• This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 weeks ago by Moth.
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    • #131867
      recovering22
      Participant

      So (detail removed by Moderator) ago the police turned up (detail removed by Moderator) to say that his belongings had been left in the street and the person who left them looked through them but didn’t take anything. They didn’t have phone number for him which I gave them, someone else that wants him picked up the phone.I then got a message that they didn’t think that there was anything wrong with him (mental health) and they would not issue a missing person detail. (detail removed by Moderator) I got a call that he had been sectioned under MHA for (detail removed by Moderator) months, he had already been there for (detail removed by Moderator) and I wasn’t aware of that. They didn’t inform me. I called the police (detail removed by Moderator) and they said they can’t tell me anything. (he had been alleging that I was abusing him, which the police realised after (detail removed by Moderator) months wasn’t true). The reasons for sectioning him further were disordered, no sense, not functioning, a risk to himself and substance abuse. He was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in (detail removed by Moderator), they didn’t mention that. I know know it runs through his entire family. The police refused to act and the social services also, he was assessed and they said he was fine.

      I have been advised not to call, visit etc. I desperately want to. I want to know what happened, and I know I don’t want him back. I do care about him. I am still next of kin and I know his mum who was in actual fact his abuser when he was younger has been communicating with him since (detail removed by Moderator). She is a narc, I have experienced her nastiness. I suspect that she put him up to some of those things.

      I’m doing what I can to try and keep myself safe. I have not called or gone to the hospital even though I want to. The police refer to me was estranged. I’m not sure what that means.

      Also I am worried that he will be put under the Court of Protection, if that happens how would it impact me? We are still married, my life has already been literally destroyed. I am also worried that if the mum gets involved (power of attorney to act for him) then my life will really be hell as she is really nasty, my hubby is nothing compared to her.

      I’m really lost, I don’t understand what happened and if the abuse was real or I imagined it. Everything is muddled in my mind. I don’t want to defend him, because it was abuse what he has been doing. This has really derailed me. My counselling sessions are coming to an end and will have no support soon.

      What is going on?

    • #131870
      KIP.
      Participant

      Whatever is going on I’d advise you to use this opportunity to get help for yourself and recover. Don’t waste energy on him. He’s somewhere that he’s being looked after and he’s not your responsibility. Use this time to seek legal help and get all your ducks in a row. He’s already accused you of abuse and he will do it again and allowing contact give him ammunition. Never underestimate these men. He’s already caused you difficulties and that can get so much worse. Time to protect yourself.

    • #131876
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi Recovering22,

      Don’t let the fact that he has been sectioned mislead you in to thinking he was abusive because he was mentally ill. You know he was abusive, your post says so, but you may now be looking for reasons why he was abusive.

      ‘Estranged’ means that you are still married but living apart and no longer a couple or close to each other. Under these circumstances another family can elect to be NOK. It sounds to me that he does not have mental capacity at the moment and therefore, can’t make any decisions for himself. If his mum has a Lasting Power of Attorney already in place then she can make certain decisions on his behalf, but it depends if she had financial and health or just one of them. The Court of Protection may get involved to make decisions for him that his mum is not legally allowed to make, or if they don’t think she’s making the decisions that are in his best interests. If you want to get a divorce then it may help you because he will not have mental capacity to consent or deny a divorce, so if you are insistent the marriage is over then it may be easier to get one granted.

      Can you ask for your counselling sessions to be extended for a few more based on this further information you have had? I would suggest you be wary about making any contact to find out what has happened as this could unwittingly get you sucked back in to everything you have done so well to leave behind. The last thing you want is anyone trying to guilt trip you to taking him back, or relying on your help to deal with him.

    • #131887
      recovering22
      Participant

      What would happen to the financial settlement? I have debt which need to be paid there will be some money but not enough to house us both. Would the court of protection deal with this aspect or would I have to deal with his mum? I’m scared of her more than him, she is nasty.

    • #131888
      KIP.
      Participant

      A solicitor would advise but the court can make decisions in his absence. Get some good legal advice. Most solicitors offer free initial consultation and let the solicitor handle it. If his mother gets involved then give her your solicitors details.

    • #131901
      Moth
      Participant

      Hi recovering22, I have only time for a quick reply atm and sadly some of what I will say will not be that positive. Most importantly take solace from the fact that this abuser is no longer living with you and is someone else’s responsibility and carry on building your own life as best you can but be prepared for any divorce to take a long time. If his mother does not have a power of attorney the only way she can legally make financial decisions for him is by applying for financial deputyship from the court of protection. My experience has been that the system was barely fit for purpose before Covid. As an interested party, which you are if still married, and therefore financially linked to him you should be informed of any application and have a right to object to it. Anyone taking on the deputyship has to also have an additional order, or it has to be included in the original order, for them to be able to act in divorce proceedings. There is a cost to applying for the deputyship and the person taking it on is under the scrutiny of the office of the public guardian in a much greater way that someone acting with power of attorney so that gives you some protection. However, it is all about his interests and sadly my experience is that these agencies are only interested and care about him and will not care at all about you so you need some people on your side. If his loss of capacity is not permanent this all becomes even more complicated. I know this is hard to hear when you will now just want to be rid of him and move on. Rights of Women run a legal helpline and as an above poster says some solicitors do offer an initial free consultation but my experience of this was not many actually do and fees are eye watering. You may be entitled to legal aid and that is worth investigating. It is worth looking for a family law centre solicitor though as they are often cheaper and you also need someone who has understanding of the issues. My experience is that my divorce solicitors didn’t really fully understand all the process as some of the mh related stuff was outside their expertise. I wish I could be more positive and wish you all the best.

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