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I do know that what he did is wrong but i still stupidly think i push him to it. He took me all away for my birthday and i believed him again. Then we went to go out for a meal but arrived late in a restaurant and they said they’d serve us but only if we ordered quickly. I’m a fussy. I didn’t know what any of the veggie options were and there weren’t any basic sides so I was stressed at the thought that he’d be annoyed there was nothing I’d like, which he was, he kept pointing things out like boiled potatoes and saying you like chips why don’t you like them… So I was having to defend myself and it was making me more stressed. We were close to other people and they were all staring cuz they could hear him getting annoyed at me so I was really embarrassed. We saw someone with chips so I said ok I’d just have chips but that wasn’t good enough for him and he kept pushing me to tell him what I wanted and he’d get them to make it. I really didn’t want a fuss, I wasnt event hungry.
Eventually I gave in and let him order for me and he kept going on about how impossible I was and how ungrateful i was and all the usual stuff. I just felt so c**p about myself by that point. And I started feeling like I was a horrible person and I’d spoilt my own night. Then he started having ago at the fact that I was miserable even though he’d sorted everything out for me and I tried to explain how I was feeling. I was sat there thinking he was too good for me and I’m just an idiot. I tried saying sorry but he got the bill. I had hardly touched my food and actually did wanted it but he said he was going back to the hotel.
I tried to reason with him. It was meant to be for my birthday but he didn’t want to salvage any of it and he just kept saying I’d f****d it up for myself. But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t feel I’d done enough to deserve the whole weekend being destroyed so I started to feel annoyed and I said fine forget it too. He went off and I got a taxi back to the hotel. When I got there he had void my key so it didn’t work and he was already in the room. He was throwing all the usual stuff about how I’m so ungrateful and I’m a selfish b***h and I’ve destroyed the weekend and any woman would be grateful and he’s going to find someone who deserves him… So I told him he was a psycho and i was done with him and in the heat of the moment told him I wouldn’t let the kids go threw all that. That’s when he smashed my head off the wall, held me by the throat and neck and spat in my face, I ran to my phone which he took and then I tried to use the room phone but he pulled me to the floor.
I got on the bed to try and climb over it as he was blocking the only other way out, he threw me back on the floor. I did manage to grab the hotel phone again and dial and he left the room. I spoke to the police but while I was on the phone he came back. He’d been threw my phone reading messeges and was trying to accuse me of sleeping with all sorts of people. I refused to speak to him and was trying to get out of the door but he kept throwing me back on the bed. It was like he was clutching at anything to lay on me. The police arrived then though and they arrested him. He said in the lift to them on the way down ‘what if I say she hit me first’.
I never touched him and both officers said it was clear what had happened.
When I told them everything, they said it was obviously coercive control. They were incredibly nice and I’m suprised they believed me. They were with me for over 3 hours taking a full statement of the things he’s done over three years. They genuinely seemed concerned and said if it goes to court that I really should stand by it… Even though I still don’t feel what he’s done is that bad -
Oh Starmoon what an awful way for your weekend to end, BUT non of it is your fault, you have taken him back and he is getting worse, has he ever hit you before, what he has done is dreadful and he should have been arrested.
So glad that the police were helpful many arnt.
He is becoming dangerous now, you must go no contact again and keep to it for your safetey, get a order for him to stay away as well. I know how hard this must be but I am afraid for your safety after whan he has done now, its litte wonder you called him a phyco, they push and push you.
If this is the first physical assault it wont stop here, I must say that I was alarmed and concerned that you were seeing him this weekend after how he has treated you, his apology yesterday was just to keep you in with him, I get false apologies all the time and they dont mean a thing.
Have you heard form him today and are you home now, keep posting, really concerned for you, im so upset by what he has done to you again, sending a big hug xxxxxx -
Hey Starmoon,
I’m sorry you’ve had a rough evening and night. I’m also sorry you think you deserved any of what happened.
You didn’t. You deserve to be loved, cared about and understood. No less.
You know this already but I think it might help if I write it, so
1. You don’t push him to it.
2. He chooses how he behaves, not you.
3. He knows right from wrong, but chooses to ignore that.
4. He was disrespectful to you, he insulted you, he hit you and hurt you, and that’s all very wrong.
5. He has no excuse for any of this because there is no excuse for any of this.Someone who is stressed or worried needs to be shown compassion and understanding to support them in making the right decisions. They do not need pressurising until they make what they will see as a mistake. Good people know this.
