over reaction, but, when you put them all together-even without violence, it’s demoralising,demeaning and exhausting waiting for the next blow up over nothing! I’ve had enough.
I’m just waiting on my call now.

Hugs to you all xx

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