He’s been diagnosed autistic

[CoffeeAndBooks]

I’ve posted here before but still can’t get closure.

My ex husband has just told me he’s been diagnosed autistic, this kind of brings more sense to our turbulent marriage and the constant controlling, walking on eggshells and nitpicking I was subjected to.

Yet now I once again feel sad and sorry for him, as it now kind of makes sense that this was the reason he was how he was with me, or am I making excuses. Has anyone else out there experienced this?

[minimeerkat]

im sure the women on this forum who are actually autistic will immediately point out to you that they are certainly never abusive.  and im hoping lisa (the moderator) sees your post because she has given some extremely helpful responses to others who have asked the very same question on this forum

so although i dont feel confident replying to you i wondered if it would help knowing that my ex partner tried blaming all the abuse on this too – but it was never a proper diagnosis by a professional, just something else he wanted to blame for his behaviour (as many other excuses were also given).  but yes it did trouble me initially thinking it therefore ‘wasnt his fault’ but the truth was i just didnt believe this was actually the reason at all

many women post on this forum doubting themselves & feeling so confused because their partners are trying to blame the abuse on their mental health.  which is similar to what you are saying.  but an abusive person chooses to abuse their partner because there are many others who have mental health problems but would never dream of behaving in such a way.  and surely whatever genuine mental health problems anyone has – if they are causing their partners pain wouldnt you have thought they would want to get help?  if there was love & respect surely they would never have wanted to continue behaving that badly until it destroyed the relationship x

 

[CoffeeAndBooks]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, you’re right it is the doubt and confusion that takes over. It’s hard trying to remember the details and to try not to make excuses for them x

[Lisa]

Hi CoffeeandBooks,

It’s understandable that this would bring up these questions for you and that you want to make sense of what happened. I want you to know there is no justfication for domestic abuse. You have described someone who subjected you to a sustained pattern of abusive behaviour. You described how controlling he was and that you were walking on eggshells. This isn’t something that autism causes. There is no excuse for abuse, it was a conscious choice that he made about how he was going to treat you. Domestic abuse is about misogyny and is often about power and control.

Its likely that he has told you about this diagnosis to try and get some sympathy from you- rather than taking ownership of his behaviour and how it has impacted on you.

Do keep reaching out on the forum and for support.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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