(BTW, YOU DIDN’T, but even if you had been disrespectful to him, insulted him and goaded him, a good man would not have retaliated. A good man would patiently and kindly ask you to respect him, try to stop insulting him (though he might explain he would ignore the insults because they hold no truth), and explain that goading him was not helpful. A good man would probably let you know he’d like to take the conversation to another level, where you could both get at what was troubling you and getting you in a stew, and help move you to somewhere you felt safe and comfortable.)
You’re a good woman. He’s a bad man. It’s not a combination that works, it never will. Please, please leave him.
Take very good care of you.
Much love S xx -
I echo all that Sallow has said, I keep looking at my situation and see how I am treated and how a decent husband would be. They make us distressed and then blame us for it,mine is very much like your verbally but he only hit me once at christmas and he knows he really over stepped the line and in other areas so no more physical but I am aware it could happen but yours has really assaulted you and tried to stop you getting help by phone then trying to blame you, he has gone so far this time, spitting at you is disgusting as well take care xx
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Hey there, my relationship ended up the same way. I’m glad the police finally took it out of my hands as I was so traumatised I just couldn’t make the right or safe decision. Be prepared for him to lie to the police. Blame you for it all, try to get you to retract your statement, even if he has bail. Promise you the earth, threaten you etc. Please see this as your way out. You should be proud that you cried out for help. And lucky you seem to have got two great police officers. Holding your partner to account, taking it all the way may be the wake up call he needs and in a strange way gain you some sort of respect. Stay strong. It’s a roller coaster. Again❤️
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He’s dined everything. The police really were so amazing. Nothing like the police where I live. They honestly seemed to believe me and they made sure he wasn’t released until I had left the hotel. He’s denied it all. He’s been arrested twice for this occasion and a previous one because it wasn’t the first time and I made official statements about the other occasions.
Today sadly I just feel that if I hadn’t reacted in the way I did- he wouldn’t have done it… I felt desperate when I called the police! But I didn’t want all this. Now it’s a bother battle to prove myself. The police did take pictures and even noticed red marks and finger prints on my arms that I hadn’t even realized were there.
He tells me I’m not rite in the head for feeling pressure. And that normal people wouldn’t have felt the way I did. That they’d have been grateful which I then believe.
And then he says he only get so angry because I haven’t behaved in a normal way. Everyone was looking and I didn’t want a fuss. I just wanted him to accept that I only wanted some chips. I’d have genuinely been really happy with that. But it felt to me that he kept going on and on at me and I couldn’t get him to stop.
So I felt awful and gave in. The police said he clearly has no respect for me and anything I say and that a loving partner would’ve respected I only wanted that. But he had to control it and be seen to be making huge gestures that he saw I wasn’t grateful for. My mum said its like prostitution- that he was paying for me to behave in a way he wanted…. I don’t know.
For me if someone was feeling that way I’d try to make suggestions but if they were adamant they didn’t want a fuss, I’d respect it and reassure them when they felt the way I did. But he carried on telling me I wasn’t normal and that id caused a fuss over nothing when it could’ve been so simple. And I’m lost between that. Had my anxiety been the problem. If I’d just let him order for me rather than insist I only wanted chips… But then why shouldn’t I be allowed to just do that. Why does my anxiety over a situation make me a bad person. That’s everything that was going threw my head. That maybe he’s better off without me and I don’t deserve him. So I tried to say sorry but nothing was going to resolve things. And once we’d left and he said the weekend was over and he was done with me… I felt so upset and angry. Half of me felt I didn’t deserve it… Well more than half because I called him a psycho. I told him all I’d ever wanted was for him to love me for who I was and I hadn’t done anything to deserve him wrecking the night like he had.. I kinda told him what I thought in that moment… What part of me thought- that he’s destroyed my life and controlled me and I didn’t want my kids seeing that so he wouldn’t be seeing them (I didn’t mean it) but I meant the other stuff… I meant it at the time anyway. But then what do I do. What should I have done. I wanted him to see he was totally spoiling the whole weekend so that’s why I stood my ground. I was upset. I guess I should’ve just said screw you. Do what you like we are done. Well that’s if he was wrong for how he was treating me but if he was rite- then I deserved it all -
Asking him to be nice to you on your birthday is asking him the impossible.
These are men who only see people as valuable in terms of what they can give them, how much they allow him to control them, and how much they worship and fear him ( yes, they equate our fear with love).
To dare to ask him to put you first, to give you a relaxing and enjoyable time, was too much fir his ego to bear. He had to wreck it somehow. And the fact you stood up to him enraged him. And as we know, abuse worsens over time. I am seriously concerned for your safety. His abuse has escalated to severe proportions.
