Here we go again…

[Missssy]

Hello all,

I don’t know if anyone remembers any of my previous posts regarding my ex’s family members that were pushing for contact with my child.. but it has begun again.

Long story short, after I left I allowed my ex to see the baby, his relative agreed to supervise this, then he tried to abduct my child and she pretty much allowed it to happen (although she did end up calling the authorities) she was aware of everything that he had been doing to me throughout our relationship and still when s**t hit the fan she tried to make out that I was the problem not him.

She backed off for a long while after turning up at my house with gifts for the baby (from his dad although ‘he didn’t know she was coming’) and notes etc pressurising me about contact. She was warned off for a while but now she has been told it’s pretty much up to me but she can contact me about it. My ex still has strict conditions to keep away from me and not contact me at all.

i understand that she would want to see my child but I also know that she is kind of controlled by my ex too, and nothing would ever be enough for these people. They are so domineering but in manipulative underhanded ways. I wonder if this would open a door I won’t be able to close, or if it is kind of abuse by proxy on some level, aside from her own desire to see my child.

Sorry for the rant but I have been stewing over all of this for a while now.

[Missssy]

Apologies for repeating myself and parts of my story! I just re read this and don’t really like the way I sound but I can’t think of any other way to express it. I’m not trying to use my child as a weapon by any means, I just feel as though I could somehow get sucked in. Not even sure if he wants to suck me in but it just all feels a bit overwhelming to me

[SunshineRainflower]

If it were me there is no way I’d allow this woman to be involved after she allowed your child to be abducted. I would strictly go through a third party only and only if it was required by law for the abuser to see the child. It sounds like he is not allowed to contact you which is great. I’d also go 100% no contact with his abusive family. I’d also contact the helpline and rights of woman to clarify legal requirements and rules to do with contact to check what you can and can’t do. You are free now and don’t have to deal with them so don’t let them bully and manipulate you using the child.

[Serenity]

Hi,

When my ex ( who’d always been unkind to the kids) suddenly presented himself as a doting father who wanted contact, I felt like you. I felt sick about how he might treat them, but I also felt queasy because I felt he was infiltrating our life again and this was going to be another chance for him to abuse us, thinking no one else would find out what he was doing.

The NSPCC gave me the best advice: formalise everything. Don’t leave it informal, as abusers will take advantage of the fact that you’ve agreed to something, shown signs of submission, that no one else is watching and that it’s just ‘you and them.’

I’m so glad I went down that route. My youngest’s contact is set in black and white- the times, etc, in a contact order. My ex has less opportunity to abuse.

Once a manipulator, always a manipulator. Without the contact order, and if I allowed him to have direct contact with me, my ex would be having a field day, making my life hell and trying to overpower me again through Child contact.

As it is, he does still try. But he knows his wings are clipped, somewhat. I have actually been able to use the contact order cucumber to protect myself against his ongoing abuse. For example, to try to get out of paying me child support, he lied and claimed he had ‘shared care’ of he children. I was able to prove by virtue of the written contact order that he was lying.

What I mean to say is, if you decided to allow your ex’s mother contact, I would advise it to be done in the most formal way, in the most formal setting. She can jolly well pay for a contact centre a couple of times a year. I think many charge around £40 a session. The more formalised it is and with having back-up there, she is more likely to behave, and you can stop the contact if you feel threatened in any way.

I would also add the prerequisite that she only talks about things which are appropriate when with your child. To not use the session to try to speak to you about your ex, etc.

I’m not at all sure if this woman deserves contact. She may not be the instigator, but she sounds weak, quite easily manipulated by her son. Trust your gut. If you truly think he is using hey to abuse you by proxy, don’t allow it to happen. Protecting yourself and your child is the priority.

[Missssy]

Thanks so much for your advice.

Funnily enough she managed to get in touch with me (god knows how) but the approach was totally different to what I expected. It was a bit of a humble/pity party approach. Then this was followed up by a total change of heart and she has now promised to back off and understands if I don’t want my child to know her.

I find it a bit strange that this person has gone from bombarding me with private number calls, giving my number out to relatives for them to try, emailing me, to this. In the space of 6 days.

Really baffles me.

[endoftherainbow]

Hello, I would be very suspicious about the sudden change of heart, could be shes going to try and befriend you so she can manipulate you in a different way, I agree with the others to formalise everything, its sad that you have to treat everything with suspicion, but best be safe than sorry….good luck xx

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