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    • #127489
      backtome
      Participant

      I’ve been here before. I made him leave, it lasted approx (detail removed by Moderator), maybe a little longer. He has no life outside of me and our daughter and my depression took hold of me. Cue the “helpful and supportive ex” that i clearly fell for again and here he is, living my house again. Has been for a long time now. Feel like I’m just going round in circles. Making him leave then him wearing me down and coming back. He has no prospects, no friends, no job nothing else so his motivation for living in my house is high. I really don’t want him living here. I can deal with him being here for short periods but not all the time. He has taken over the house again with (not specified what the stuff is) and refers to MY house as “ours”. He is very comfortable here and I hate it so much. I hate myself for being weak enough to let him come back, I hate the message it sends to our daughter. She’s old enough now to be wondering why she should work hard in life when her Dad gets everything handed to him on a plate. I work really hard (even tho he says the opposite), I am improving myself in all areas of my life except this ball and chain round my neck that is him.

      Im not sure what the point of this post is, guess Im just looking for strength and encouragement that if I make him leave again, i can stick to it this time as I am so so so weak and have no backbone. Im terrible at saying no (in all areas of my life) and he never just accepts no for an answer.

    • #127492
      KIP.
      Participant

      Screen shot your post and refer to it in times of weakness. He’s going nowhere until he’s made to. Time to put yourself and your child first and change the locks when he’s out. Put his belongings at the door and block his call. If he persist in contact then time to ring the police. You simply can’t do this alone x

    • #127505
      backtome
      Participant

      Thank you, yes I tried to do everything amicably last time and he wouldn’t budge so had to change the locks etc. without him expecting it and I’m basically back at square 1 and wondering what its going to take for me to stick to my guns and stop letting him back in.

    • #127508
      KIP.
      Participant

      Zero contact and report him to the police for harrassment when he does contact you x

    • #127543
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      The ball and chain is the trauma bond, which he has created through the abuse. Google trauma bonding if you’re not familiar with it. I found learning about it really helped me feel less weak. You are not weak for being trapped in a trauma bond. It is a normal human reaction to abuse. It’s hard to break, but you can do it. Try not to be disheartened about taking him back. It takes on average 7 attempts for women to escape abuse. It’s not easy, but every attempt you make takes you a little closer to escaping for good.

      When he does leave again, zero contact will really help, because it doesn’t give him the chance to chip away at your resolve. Also read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. You’ll see how manipulative he is and it will help you see through the “support” that has sucked you back in before.

      You may find it difficult to say no (I do too) but it wouldn’t matter if you were good at saying no. Abusers do not respect boundaries. The more you assert your boundaries with an abuser, the more they escalate the abuse/manipulation to regain the balance of power.

      Another really important thing is to turn your focus towards yourself. Abusers want us to believe that their needs are more important than ours. They want us to focus all our energy on them so we lose touch with how to look after ourselves. The more you focus on you, the more you teach yourself that you matter and the less you will be focussing on him. Take time for self care, being kind to yourself and doing things you enjoy. When you feel like you can look after yourself, you will feel less need for his “support”. Sending love xxxx

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