Let’s backtrack: a relationship is meant to be two people relating to eachother’ hopes and dreams, taking notice and serving one another’s needs, journeying together and helping one another live an enjoyable life full of love and patience.
With an abuser, you get the opposite. They show us the direct opposite of love. Anniversaries, birthdays enrage them. In their head, they aren’t there to make others happy. Other people are there to make them happy, to put up with their moods and to sort out their problems. They don’t like being ‘forced’ to be nice for a day.
I am sorry that you still believe that you are at fault. All abusers are like children emotionally- spoilt, jealous, greedy children, who want everything for themselves. They can’t share the limelight. They don’t know how to have a relationship: they only know how to manipulate people into fearing them.
X
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NO WAY , did you deserve what he said to you, he is trying to make you see it as that like they all do.
What has happened to him, have they released him, has he tried to contact you.
So he has assaulted you before, what happened then.
Stay strong and dont listen to anymore excuse or lies , he is toatally in the wrong, you are only anxious becasue of what he does to you, you are NOT abnormal at all its them that are abnormal. xx -
Starmoon,
I am sorry he has put you through this and hurt you badly. He could have killed you. Banging your head against the wall is an extreme act of violence. Your situation reminded me of Reeva Stencamp and Oscar Pistorius. I’m sure the lead-up to her dying at his hands was similar to yours.
I’m glad he got a consequence for his action. Abusers think they will always get away with their actions, that they will manipulate their way out of their consequences that they literally will get a way with murder, and a lot do, but thank God for Karma. Karma eventually catches up with all, in one way or another.
Take good care of yourself tonight, you have been through so much. We are all here for you.
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He’s been bailed but not charged as yet. He has to report back to them in a few weeks. They have his personal phone as they want to check for the recordings that I said in my statement he told me he’d made. If he has made it then it will prove he’s lying as he said I was stopping him leaving. I remember reading in one of the many books (I can’t remember which) how abusers often say they ‘lose’ control but why do they manage to keep control with others and then suddenly regain it when the police arrive. That’s exactly what he did… He was suddenly mr reasonable.
He’s previously, punched me in the back whilst 9 months pregnant, strangled me on three separate occasions, tried to throw me down the stairs, dragged me about… Spat on me and thrown things at me. On his occasion I only have bruises. The ones on my knees when he dragged me to the floor, on my arm from grabbing me and on my chin when he grabbed my neck and face to him my head on he wall. And of course a big egg on the back of my head.
My mums cried and now I’m thinking about it… I’ve been thinking oh it really wasn’t that bad, why did I call the police because it’s just going to make so much trouble but then if I was watching a film and a man was doing that to a woman… Smashing her head on a wall, chasing her around and pushing her over, not letting her leave or get to the phone then I wouldn’t think it was just nothing-
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Dear Starmoon
I wondered how to reply to your message.
This is what I think it’s best for me to say.
Please hear this.
What he’s doing to you and how he’s treating you is really very bad – it is completely unacceptable, should never happen even once, and should be reported to the Police every time.
I fear for you that he will seriously injure or kill you.
IMO you need to get away from him, and stay away.
Much love S xx
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Starmoon you must take this seriously,I didnt know he had been physically abusive before, he must suffer the consequences of assauting you,next time could well be worse, its little wonder your mom has cried, I felt like crying when I saw what he has done to you, you have been through so much recently, don’t let him do anymore, he is dangerous. You say only bruises but no man has the rights to hurt you in anyway at all.
They always turn on the charm to others even the police, tell him he has gone too far this time, you need to keep you and your children safe, he has no respect for you at all, stay away for good this time, has he tried to contact you and are there conditions to his bail, take carexxx-
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I’ve left you a message above this one, lovely Starmoon. Take care S x
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Bless you, Starmoon. It’s only natural for your mind to seek an answer while you are in shock about is behaviour as the truth is so very hard to accept. The only answer is that he wanted to keep you under control and needed to do that so much he would do whatever was necessary. Please keep reminding yourself that in no way were you a cause of any of his abusive actions. I’m very pleased to hear his bail conditions. Stay strong and report any attempts to breach them. Be very kind to yourself and accept any support around you xx
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Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘Why does he do that?’ is a great source of wisdom for anyone who is being abused. Lots of the quotes are online and I found this one which I believe is relevant:
YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling MenPlease report any breaches of his bail conditions – however small you think they are. xxxx
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If anyone said to me their partner had strangled them or hit their head off a wall- I’d say it was totally wrong. .no matter what was said.
But all this time I’ve always just thought how can I act so he doesn’t leave or get angry. Maybe I really am just too much hard work and I should’ve accepted that i was at fault about ordering food and my stupid attitude. I should’ve been excited but then I couldn’t be excited as I was on guard and worried he’d cancel but then he’d only cancel if I was being out of order so I guess it was a vicious circle. He was rite to be sick to death of me. I guess I should’ve just stopped being moody.
I was enjoying myself until we got there and I didn’t deliberately want to cause a problem. I Really really don’t know anymore. Even my memories of what was said and how I acted are blurred. It’s baffling me why I can’t remember things properly. I wanted to have fun I really did so why did I act like such an idiot. Then once I’d realized I’d spoilt things it was too late. That’s clearly my biggest problem. I mean I thought I had a good point. I did think I was being reasonable and I didn’t think I was wrong for being upset and feeling under pressure. But I was- he was only trying to help and order food id like. Then once I’d realized I should’ve just said sorry instead of sitting there all miserable. All I was doing was over thinking it and making it worse. By sitting there worrying I was doing exactly what p****s him off in the first place!
I since remember that he didn’t even pay the bill. I did. He came out after me and said he didn’t have enough money and I had to pay for it. He offered to give the money back but I said no because I felt bad that he’d paid all that money out for the weekend and I’d come across as ungrateful.
I really did try after we left to salvage things but he was furious with me and the more he shouted how he was going to find someone who deserved him the more upset and angry I felt. I know I should’ve taken it but I just argued back and said things to hurt him which makes me just as bad doesn’t it. How horrible to say he can’t see the kids. It’s no wonder he lost his temper -
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Dear Starmoon
Be selfish – selfish is good! It’s your life you’re living. And you get to do what you want with it.
The rest of us, we all have our own lives, and we get to do what we want in them.
I have no right to ask you to do anything, including eating or not eating chips. No one does.
I have no right to be angry at you for choosing to eat or not eat chips. No one does.
I have no right to ask you to worry or not worry, over think or not overthink. No one does.
(You already know this tho, don’t you? If you and I went out on your birthday for dinner, there’s no way you’d have expected me to deal with anything that happened the way he did. He doesn’t have any special right to treat you badly. No one does.)
You owe me nothing.
You owe no one anything.
With one exception – YOU. You owe it to yourself to do what you want with your life.
My wish for you is that you’ll choose to spend it happily.Much love sweetheart. You’ll get there, one step at a time.
S xx -
Starmoon you are blaming yourself, its not you, he has put you thro so so much these last weeks, you had the miscarriage , he left you alone to cope, he reported you to SS and took the baby away and didnt care for it. He spat in your face, this is disgusting abusive behavior. He has no rights to lay a finger on you at all.
You will be anxious in his presence, walking on egg shells, after all he has done to you. He should treat you gently and with care and respect and even if you do go back at him he deserves it, he should accept how yo are feeling, read the list in Lundy Bancroft of things that show real change and one is that they accept how angry or hurt you are in any way you express it and dont fight back. The bottom line is that he wants to control you and will attempt to shut you up in anyway he sees fit, why ca nhe swear and shout and insult you and not get any repecusions then thing he can silecne you by being abusive, a relationship should be equal in a normal healthy arguement both parties have a say whatver, he is trying to control you and do what he likes to you and expects no repercussions.
If he contacts you and breaks his bail conditions call the police immedietely , dont even answer him this is none of your fault at all, my emotions get in an wawful state due to what he have said to me , all they want to do is have power and control and remember in Patricia evans book how they expect you to be the perfect unrealistic woman, when you arent they go at you, there is no woman like the one they want its all fanatsy based on their unrealistic needs. Have a smile or a laugh at thisdream woman would have decided very quickly what to eat and she would have domne what he said and ate what he wanted her to , she would never call him a phyco altho he is and she would never say anything about keeping him from the children, what you said is real life when you are being abused by him, he wnants dream woman to fit in every need he wants and wo betide you if you dont fit it all, he is askling the impossible and not living in reality one, re read patricias boo keep reminding yourself what he is up to. whatever you do he will keep moving the goal posts, please take on board YOU ARE IN NO WAY TO BLAME. Women are much more emotional than men we react out of our emotions and distress a kind honest caring man wouldt reat you in the way you deserve. xxxx ps Let him go find dream woman he will be searching for ever she does not exist !
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